Extraits de rapports de personnes ayant utilisé des substances psychoactives. Je n’ai conservé que ce qui me paraît intéressant. Je nomme au début le nom de la substance, puis le numéro sert à différencier les rapports et individus que je nomme d’après le nom qu’ils se sont donné dans le site : www.erowid.org d’où sont tirés tous ces rapports.
(Bon, ça c’était au début, ensuite je me suis contenté de commencer la numérotation des rapports à partir de chaque nouvelle substance. Chaque numéro en début de paragraphe indique donc le rapport d’une nouvelle personne)
1 (Ouch ! ! by HeWhoLives)-Besides the vibrations, mind dissolution, and heart problems, the other suprising aspect was the auditory hallucinations. My hearing was ten times more sensitive then usual. Activity outside sounded like it was right in the room with me. I kept turning down my music because it was overwhelmingly loud. The next day I turned on my stereo and tried to listen to music at the volume that I had set during my trip. I could barely hear the music; I had it turned almost all the way down!!!! Music was also VERY distorted during my trip. Singers sounded very different and the tempo was a lot faster than normal
2 (Superhuman by Negativeinfinity)-At around +2:30, I was chatting on my computer when all of a sudden I gradually began to enter into a very strange and unexpected dissociated state accompanied by paranoia and religious mania. [……]
But then my psychotic state developed to an even deeper level where I could not think rational thoughts. This level was very spiritual and religious, and I became extremely delusional. I started having religious thoughts of God and soon I felt like I was in communication with Him through some mental connection. Though I never thought God was actually talking to me in words, I did feel like I had somehow been chosen by Him to tell the people of the world about “the truth.”
The first specific delusion I remember having was that I had been told the Ten Commandments and it was my duty to deliver them to the people before I die. It was as if they were unknown to humanity and only I knew them, even though they’ve been established for many years. This is very strange looking back on, but at the time I really thought all this was true.
Another, more general delusion I had was that I and only I understood the meaning of life, as if I was in touch with the true nature of existence while everyone else was just an ignorant organism that would live then die without ever having any conscious understanding of who they really were and without ever wondering or caring about why they existed at all. I then had this strange need to write down religious phrases all over the place. After the experience I noticed I’d scribbled in pen words and phrases like “God,” “life,” “all is one,” “peace,” “evil,” “truth,” and “energy” on my desk, walls, and even my khaki pants. I’ve never done anything like this before and it still shocks me that I did. It almost makes me laugh that I could do something like that, both because I consider myself very sane and because I am not a very religious person at all.
After this religious mania stage, although I could see the obvious evidence of my previous psychotic state, my memory was very fuzzy. I couldn’t rationally grasp exactly what I was thinking and feeling at the time. For example, I remembered thinking I understood the true meaning of life and I recalled the wonderful feeling of tranquility and absence of fear of dying that my understanding had brought me. But I could not remember the most fundamental piece of the puzzle—the meaning of life that I thought I knew so clearly. It’s really a shame to lose such an amazing feeling of peacefulness with the world, and to completely forget a notion so important that I recalled being so clearly in touch with at the time. Nonetheless, I was in a way relieved when I exited this spiritual state. Though I wished I could have remembered the revelations (supposedly) made to me, I was glad to return to being myself again, slightly more enlightened. […..]
Overall, after this experience I considered 2C-T-7 to be more of a dream-state inducing dissociative than a visual hallucinogen. It certainly didn’t give me any fun zooming circles and spinning lines in my visual field with eyes open or closed, like I’d read some experienced. Short of the trails and some forced wall breathing effects, I didn’t experience much visually. For me the hallucinogenic properties were observed in my thought process, if that makes sense. When I felt a connection to God, it was like my thoughts were the hallucinations—I never observed any objects in my room morph into any Godlike forms, never saw any Godlike images appear in my mind, and never heard any voice of God.
3 (Insane Cubed by toc)- I took the hit, layed back in the bed, and that was the beginning of nothing.
Time disappeared, existance was gone. All these events happend, but I do not know in wich order, or what was going on in the real world, but I’ll do my best. I suddenly felt as though I was on tv. me and A, well it looked like someone strange, and so did I, but it was us. We were in a car, and people were watching us from home, form TV almost. I just know we were the only ones alive, yet in the complete loneliness, there were infinate numbers of people watching out every move. In this, my thoughts or something kinda narrated us. It talked about being able to find the secret to the universe. That one day you could be lying in your bed, eating dinner, having sex. No matter what, where you are, if you achieved this mental state of mind you unlocked the doors to heaven, infinity, whatever. You harnished the power to perfection, and nothing in your ‘human world’ even mattered. Once you got here, that didnt exist, nothing existed more, nothing existed less. It was pure perfection, everytime you would say ‘but..’ It would be answered. Everytime you would do anything it was already 5 steps ahead of you. There was no question it did not answer, yet I don’t remember any questions, it seemed to make me forget them. The only thing I can compare it to is >>> something like that. The outside is bigger, but the inside fits perfectly snug in the next, if that makes any sense. I figured out the secrets! Nothing more mattered. I was bodyless, mindless, egoless. I was in perfection. No matter what I asked, what I said, what I did, where I went, ANYTHING it was answered by the same answer. This answer was the answer to everything, and also the perfection itself. It was so beautiful.
Soon I begin asking ‘when does it stop’ etc. I dont remember my exact words, but I could not get out. I never was, I never will be, but I knew it. I was stuck inside the box. I was in an infinate world compared to the ‘loading program of the matrix’ almost. It was nothingness… The only thing I can say it looked like was every color possible ever, melting in a bunch of metal, it was metallic colorful, and i was swimming through it, and each touch of it, ach breath of it, the taste of it, the smell of it, and millions of other senses I dont have sober, it was all perfect.
It got overwhelming, I couldnt escape, it it grew more and more intense. Go away! I was now in pain, the pleasure was so great it went from pleasure to pain, it hurt more than anything, except each part of eternity, it would multiply by infinity. It was the every growing pain of everything. I could feel it all over, I could hear it, I was in the void. I can compare it to a skipping CD, one that repeats every 1/2 second, getting louder witht he pain. I was screaming for someone toget me out of here. (I could talk even though i didnt exist, I dunno the story but eh) I was screaming ‘INSANITY!’ ‘GET ME OUT OF HERE’ and such. In my little world I was running through this infinate space, no up, no down, no floor, no ceiling. I had no feet, or hands, no direction. I was running away from it, trying to escape. […..]
Sometime around there everything stopped. I was consumed by noise, and pain, complete fufilment before. Now I am in complete nothingness. I am now in touch of reality. I do not know I’m alive yet, but I incorperated reality into my trip. Ill explain it this way. I was in a BIG dome of nothingness, and projected on the walls were people standing above me looking down. (I was strapped on a strecher) and the cop said ‘What drugs have you taken tonight?’ and I/them/someone I could hear said ‘ecstacy’ cop said ‘is what’, they stuttered and said ‘bbad?’, cop said ‘yes, now what drugs have you taken tonight?’ them: ‘ecstacy’ cop: ‘is what?’ … So on so on. This lasted about another eternity. […..]
That was about a year ago, I know it took a while, but a year isnt very long ago. For months after that I was a scared little boy. I could get along life fine, but as soon as my mind had a spare second to think, it would be about ‘it’ I wanted to understand, but couldnt. It was so frightening. This completely killed my idea of heaven and hell. I wanna die, eternity is too long, and bad shit can happen. Well up to about September I was fucked. I visited my grandma, and it was still awful out there. Finally we went to chicago, and my sister went to college, and in that process before moving back, it was gone. Just like that, it went away faster than it came on. I was pretty close to my breaking point though. I was afraid to look in the mirror, cause I thought I would see ‘it’. I still get a little freaked, when I see my name in a place it shouldnt be. Or if I see my initials anywhere. I associate my name with ‘him’ and thats not cool.
In the months afterwords, I was SOOO sure about it. Before, no trip reports were the same, all unique. Now that I tripped that trip, they are all the same, they all share a common ‘thing’ not only trip reports, but religion, life, everything. It was the same, the answer was the same, it was weird. People know thing, I pointed it out, and some board members said ‘freaky huh’ ‘yeah after a point you relize its all one’ and shit liek that. They know what I mean. ITs gone now, I forgot. The biggest lesson of my life, the most pain I’ve ever been in, all forgotten. I write this in attempt to remember how bad it was. It changed my life.
All in all it was the most intense thing ever. I know alot of people who do drugs to get high they dont think they can get taken down, just as I did. They are wrong, and they cannot be shown this…they usually gotta learn it themselves. May I suggest learning it with maybe shrooms, or pot…MDMA + 2ct7 is nothing to mess with. I can usually take what I get, and if anything goes wrong suck it up and live. I don’t feel sorry for my self in any ways usually, but let me put this into perspective. After this September 11th attack. Thousands of people lost thier lives, changing the world forever. I have more sympathy towards myself than I do any of the people, friends, or families effected. I am not that harsh of a person, I do feel. I have lost many loved ones, however the sheer torture of this is unbearable. You cant find out until its too late. Half a milisecond of this is too much, because time does not exist, 1 second….5 hours…its all the same. Infinity doesnt have any favorites. There is a place I was taken to on this. This place is the same place many people have visited on drugs. All noted as bad, and sharing everything with eachother, a universal place of pain and suffering. Maybe it is Hell, or maybe its simply what our brains are made to do when being burnt alive, but let me tell you, its no place you want to go. Time may exist, however your brain translates it. When its your brain, anything can happen, and it can trick itself into believing it. There is no limitations at all. Nothing in this world could stop it besides death. It is a fragile thing and can emulate ANY amount of pain, more than ever thought possible. Take care of it.
4 (Still coming up by Reality Child) -A, you are in danger of forgetting the part of your life that is truly important. Conquered daily by your fears, your misplaced desires, your pain, your selfishness, and your lack of discretion, you deliberately separate yourself from the most important part of your existence, which is only as far away as the grass on your front lawn. By not understanding the purpose of your daily actions, you risk being nothing, when you know, as well as anybody else, that you have the physical and mental capacity for greatness. This greatness is available to you every moment, and in every action. You can never allow yourself to forget who you are, and where you come from.
If you need to remember, go to any living thing and ask them for guidance. Do not be too impatient to listen. [….]
Establish morning and evening rituals! Mediation, showering, etc.! Procrastination is the greatest evil!
Religion is not an end. It is the beginning. It is the center.
[This is somewhat difficult to explain. I am not superstitious or religious in any classical way, but I feel that religions like Buddhism that deal with human nature and help individuals to tap into their own functionality make perfect sense, and can be integrated fully with the quest for achievement and happiness, and can help in objective perception of the outside universe.] [….]
Definitely not down. Not even close. What is it that I’ve just experienced? That I may be still experiencing? A new kind of awareness of my actions, to the extent that I am criticizing my stair-climbing technique. [I always hurry and I’m always out of breath when I get to the top.] I have seen past my own trivial fear of death and my own existence today, but I have done much more. I have seen the arising of spirituality, and its role as a unifying force. I have observed how one can observe one’s own actions bringing about one’s downfall. I have seen how this observation becomes teaching, and teaching becomes religion. I have experienced Buddha, the greatest teacher, and in doing so I have become Buddha. I have gained, if only for this brief moment, the ability to instruct myself, hopefully enough to alter my life’s course towards the more fulfilled and effective.
So I shall strive towards Buddhahood. It is the natural thing for me to do. And I shall try to learn the way well enough to instruct others. This too, is natural. [….]
Buddha was a person, and this is important.
Buddha was a teacher, and this is important.
These are distinct parts of the Buddha.
[It’s really hard to explain what was going through my head here.] […..]
In the week afterwards, I found myself much more able to be honest with people. My cautious attempts at honesty and self-restraint didn’t work out perfectly, but they allowed me to provide a few thoughtful words to some people who I probably wouldn’t have even talked to, and I think that these were generally appreciated. I had a completely straightforward conversation with B about our relationship, the first such conversation that we’ve had, and we eventually resolved most of our difficulties and have by mutual consent agreed to be less restrictive of each other, to have an open and possibly even non-exclusive relationship. Yet we have only grown closer since then.
In a certain sense, my restless quest for a grand answer ended on that day. I will never again look for meaning anywhere other than myself. I will from now on always be my primary spiritual guide. Many imperfections await me, but I am prepared to look upon them without judgment, and a mind directed towards understanding, self-improvement, compassion, and producing these realizations in others. I will certainly falter, but I have written down the entry from T + 4:00 on wallet-sized paper, to carry everywhere.
The Buddha said: ‘Oneself is one’s own refuge; what other refuge can there be?’
5 (Riding the razor’s edge to the infinite point by Flood) – 10:45p – I had just poured a glass of a fine vintage port wine that I had been holding on to. I was staring into it to see if any sediments has made it into my glass. Upon staring into the wine, I am able to see closer… and still closer… I can see tiny tiny tiny things floating around in my wine, but they are not sediments… I look still closer and realize that I am staring at molecules…billions and billions of wine molecules and tannins floating around in a suspension. The substance of the universe is becoming clear… and its something that mortal humans are not supposed to contain. I am crossing a line that I do not want to cross in retrospect. I set the wine down immediately. I take a short walk around the apartment in a psychedelic haze to find something to bring me back down a bit. I have already crossed the line and there’s no coming back. All existence, all of life, all of these things which we go through believing that we have a choice over is a result of the limited perception of all humans. I realize that the universe, as vast as it is, is made of energy, in the form of matter, light, and emotion, and this energy just transfers from one state to another, it doesn’t go anywhere, it doesn’t go away, is just goes on and on. As if the world was pre-programmed and choice is just not a factor, we must go on, and we must be, and no matter what we do, we are bound to it, thus negating all choice. I have gained a knowledge that is as unsettling as it is beautiful. The thought of God continues to come up in my mind, because there is a beauty to it, and even though it was inescapable, it is good.
I got back to my keyboard where one of my closest friends is back in the chat room. I knew that I was dead, because humans are not allowed to know these things, I could not contain it and I knew that, but it was forced upon me… I Had to contain this. I feel the breaking point coming… I am leaving vapor trails behind me as I ride the razor’s edge toward the infinity point. The infinity point is all knowledge, yet it is paradoxical because how can infinity exist within one single point. I cannot get there, but I feel myself being burned off, yet I don’t know if I’m dead, death cannot exist because it negates the life I am experiencing. I realize that I do not have a choice, but I must live through this and I cannot possibly maintain this level of awareness. I made my friend call my cell phone, I need to hear another voice. He did and we began talking. It was of course, impossible to shape my feelings into words, I remember saying that “I do not want this, I will give everything for this to be over. My friends talked me through it for the next few hours. God bless them all, they are fine and good people. After several hours I feel myself stabilizing. I still feel as if I am either dead or breaking an unwritten rule of the universe. We as people, or all things for that matter, exist at a single point in time. we cannot exist at 2 points at the same time, for this would be impossible, and since time is experienced point by point, all of reality is one dimensional, yet omni dimensional.
Everything is at this point a paradox, since energy is simply being traded off in form, not decreasing, not increasing, but trading places, everything blends together. I often have paradoxical trips, wherein everything makes sense but for no greater purpose, hence the paradox. I still question if this is because this is what life is, or just the way I interpret it.
Life at this point is simply an unstoppable force that will go on and on, I remember feeling so tired, genuinely tired from all of the things I have been through in my life. This was a tiredness of the soul, the desire for rest, for peace, while being pushed along this ride, forced to be, I have a core desire to rest, but I fear that if my eyes close I will die.
My parents or somebody will find me dead in this apartment and I can do nothing about it because I am already gone. I have transcended all things physical, I am energy with conscience. My heart laments deeply for having done this, because I now have to deal with the knowledge being forced upon me and I cannot contain it all, I can only be a small part of it. I writhe in this understanding for a long time, seems like forever.
2:30a – I have gotten off of the phone with my dear friends. They have kept me in this world simply with the contact, the sounds of their voices make me realize that I am not alone in this. At this time the visuals fall of sharply. I am entering the place. The place is a state of mind that comes along after about 4-7 hours of peaking on 2ct7. The visual and psychedelic haze goes away within about 5 minutes, and you find yourself, calm, contented…transcendent still of all things, but very aware of who and what you are.
This place is the reason I do 2ct7, the visuals and feelings are merely good side effects (normally) along the journey to this place. It is in this place that you can reflect on the first-hand knowledge you’ve received, and evaluate it for what it is worth. Even though this has been a hell-ride, it was worth it to get to this place. Now I’m here, and I have to deal with consuming this knowledge, knowing that I can’t retain it. One would think that this is the time to search for the meaning of this trip, but the place puts that meaning on a table right before you. You can assess and take in everything at face value; you are told what you will take from this trip. You are not dead, my son, because you continue to feel, believe, process, understand this arcane knowledge, this snapshot of what this world is.
When a person dies, most people claim that there is a tunnel of light… a typical near death-experience phenomenon. I believe that this is the conscience leaving the 3 dimensional world we know, the electrons which feed impulses interpreted by the brain, leave the body lifeless and travel in a linear path, as one electron is the smallest part of energy, these travel in a linear path dictated by earth’s magnetic field or possibly by an omni-dimensional universal conscience. In this state of death, these electrons, this conscience is no longer bound, it continues to be, yet the journey of electrons along a linear path may be the tunnel, for if an electron could see forward while traveling this would appear as a tunnel, with the light in the end just the next electron up the line. This would be pure freedom and peace, no more of the weighty world to be tired of, this would be the ultimate end, perhaps at this time one may meet the maker, or finally understand and hold the understanding of how this universe works.
I, however, have gotten to see this without dying. I am blessed and cursed with these memories which hold intact in my mind. Have I cheated death? No, I have seen life.
I have seen it at the greatest level, and my heart is sad that I cannot contain this greater picture. This place is sad because I know it must go away. The only solace is in the fact that you are tired, and must sleep, and must go forward, transferring your energy into others, or into something good. The place eventually lets me go, where I spend a couple of hours enjoying the afterglow. I go to bed around 5:00 AM and sleep well.
Overview: The Reason
I think the reason that people trip is to gain some sort of greater understanding of themselves and the universe around them. These revelations are mostly pleasant and profound, often equating to the giddiness experience by the tripper. The tripper is looking for something, and the closer they get to finding it, the better the trip gets, and the more fun is had. When in the case that the tripper is searching for the ultimate answer, caution must be used, because one may find that answer. Most people will say “rubbish, the only time you’ll get the ultimate answer is in death”. This cannot be true, I do believe however that a living person can get to see this ultimate answer, however the reckoning of it can only be in death. I am alive and have seen it, but I cannot hold on to it for long.
And I will not be able to reckon with this answer until I die. Until then this answer will stay with me in pieces, and it will shape the decisions I make from now on. It will drive me to do the things I thought I would never get to do again when I was surely dead. I will continue to go on until my time is up, of that I have no choice. I have no choice regarding the past, because it is gone. I cannot control my future, because it isn’t happening now.
I can control the now, because it is the only state in which I exist. I will spend the rest of my life making the most of now, because that’s all I can do.
The lesson is the only thing that you come back with if you are fortunate enough to come back. The lesson does not lie in the knowledge that you are shown on this substance. The lesson lies in what you do from now on, knowing these things. These lessons are often not profound in themselves, but profound in the way you will integrate them into your life henceforth. It is this reason that the true lesson is sadly often lost or overlooked after a good trip. These lessons are not new knowledge, but often reinforcement of knowledge you already have. I’ll attempt to summate what Lessons I chose to realize after this trip:
1. It is good to have friends – You may be worth a lot to yourself, you may love yourself, or you may not. The true gauge is whether or not others love you. Have the people who have experienced you come away as better people for having done so? It is up to you and you alone that all people you meet are graced by your love and friendship, and that you feel their love and friendship. This can be the most enjoyable transfer of energy one can experience. Without this in ones life, the world can be a terrible and heavy place, nobody should go through alone, because we are all together here. This can be the largest crime ever committed against humanity and one’s self if allowed to occur.
2. Enjoy Life Right Now – Fuck tomorrow, Fuck yesterday. We live now and now alone. The future is uncertain and the past is obsolete. With regard to your life and the power you have to control it, you only have right now. Make the most of your life right now. The minute you feel that you are no longer living, the weight of regret for not having lived fully is unbearable. Your past is a culmination of events and energy transfers that we have already learned from, carrying only this knowledge forward, not the actual event. This knowledge makes memories, which are dear to all of our hearts, but do not affect the now, unless you live in the past emotionally. This is turning a blind eye to the now, and such is not the purpose of life.
3. You must obey the universal constants – Many great thinkers all seem to agree that all matter possess either kinetic or potential (implied) energy. It is a universal constant that energy is neither created nor destroyed, but transferred into different forms. This means that the energy of life will and must go on, with or without you. Your energy belongs to the universe, you are privileged to have it, you are obligated to use this energy to do good and to love all things. The matter you are made of is on loan, you cannot take it with you. It is impossible to exist outside of this law for any human.
4. Respect the question – It is the question that we spend our lives searching for, culminating, and coveting. The answer is an inevitability, but the key lies in whether or not you understand the question. You will eventually find that the desire to know that answer is more powerful a force than the knowledge gained from the answer.
5. Respect 2ct7 – Yes, it can be a fun trip, but care must be used. I was not careless in taking a purely experimentally high dose. I did so knowing the possible ramifications and knowing my own tolerance. 5mg can make the difference between an enlightening journey and an overpowering hell-trip. Find your perfect dose and do not exceed it. If you do exceed it willingly, be a man and be ready to accept the consequences of your actions. You will have to whether you want to or not.
6. Have a sitter if you go over your normal dose – Had I not had friends to talk me through parts of this trip, I feel I would have gone mad, or worse, done something regrettable to my physical self in hopes of stepping off that train.
7. Life is good – Even though you don’t have a choice and must live onward, life is holistically good. I have seen the unimaginable and even though it was unsettling, it was unsettlingly beautiful and good. The only thing “not good” that can come from life is when you choose mortally not to go on.
The best part about the whole experience is that I have returned from it, It is my duty to spread these words so that those who are considering 2ct7 know what they can be in for.
This is a transfer of energy into words on paper through which one hopefully will attain knowledge. This cannot be bad in any way. I will never take that dose again. I only needed to see that once. I am a better person because of it, but I understand that this gift cannot be taken for granted. Attached is a cost which I will pay forever. I am not sorry that I have taken this trip, I am however sorry that no matter how much I write, I can never explain the infinite finality of what I have experienced. I do not recommend such a trip to anyone, but if you do go through it, learn these lessons, and take what you can from it, above all remember, it’s O.K.
May your journeys be enlightening and your heart be true. Stay the course, and focus on that which is good, do your best. Hey! Why the hell are you still reading this…life is passing you by outside!
6 Tapping DNA consciousness by Souldier) – The rest of the group was not witnessing this blue neo-pagan ritual I was directly participating in. They were mostly lost in the vastness of this realm we had attained. Not me. I was home. It was perfect that they were in their own states though. It fit into the age-old timelessness of the shamanic rituals. Not all experiences lead all involved to the necromancers zone, the philosophers stone. But I was there. All of the world was an information system waiting to be tapped. Above the peacock feast, I realized that all of life was feasting. The cycle of evolution as a timeless energy field was before my eyes. The most amazing creatures were all around us, morphing as I shifted through eyes that had been here before. My now self became aware of my eternal self. The me recycling through history. All of nature rejoiced and vibrated at a higher level, aware that another was conscious of the true resonance. Layers of information began to flow into my field of awareness.
Let me describe as best I can. First there was the psychedelia, all of it. LSD, mushrooms,
, mdma, marijuana, and many I had never known were all there and I was aware of their roles in the whole. Then there was the best realistic computer animation-like morphing of evolution all around me, As real as any animal I ever met, just more magical. Then there was imagery, in my minds eye. There were diagrams and symbols, wheels and webs, all at once, yet understood. There were layers and layers of info and I could keep up, not even straining. I shifted personas and settings but was always lucid as the now me. How strange. […..]
See you all in the realm. Be you all in the realm.
7 (Aliens reprogrammed my brain by Mitra) – I am really stressed out and have become convinced that I should go to bed and go to sleep. I try to do this which, obviously, does not work in the slightest. However, this is when the interesting part starts. I am getting some neat very brightly colored closed eye visuals and then something organizes them into some alien combination lock. I realize that it is the password protection machanism too my mind and something is trying to hack the code. Said something is very good at this and the pieces start falling into place. As each piece falls into place, I feel something shift and open in my mind and a coresponding physical shift and opening in my body. When something finishes dialing in the correct combination, everything unlocks and opens up like some sort of puzzle box and I am in hyperspace. By hyperspace, I mean what I have read in descriptions of the most extreme DMT excursions. I am in another place entirely and this place is incredibly intricate. There are thousands of entities flying around. Nearby, a group of 10 or so of them have me tied down and they are performing surgery on my mind. Or maybe they are hacking it. Either way, it feels really invasive and disturbing to have them in there and I become quite frightened. I reach back to another place that I remember used to exist and I run a command there called ‘open the eyes’ this works and I snap back into my body and open my eyes. Everything seems reasonably normal except that I am high and failing to sleep. Then I realize that this is only a part of me here in the room and that another part of me is still back where I left it and that I am not there to witness what they are doing to it. I close my eyes again and instantly, my body falls apart and dissapears. I am back in hyperspace with the entities still working on my mind.
9:30 am – I have moved to the couch. With my eyes open, things are mostly normal but frightening and I don’t want to look at anything. With my eyes closed, I am still in hyperspace interacting with the entities. They are being more interactive now. THey are still working on my mind but they want to play games too, maybe to see how things are going. Now I begin to find out what this has all been about. All of my carefully constructed mental shields start coming down. I realize for the first time that I have been in a deep state of denial about a great many things. I begin to see clearly all the ways in which I behave in self destructive or self decepting ways. I see clearly all the ways that I am self absorbed and selfish. I see all the ways that I am cruel or insensitive to my wife and friends. I see that I have been engaging in a number of addictive type behaviors. If this had been acid, I would be sobbing and feeling like killing myself but in this state, I am able to look at it all honestly and from an objective standpoint without getting too upset about it. It is more like I feel a sense of obligation to deal with it. Instead of getting down on myself for it, I begin to have a sense of pride in myself. I realize that I have too much pride and self respect to continue behaving like this. I feel that it is a matter of pride and principal that I fix these behaviors immediately and even go to far as to make reparations for the damage that I have done. I set out an honest and realistic plan on how to go about fixing my relationship with my wife. I promise to quite smoking, start exercising regularly, stop abusing drugs and only use them appropriatly. (at the time I was doing mdma every weekend and doing up to 6 pills in a night often in combination with a lot of alchohol, MJ, acid, nitrous, and anything else that I could get my hands on. ) I began planning how I was going to start taking responsibility for a whole lot of things that I had been shirking. By the time the entities were done with me, I had a very long list of things that I had to fix or make up for.
11:00 am – the entities have finally left. They closed up my mind and hyperspace went away. I feel shaken by the whole experience. I still have the feelings of pride in myself. The world looks mostly normal again but colors are still brighter. There is still no way in hell I am sleeping but I am ok with that now. After all, I have a lot of work ahead of me.
11:30 am – my wife wakes up and wants to go do things. I decide that I am ready to interact with the ourside world and we leave.
11:30 pm. I finally go to sleep
It has been 3 months since then. I have straightened up my act. I have succeeded in most of my goals from that night. My relationship is much better. I have quit smoking and I am involved in an exercise program (Hap Ki Do and Yoga) which I love. My drug use is down to a reasonable (in my mind) level, if not even what one might call an ascetic level. In the lst 3 months, I have gone through 2 mdma pills and 2 hits of lsd and I have smoked pot a couple of times and only been drunk 5 or 6 times. I am doing well at work and I have a sense of responsibility. I also have what one might term a descent level of self respect and pride in doing what I do right.
I think that it is very unfortunate that this combination is so dangerous because I think that it may well be the most useful theraputic agent yet encountered by man, not to mention really interesting and fun. Anyways, if it should turn out that it is safe after all, I certainly hope that there is a deeper investigation into this combination. That is all, Mitra.
1 Hallucinosexual (2C-B, Moclobemide, Hydergine, Vinpocetine & Codeine ) by Jonas
I wanted to experience the everchanging oneness of the whole universe which usually puts me on a new path, leading to a somewhat more creative and purposeful behaviour (note the paradoxical nature of purposeful). If this wasn’t possible (it seems to me that this state is hard to reach), I was prepared to do some work within my self’s boundaries and deconstruct my archetypical combination and reassemble it in a new way to make my life easier instead of anaesthetize me everyday to make me able to cope with the daily life (I know this sounds pretentious, but it really was my ambition to solve this problem). […]
As I was lying there on my back, feelings of acute sexual desire almost overwhelmed me, but as I was quite incapacitated from the combination of drugs I wasn’t able to do something about it.
This time I was all alone and the only way to get relief was to do some kind of psychological masturbation. I was reminded of someone who once told me that monks redirected their sexual energy into ‘spiritual-fuel’ to enhance the search for the ultimate reality. So I began concentrating on my breath and when it became stable I directed my attention to my lower abdomen. As I let my concentration focus on the sexual energy I split up in two different entities, one being Jonas as I currently know him (locked up in a static ‘percept but not interact’ mode though) and the other one being a magnified sperm looking kind of entity climbing up the other entity’s (Jonas’) spine. […]
What I found was most interesting with this perceptional shower was the tactile sense which felt like I was swimming through a dense forest of mucous membranes. The obvious and immediate interpretation of this was that I was in search for an ovum. As I proceeded towards the head, the perceptional sensations became more intense and when I finally reached the head my sexual energy (the sperm) merged with the brain, creating a solid harmony within my conscious frame which resulted in a completely new entity. The entity that was created after the merge had no perceptible body, and the physical organism that was formerly known as Jonas had ceased to exist and there was no hint of input from the physical world.
A whole new sphere of existence appeared, containing elf-like beings, flowing around in (once again) complete logical structures, communicating in a way that from a normal state of consciousness could be interpreted as telepathically (the actual communcation ‘media’ was perceptible, but it is impossible to describe). To be honest I’m not too fond of these critters floating around trying to make me laugh (their communcation media seems to me as some sort of psychological tickling). It’s my firm belief that they are ego productions that distracts one from realizing ones true self. They can of course give some useful information about your (and the emotional and value loaded ‘environment’) current archetypical configuration but they are a brick in the wall that stops you from seeing (being) your constantly evolving and expanding self. […]
As my attention became more and more affected by the actions of the deconstruction work, the visual imagery became more death and destruction oriented, which resulted in one of these death-feedback-loops so familiar from previous bad trips. I cycled in the feedback-loop for a while before I realized I didn’t care if I was going to die or not. The death layer had been resolved during an earlier period of my life which I think I have mentioned before. Anyway, as I broke through this layer (once again employing shikan-taza) things suddenly became ‘normal’ and I returned to my body. I thought for a while that the trip was over and it was very calm & quiet around me. I could see the dark contours of the interior in my room. I thought that this was very strange, but as the effects of the 2C-B always seems to end quite abruptly it made me a bit insecure.
Suddenly my room was lit up by a sharp monochrome light that seemed to have the correct wavelength and intensity/energy to excite every atom within my body making me radiate light at the same wavelength until I became one with the light and I was suddenly abducted (or teleproted). This experience was just as real as events in ‘Real Life’ ™, but I can’t see how it’s really relevant to my life and I think it just was another manifestation of the ego (maya, makyo etc) to distract me from my self, so I won’t go into detail.
After-School Special 2C-B by Shaman
He was verbally looping saying ‘daylight, energy, fear, uh…’ about 10 times per minute and he looked like he was playing, with a smile on his face. […]With his verbal looping, wander lust and flailing of arms continuing, the scene was not very safe […]Around this time the constant verbal looped changed a little in structure. It turned to something like: ‘daylight, energy, oh 2C-B, that’s cool, oh I keep forgetting about Berkeley… daylight, oh, that’s REALLY cool.’ Still, Looper had no connection to the outside world and no eye contact. […]At 7 hrs, returning from the bathroom, he pulls out his pda and states that he has ‘a lot to do today.’
I became more aware of colors – it isn’t that they became brighter and more saturated, as I sometimes experience on other psychedelics. I was just more aware of how green something was, and how brown that other thing was, and to what degree. I feel that normally I may lump a whole range of colors into the category of red, but on 2C-I, I find it much easier to distinguish between specific shades. This occurs every time I use 2C-I. […]
In addition to this, I began noticing details in things much more clearly. My vision appeared to have improved, and though I have good eyesight, I felt that I could see even better. I was more aware of exactly how much of everything was in my field of vision, as if I was not filtering out information and only noticing what was particularly important. I wouldn’t see one branch on a tree, but a network of branches that looked like obvious fractal patterning. I noticed plants I had never seen before and marveled at details that I had never noticed on ones I see all the time.
Sometime around the beginning of the peak, as we walked, everything in my vision began to shake and vibrate really fast. I stopped walking because I felt that I might lose my balance. I now think that it might have been a temporary and severe nystagmus (eye wiggles), though it didn’t quite feel as such. It took less than a minute to cease, though when I began walking again I noticed it for a moment before it dissipated and did not return.
Throughout the entire experience, a sense of seeing the true beauty of nature was prevalent. I was reminded quite a bit of enjoying it as I had when I was young child. At one point, my friends and I came across a dead bird floating in a body of water, and while B seemed a bit disturbed, both R and I felt no anxiety at all. It was just another part of nature – and while I normally think that while baseline, I would also normally think that a psychedelic would cause me to feel sadness at the sight of a dead animal. That was obviously not the case. […]
While we had not been talking much, it dawned on me that our constant movement and activity had been creating noise. For the first time in my life, I felt that I could hear absolutely everything in the surrounding miles of the refuge which might be possible to hear. My hearing seemed incredible keen – but it wasn’t the ability to hear it that was amazing. The unparalleled beauty of the sounds was overwhelming – no song or sound has ever compared in my whole life to that symphony. I felt myself wanting to cry. […]
Anorexia is absolutely not an effect of 2C-I. […]We walked back into the park and to one of the bodies of water and watched the massive raincloud sweep across the land out into the distance. As we watched this, I suddenly saw how three-dimensional the cloudscape was. I don’t think I’ve ever really seen clouds that way before, and though I’ve tried, I have had difficulty seeing it that way since. It was really quite fascinating. […]I squatted down and closed my eyes. I had not given any time to closed-eye visuals, as for some reason I just forget to while on any psychedelic. I saw vivid colors in my whole vision and rounded shapes, but no obvious patterns or images. This is quite distinct from what I normally see for CEVs on 2C-I, where I normally see fractal patterning and sometimes fluid organic shapes in vague rainbow colors. I believe that the difference arises due to how bright it was outdoors at the time and how dark it normally is when I test CEVs. […]
The effects then seem to fade rather slowly for me, with residual effects lasting up to the tenth hour and sometimes longer, with sleep almost impossible to achieve until even a couple of hours after that without use of sleeping aids. This is a problem common for me with any psychoactive I take, though, to the extent that even cannabis will keep me awake for up to a couple of hours when I’m extremely tired. Nausea has been a common occurrence for me, though I have not once thrown up from it. A painful buildup of gas in the intestines occurred the first time and persisted for an hour or so. Visuals are very prominent. I tend to see faint rainbow colors over everything and objects often times appear to breathe. Objects with fine patterns on them appear to morph and move slightly. Thin lines (such as the gaps between window blinds) will often become overtly colorful, tending toward greens and purples. Food tastes good, particularly acidic foods such as fruits or sour candies. Greasy foods cause quite a bit of intestinal discomfort for me. Appetite is actually quite often increased, as I can never seem to eat enough. Tactile sensations are enhanced. Showers and baths feel very good, and solitary sexual activities are quite nice as well (and I would imagine that it would be nice with someone else, too!). The vast majority of my experiences are with tryptamines, and I would say that hands down 2C-I is easier to maintain control of. While I value tryptamines and quite intend to take more in the future, it seems like there is a large loss of control over emotions and thoughts. On 2C-I, it feels quite easy to maintain a grasp on reality and on emotional states. I have encountered things while on 2C-I that would normally get me stuck in very negative thought loops, I could deal with. I’m not able to ignore things, but I feel like I could actually work through rather than drown in them. I might even say that the substance is almost emotionally neutral – I don’t feel a distinctly positive mood shift that I normally get from psychedelics.
Crisis Point 2C-T-2 by Zepster
I close my eyes and begin to have vivid internal imagery of a mother goddess figure. This is quite a common archetype for me and I’m enjoying losing myself in the overwhelming sensation of a great nurturing mother. She is somehow connected to various women I know. The vision is beautiful. […]But this is where it starts to go wrong. First, my whole body begins to spasm. I simply can’t stop the spasms throughout my torso, arms and legs. Then I start to sweat profusely. Finally I realise that my heart is hammering away – I have visions of it trying to burst out of my ribcage. I realise that I’ve overdosed. – What happens from here is impossible to convey in language but it translates like this: The sensation of leaving my body is overwhelming. I am simply somewhere else. It is dark and there are telepathic voices. I realise I’m about to die, that my consciousness is about to be dissolved. I feel something like shock and explain that I’m only 37 and that this can’t be right. A calm, gentle (even loving) voice tells me – and this will stay with me for the rest of my life – that it doesn’t matter; it is simply my time to go. My consciousness must relinquish my ego and join something else.
I am scared but I’m ready to accept this. However, I have a massive, overwhelming urge to say goodbye to my wife and to tell her I love her and that I’m so very sorry. […] It brought me to a crisis point where I was confronted with the imminent dissolution of my consciousness. It is an indescribable moment of epiphany where it is made clear that you are about to die and be made into something else, something lacking in individuality. It is at once, both terrifying and reassuring. […]I know this sounds a bit trite and sentimental, but the all-encompassing love for her was all I could think about at the point of crisis.
8 (So hard to quit by Anonymous) – If you believe Absinthe to be a psycoactive wait untill you quit!! In my experience, the withdraw from Absinthe from someone who has been drinking for a while is utterly horrible. Sleeplessness, constant fear, clenching of teeth, hullucinations, and if you ever wanted to know how it feels to be completely insane wait till you start having Absinthe withdraws.
9 (The danger of insanity, the art of existence by Marz ) (Alcool + DPT) Seems too strong; I lay down on the floor, face down. Now I’m gone, totally. I had no concept that I was a person anymore. I thought that I was some form of insect life, and I only say this after analyzing it later. It was like I was a fly that was looking for some slime on the floor to eat. There were other creatures like myself around me, and they kinda showed me what to eat. I remember thinking ‘oh yeah, we need this stuff’. I was like a new born child in a new body, and I had to re-learn everything in this reality. My mind tried to retrieve my ego and I thought, ‘no, I’m insane now. This is Art.’
I knew that I was not all right, but I also thought that there was no other way to be, and that if I was indeed insane, then that was it. I had no memory of taking any sacramental supplement, nor any memory of my life up until that point. I was comfortable being insane (there was no other way), I realized that there was no way I could ever communicate with another being again, except for these other insect creatures.
Suddenly, I was beyond my insect form, and I feared that I were dead. It was not a scarry feeling, just one of total loss. This is where it got really intense. I was in a void of space, where other bodyless beings were swirling around madly. We all had one purpose, to get ‘THE THING’. It was something that always avoided capture, like a point of light just out of reach. We all screamed and moaned and ripped eachother’s forms apart in an insane fit to GET THE THING. Time seemed to stretch to infinity. Of course we could NEVER get it, and I realized that this was NEVER going to end, and that I was damned to spend eternity trying to GET THE THING. I said ‘Let us make up some GAMES, so we may forget about the thing!’ Everyone else said NO!! WE MUST HAVE IT!!! and we went back to our PAINful torment which seemed to last FOREVER..
Then it changed again and I was being spoken to by some oriental master. He spoke his language which sounded tibetan or something like that. I understood the meaning, but now that I think about the words he used (I can still hear them perfectly), I can’t put it all back together again. He was telling me there was a great joyous occasion taking place, and I felt what he said. Many entities were preparing for this ‘joyous occasion’. He showed me how to do this strange chant, which I can’t really put into words enough to type. He put all this emotion/energy/compasion into the chant, like he was showing me how to feel. It was MOST INTENSE. I think I was crying in the vision ( I don’t know WHAT my face down in the floor body was doing, probably slobering everywhere).
Then it changed AGAIN.. I was a pitiful beggar. I was crawling around in the dirt chanting AUM MANI PADME HUM. But it was as if those where the only words I COULD say. They had to mean EVERYTHING. Like ‘DUDE’ can mean every word, depending on inflection. I would change the inflection of the mantra and it would take on new meanings each time. I said it with the most pitiful, horrible, beggar’s LOST HOPE voice one could possibly muster up. I was at ROCK bottom. I had NOTHING, not even death! All I could do was BEG for ANYTHING. And my begging was the mantra.
Suddenly, I was wisked away again, this time by benevolent spirits of Spring. They showed me green parks and flowers and filled my spirit with the joy and desire to ‘Get out there and give it your ALL!’. They actually said that to me, with a smile and a laugh. They made me so happy and like I was one of them, I belonged with these beautiful spirits of spring and youth. We flew about quickly through the green lands. I was compelled to open my real eyes. My friend was face down on the floor next to me, and the room was swirling around like a TOOL video. We both got up and were able to speak a few minutes later. He had not seen such visions as I had, but was still most impressed. We were back to a reasonable baseline within 3h from launch.
I still cannot stop thinking about those visions. I feel changed, like I died and don’t know what to do now. I feel like this ‘life’ is the ‘game’ I wanted to play to forget about THE THING. I hear the oriental master’s words ALL DAY, but I don’t remember what they meant, it’s all just ‘a feeling’. Overall, too much, but very intense. I still feel like my body is out of whack physically and mentally. The Chiropractor took one look at me and said ‘What in the world happened to you?’ He said there were several obvious signs of major stress in my system.
10 (Outside of reality by Gavroche) (Alcool + cannabis) – After three full bong hits (which usually just gets me mellow), I immediately felt the marijuana come on. It seemed like my typical feeling except that it began almost immediately. However, after about ten or fifteen minutes I ‘forgot’ where I was and quickly remembered. My short term memory was so shot that it seemed as though I were constantly waking up from being asleep–reorienting myself, reminding myself where I was. I started feeling anxious and restless and so decided to leave my friends and listen to music in my room. When I closed my eyes, I could literally see the patterns in the music and I felt them very intensely. I became so excited and had an intense desire to be with others, so I returned to the room where my friends were. As I stood up, it seemed as though my feet were miles below me. When I stretched out my arms, they seemed much longer than usual. When I moved my hands in my peripheral vision they looked very different than usual, which seemed very amusing to me.
I came back to be with my friends. When I got there I began to see everything differently. I was not hallucinating per se, seeing things that weren’t there–everything looked the same, but just seemed very different. I felt as if reality were a movie I was watching from far away. Everything real seemed like a joke and not real. It felt like where I was was real and that reality was something I was watching, because everything was disjointed and unconnected. Causes and effects were divorced: everything was just actions in an ever changing present. Though it was disorienting, it was rather pleasant and everything seemed humorous. I felt no inhibitions and said anything that came to mind. I would spontaneously start laughing at anything. Everything seemed more interesting and heightened. Foods tasted better, music sounded better, because everything was an immediate rush of sensations.
11 (Goodbye reality, hello Sigma by Peter) (Alcool-vodka- + DXM) – Imagine this: i’m around 10 inches tall, with really long legs and the room around me is the size of what literally seems like the Sydney opera house. in front of me is a coffee table, which although was right in ront of me seemed quite far away. I had the sensation that there was now no wall or sofa behind me and that at any given moment i could fall into nothingness, so i had to constantly check. there was nothing outside this little world i was in at the moment, reality beyond the room seemed incomprehensible and all that was there was what i thought was infinity. space and time, and even life itself would disappear in a nanosecond were i to leave this room. thanatos at my door, and a black hole behind me, how comforting. then i realised that my thoughts were completely delusional, so i snapped out of it and looked around again. still the same, but this time i realised it was my room and i was safe there. ok.
(thoughts become more delusional as body temp rises) so down that went and i lay on my bed for a while. i sort of dozed off, & went to a world of mine which i keep in my mind for psychedelic trips. i was there, the place was vast & white, full of buildings, the floor a conveyor belt of geometric patterns and the sky a green entrance to the infinity. my quest this time was simply to explore as far as i could before awakening. i had the advantage over the world this time. my body needed no control and i had neither the inhibitions of emotion or pain.
Turning the corner i encountered what i thought was the god-entity. this, i thought was the entity ruling absolutely over the different realities and as such had unquestionnable power over me, my life and everything, everywhere. darkness came and went, different realities passed – planets were brought to me and disappeared just as quickly, full of different ecosystems, different florae and faunae, culture and religion. just as i got a glimpse into a new and wonderful world, another would appear, equally as intriguing. i now had no body, no soul and no attributes to my name. i was powerless to go forward from this point and my only choice was to observe what was happening around me.
My vision skipped and i was back to my bedroom. i looked at myself, then struggled to see the time on the clock. 1pm, four and a half hours since first ingestion. that meant, to my relief that I’d come back to what was my world, the world I was comfortable and familiar with. no, that was wrong. I looked out of my window. everything was different, the trees outside, the neighbourhood and people i saw were all monstrous. these realities i had seen were now combined, and no matter how i tried to bring myself back to reality, it stayed the same. oh crap. i broke down in tears, thinking the world would stay like that, and i’d be trapped with monsters, my emotions and my personality consumed by this god-entity. whereas i was a god of my own inner reality, this one was of far vaster knowlege, and in his eyes i was pathetic, so he took away what was me and replaced it with a dead, roaming soul.
I went back to my bed, and just lay down, drifting in and out of consciousness, thinking ‘ will i drift like this forever? at least i’m peaceful this way, so i’ll stay like this’.
At some point i fell fully into sleep, having very weird dreams, and awoke around 12 hours later, feeling very dry, and very hungry, i just sat on my bed, lit a cigarette and thought about what happened. i felt so glad to be where i was, to be smoking this cig, to be myself once again and that my friends, family and girlfriend were all out there, not knowing this state. I’d been given a new lease of life and wasn’t going to abuse it, and to this day i’ve felt better about the world around me, about myself, and about the people around me. i think it’s about as close as i ever got to a near-death experience, and no other drug i’ve tried has had nearly as profound an effect on me as DXM. but there was a very good and justified reason that dr. Shulgin described this and similar drugs as ‘delusional anaesthetics’. beware. peace to you all, and remember, do not visit plateau sigma. i was stupid to think i could keep myself in a place like that.
12 (So this is what the shaman sees by DK) (DXM + Alcool + cannabis + opium) – While smoking my cigarette, I passed out momentarily, dropping the lit cancer stick on the floor. Not a good thing. Realizing I had done this, I grabbed it up quickly, burning myself (I think), and haphazardly put it out in the ashtray. Moments after doing that, I passed out again. I felt myself fall through the floor and then there was this strange feeling that my eyes had been opened up by some unknown force. I couldn’t hear anything, even the TV that was still on. I was in a jungle, somewhere in Peru, and after walking through the thick underbrush for some time, I came upon what looked like a large temple. There was this old Native American guy chanting in front of it and he stopped when he saw me and asked me why I had come. I don’t know why I replied like this (even though I’m a big mythology buff), but I said to him, ‘I’m looking for Coyote. Do you know where I can find him?’ The old man laughed and cast a warm-hearted grin in my direction, ‘Oh, that Old Man Coyote. He’s a tricky one. To find him, you must catch him.’
I snapped back into my body like a broken rubber band. I was panting like I had just ran a marathon and I was almost positive that I was going to die. I half stumbled/crawled over to my cordless phone and picked it up. Then I remembered that it was unplugged and would do me no good. Out of disappointment, I tossed the phone over my shoulder and hobbled over to my bed where I crashed face down. Next to my bed, I had a notebook and a pen. I managed to open to a blank page and scribble nearly illegibly into it, ‘Note to self: Dissociatives are called dissociatives for a REASON!’
Once again, I went under. The desert was vast and hot. I could feel, smell, hear, and taste everything around me. In the expanse of the sand, I heard a coyote howl at the full moon in the sky (the sun was also present). I turned around to see a set of glowing green eyes in the distance followed by the laugh of a jester. Drawing up tangible power from around me, I darted after the distant coyote that was on now on the run. It felt like I was going at light speed. Jumping over one of the dunes, all which lay before me melted away into a black void. Desperately trying to stop myself from falling, I screamed at the top of my lungs and then the oddest thing happened to me. I was awake again for a split second from the shout, but my mind was still falling and I felt the little consciousness which had been lent to my body for that brief moment slip back down into the void to rejoin the rest of me like the last few grains of sand through an hourglass. After what seemed like an eternity, I hit the bottom of the void, landing on my back. It was an incredibly soft landing, as if I had fallen on a billion feathers. A great white light enveloped all around me and I opened my eyes. Sitting above me was the coyote looking down. It put one of its paws on my chest and then backed up for me while I tried to regain my footing. It sat and stared at me and for a brief moment, I understood everything the coyote was about. It was as if I had become the coyote.
I woke up again, feeling as sober as a priest.
13 (An alcohol trip ? by Ishmael) – Well…I, needless to say, felt very groggy very quickly. I sat down in an overstuffed armchair with my feet up and instead of passing out, as would be typical, I felt myself ‘slip’ into a quasi-trance state. With my eyelids fluttering, I was still perfectly aware of my body; sensations were normal (I could feel the cool evening breeze flowing through an open window). But quickly, I had the sensation of moving OUT of my body, away and upwards through the top of my head (an odd one of a kind feeling). I only then, after realizing I was in fact FEELING this that I began to actually SEE myself below. Keep in mind this was like a division of consciousness here; I could still feel my body and feel myself away from it.
At this point I made the choice to concentrate on myself aloof from my body. Well, quickly I was flying away from my body, away from the house…like I was being pulled away instead of directing myself away. Well, I was pulled out into the sky, away from the city, away from the state away from the country until I was actually in space flying away from Earth and the Moon. I went through a few asteroid fields as I cleared the solar system and continued outwards with increasing speed. Moving away from the expasiveness of the galaxy, I watched it solidify into the spiral that characterizes it.
On the same tolken, I was soon far enough away that It was like a mere star and every other galaxy about was the same; reduced to single points of light. These too then began to coalesce until I was looking back at the universe at the point of the Big Bang; looking at the waves of energy that themselves created and formed into what appeared to be gyrating atoms. These atoms TOO solidify into matter…and this matter, as I removed myself away from it further and further…I realized was a hair on my head! I then gasped and sat straight up in my chair…laughing uncontrollably. The entire experience took me less than a couple of minutes (by looking at the clock).
1 (The Infinite source of life by wharf rat) – I was God and I was looking in a mirror judging myself,my creation: the whole of existence. This was the end of time and I was sublimely happy with life and everything I had done. And as soon as I realised all this I got sucked back through time to the infinite source of life (the beginning of time). The key to life was sound (the word of God). Interestingly enough it was the letter I. Though I think it was more the meaning than the actual sound.
So I was bouncing through time from front to back and each time it was different. But everytime there was a middle point which was my physical death. Thers so much more that I cant type here because there arent words for it. But if youre thinking about doing theses mushrooms be warned that I found all these visions really terrifying. After looking back I am really glad that I ended up doing it.
2 (Returning home by Don Alex) – My quest for unveiling the maya(illusion) that we live in our everyday experiences began years ago. Since then I have realized that through intense meditation or ethnogenic experiences will one be able to slip into the thousand other realms parallel to our own. The use of psychoactive plants are preferred by me given my lack of my dedication to a lifetime of meditation. Besides, the use of hallucinogens runs in my ancestry as it does to many others. I had run into amanita muscaria a few times in my personal studies of psychoactive plants and mushrooms. Its long time use in human cultures from the ancient Egyptians, Indians (thought to be the main ingredient of the famous Soma drink from the Rig Vedas) and the shamans of Siberia intrigued me. Amanita muscaria is believed by some to be the origin of the legend of Santa Clause and the world known christams holiday. [……]
A heaviness of the feet began soon afterwards and continued up through my legs to the hips and then to my torso. At the 55 min. interval speech was not possible and walking was dificult. Mild distortion in perception was present. The ‘walls and floor are breathing’ is the best way to describe it. The room and contents did not appear to be real, but more like a realistic hologram. [……]
Again starting from the navel and radiating out. As I layed down, I noticed an upside down cone (invisible, but yet discernable. Similar to the the 3D art pictures where an object appears from a background but still retains the backgrounds color.) starting from my navel and spreading to the cosmos. The cone was spinning in a clockwise direction from my perspective. It was the most amazing thing I have seen so far. I soon realized I was oberserving the life line that every living thing has connecting it to the cosmic (implicit) realm. I heard about that lifeline or tentacles in many Hindu literature and also Carlos Castaneda literature, but never thought I would see it in my day (this life at least). But the experience was short lived. […….]
Then it happened. The powerful surges which pulsed at a constant rate started to slow down and decrease in intensity. My conciousness was not focused in my head as is usually, but above and beyond my head. It was an out of body experience. As the pulses slowed down greately but still vibrated deeply and these pulses where the only thing I could hear, my view began to become tunnel vision. If someone knows how your vision is when you black out black out, this is how it was. I lossed it.
3 (Seemingly non toxic but Potent Deleriogen by 3MX) – Effects below in rough, chronological order of appearance :
*persistent after-images, such as those created by staring at the computer screen and quickly looking away.
*active, noticeable hypnagogia (I see these naturally, high ‘activity’ is a sign of sedative or hallucinogen presence for me)
*stared-at objects seemed to shift around slightly
*powerful, full-body analgesia. I felt almost no pain, some nerve-desensitization. This property makes me buy the berserker-amanita theory. I walked about VERY carefully.
*racing, ‘pulsing-fragmentary’ mental process. My mind seemed to have sped up greatly, going in series of three rapid and repeating ‘pulses,’ split-second appearances of geometric, nonsense images in my ‘mind’s eye’ that were not actually seen; each pulse was accompanied by an undiscribeable change in head-feeling.
*delirium like never before, which gave me the impression that I had ‘two minds,’ a delerious one and a sane one, which tried to push-around the delerious one in order to be productive and keep a cool demeanor (my ‘inner sitter’). I managed to confine myself to the dorm, bathroom, and a friend’s room, though I almost walked into the wrong rooms twice.
*lack of attention-span and inability to write coherently. Talking was easy, though I was occasionally at loss for words and I had difficulty relating ideas to words around the peak. Most basic activities required concentration.
*feeling that world was spinning vertically; did not make me dizzy or nausous.
4 (Entering the spiritual realm by Shaman Swa) (Amanite + Psilocybe + Syrain Rue) – Time goes by very slowly and there is an enormous amount of internal dialogue. The experience wasn’t focused on the hallucinations though. It was focused on my interactions with others. Many people don’t believe me but I had the most intense psychic experiences I have ever had at this point. There was an intense energy and psychic exchange between me and my friend. I could read his mind, and he could tell me what I was feeling and thinking. It was very strange. My friend and I pretty much sat around for 3 hours just talking about things and talking about our experience between each other. There are a couple strange things I noticed about the amanitas. They pretty much diminished my emotions. I could think regardless of emotions and I could judge the difference between everything good and evil. I wanted anyone to ask me questions and I felt I could answer them all. There was also a separation of the body and the mind, like they were in two different places, and it felt like I was not in my body at the time. The rest of the experience seemed pretty much was the same after I came out of my subconscious state. [……..]
T+8:30: I’m pretty much down now and it is a little difficult to sleep. I’m still having interesting revalations about life and religion.
5 (The 20 hours nightmare by Bee Gee) (Amanite + Salvia Divinorum) – About 5 seconds later my mind began racing out of control. The first thing that crossed my mind was this is never going to end, I stumbled to my quiet dark room to try and get control of my head, but as soon as I laid down my mind (and there’s no other way to describe it) got caught in a loop of thought so all I could do was think about the same thing over and over again. My mind was caught in a loop and I thought I would be forced to think the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life. It took me into a whole other reality where I had no control of my body or mind. It was like being caught in a waking dream that basically caused me to go completely catatonic. Nobody could get through to me.[…….]
As I started coming around about 5pm the next day I truly start feeling terrified all over again because I was stuck in between two realities and I felt like I was moving through time differently than everybody else. […..]
All I remember is thinking that I had figured out something very profound like a simple truth that would explain everything in life, but I could think of nothing else. It was hell folks. Eventually I tried to sleep but I would lay down and ten minutes would pass but it felt like I was away for hrs.
6 (Experiments by GW) (Amanite + cannabis) – Next, tried 35g of dried Amanita muscaria with 2 hits of cannabis. No bad side effects AT ALL! Great religious experience. Massive time compression, infusion of ‘The Great Mind’ of common consciousness we all share. Wonderful control over hallucinations. More of a ‘perceiving’ experience than a visual one. Truly mind blowing!
Next, tried 45g of dried Amanita muscaria with 2 hits of cannabis. Quicker to that ‘sacred ground’ of God than the first time. Purged some long standing ‘mental baggage’ in the process. The insights and time compression were beyond description. Finally got to experience the total peace of being with God!
Finally, tried 30g of dried Amanita muscaria with no cannabis. Side effects minimal (slight nausea), however, really didn’t turn the corner enough to reach the ‘sacred ground’.
7 (Euphoric state of consciousness by Steven Pollock) – Within a half hour I noticed many peculiar effects. Audition became enhanced and synesthesias became prominent with multi-modality overflow. I began to taste odors, to small tastes, and even to hear odors and tastes. Visual disturbances were almost non-existent, but I noticed frequent recurrent gustatory, olfactory and auditory flashes. Tactile sensation became markedly enhanced.
8 (Pure Horror by ACM Drug) – At this point I got drowsy and as much as I tried to stay awake, I could not. In a few minutes, as far as I can figure, I woke up with a sense of understanding that to the day I die I will never be able to tell with words, but the best explanation I can give is that I was traveling from different times to other different times and memories all the way to my death only to repeat the cycle when I died. At this point I had the genius idea that I had died and my life was flashing before my eyes. I panicked.
9 (Be careful with these by Zackmann) – Objects don’t have the motion LSD gives them, but the light is very distorted and makes everything else distorted around them.
(Note personnelle : quels que soient les effets de l’activité psychique, il est important de MANGER et BOIRE aux heures habituelles, et les MEME VOLUMES qu’en temps normal ; voire même : boire plus d’eau)
10 (by Crispy) The next part of the trip was the most horrific experience of my life. I found myself caught in a neverending loop of thought. (I found the same ordeal in another report, interesting) each time the thought would cycle, it would speed up. I felt I was in some sort of hell, destined to experience this loop forever.
It was my life. The life I had failed. Frame by frame, backwards. My hell was to experience my life moment by moment and to feel all the pain I had caused and had felt. I saw my dad looking over my dead body, I tried to call his name but my voice was weak and he could not hear me. I felt helpless, lost, forsaken. I then realized I was not only to repeat my life moment by moment, but everyone on earth. Everyone that had ever lived. I was to experience every pain of any human being that had ever lived. This was terrifying to the greatest extent. This was my hell, I had failed my test of life and deserved it.
Then I came back to ‘reality’. I called the name of the lord. I cried for God. I moaned I was sorry and to take me back. I thought it was my second chance (was it my second chance?) I ran to the hallway to tell people of the lord and his mercy. No on was around so I ran back to the room and made my friend sit down. I explained to him that I had died, gone to hell and had received a second chance. I talked to him for around a half hour with little response from him. I told him I was an angel and that my whole purpose was to change him and that the lord was the only way. This life is a test and the worldy things so important to us now are nothing in the next life.
11 by Robert Cain The view I got of the human condition and the burried sadness, pain and agony in everyone around and treating me in the busy emergency facility may have been one very powerful sort of empathogenic halucination effect but it fucked me up for a long time.
12 by btorzyn This is the greatest drug in the world! I feel God pulsing through my muscles. Just realized “anyone can dance to every song because the beat is God. The pulse of energy that emanates through everything is God. I am dancing with God, literally. God is a mushroom, or rather — God created the mushroom so that man could participte in God’s consciousness.” […]
Another idea — mentioned above — is that somehow Soma is God’s means of experiencing, through man’s mind, the joy of being. Hard to describe, but I had the distinct impression that somehow, “God” is only able to experience existence vicariously. Somehow human beings (and other sentient beings) are the lenses through which God views existence. The mushroom is the catalyst.
13 Forgot How To Sleep (Amanitas – A. muscaria ) by Zenergy
By 3 hours into the trip I started started to become Extremely talkative and I couldn’t stop trying to describe how I was feeling to my roommate. It became impossible for me to do the simplest of tasks (it took me 15 minutes to find a number in my cellphone to call a friend). My Internal dialouge was split into 2 different minds it seemed. I could alternate freely between the two minds but couldn’t combine the thoughts together.
1 (The Pinnacle of reason by Gundy) – The main difference from standard reality lay in the fluidity of which time moved. It was as though I was in an untouchable zone that moved me around, both physically and spiritually, with the precision and grace of a talented ballerina, as opposed to the lumbering and clumsy movement of regular time. No evil could touch me in this zone; while not completely euphoric, it was a sense of complete acceptance of any events that might occur. […..]The zone continued for about five hours, and was rapidly wearing off at the sixth. So at 04am, I repeated the bathroom operation with my friends, and as the party wore off I joined one of them in retreating to his house, where I had a riveting conversation with his father, a prominent politician. I could explore every angle of a subject, and decide how to lead it in order to incur the optimal psychological effect. I don’t mean to say that I was brilliant or anything, just that the process of choosing words was extremely satisfying, and no matter how trivial a topic was, I found everything genuinely fascinating.
2 (On top of the world…for a while by Geesh) – At about 5 PM I realized that it had kicked in big time. I was talking 1000 words per minute and didn’t realize it. I also realzed that I had this body high going, and I felt invincible! I was running around the neighborhood for no reason just feeling great, while thinking to myself ‘this is the greatest drug in the world!’ I loved the feeling I got, lots of energy and I wasn’t afraid to talk to anyone and the euphoria was awesome. Although my mouth was really dry and i kept foaming.
3 (Extremes reconciled in a world of dichotomies by Insolite) ( Amphetamines + Lorazepam + Gabapentin) – It is raw. I notice this. There are edges to everything, nuances I do not notice otherwise. More than anything else, the repetitive parts of the music become more pronounced. The beats, or a chorus, perhaps, or a sample played over and over. I enter a trance state. The music controls me. Everything else in the environment becomes an extension of the music. It’s like the inverse of synaesthesia. Things do not blend into each other. They only become extensions of one greater concept, extensions of some godhead whose power I can only imagine. For a moment I shift back into the domain of the real world. It is a fluid transition, like a tidal shift, back and forth, slowly but distinctly. My boat either floats or runs aground. The nicorette goes into the trash can; I wash my hands as a ritual movement. It is beyond my control now. With the addition of the nicotine, everything has become an automatic movement. Consciousness exists, everything is well-deliberated and contemplated. I am just completely dissociated from it.
This sensation is not like ketamine, dxm, nitrous, or any other typical dissociative. There is none of the out-of-body floating. If anything, I have become more rooted in the world. […..]
And so I start writing. It flows without thought. Even now it does the same. Time has lost all reference; space has lost its dimensionality. Everything is one thing. Everything flows into each other; the part is inseperable from the whole. […..]
These flashes of color are reality. Everything else is its backdrop; a sort of ether through which consciousness may flow freely, grasping at the ephemeral bursts of existence that perfuse the ether. […..]
The experience has been one of thanatos: the boundaries exist between objects in the world — indeed, between myself and the world — are negated. This is nothingness. Through this nothingness, though, there is an element of reality that will not — can not — be subdued so easily. Existence may be an artificial construct, but it is a logical one. As much as I try to deconstruct the godhead that is this world, it will not budge. At some level there is an internally congruent layer of existence in the universe. Whether this congruency rises from the internal world, from the psyche, from myself; or if it is a product of the external world, I cannot tell. I cannot even tell if the two are seperate entities. […..]
Through nicotine, the world has cast itself in a new mold; a mold without the nagging inconsistencies and incongruencies of the old. This new world is, in a sense (in many senses, really) more real than the old.
4 (It felt like my brain was beaten with a brick by Oscar) (DXM, Amphetamines (Adderall), Clonazepam (Klonopin), Methcathinone, and Bupropion (Wellbutrin)
For the next hour I was heavily speeded up and paranoid […..]The problem here was that DXM makes me paranoid as hell, and I was already paranoid. […..] My eyes couldn’t focus on anything. I tried listening to the radio and couldn’t stand it. I tried putting in a favorite CD but it just irritated me so I tried a more relaxing CD, ah yes Jimmy Buffet, that oughta do it! Nope […..]For the next two hours I felt like total hell. I felt psychotic, with horrible thoughts of death, getting the door kicked in, etc. Any little sound made me jump. It horrible.
5 (More specifically about the feeling in the chest, when I started thinking about something and got the least bit excited about it, the feeling in my chest would come over me in a whoosh and I felt I was ready to take on the world, as I continued to delve into thought. I just kept having good ideas (and although I was still learning when I wrote this, I can honestly say the ideas are quality, no weird deranged thoughts that only make sense while I’m using. I could use these ideas later. Speaking of later, I had no problem remembering events that transpired or what I thought about.)
6 (Ad it up by S.W. Bloch) – But by far and away, my most unusual effects were the dramatic change in physical sensitivity, especially sexual. And my absolute favorite thing to do on the stuff was, you guessed it, masturbate. Please, pardon my bluntness. I could do it several times longer than I normally could. Once, I believe I must have gone at it for 12 hours, using up all the lubricants, shampoos, cooking oils, and even toothpastes I could find in my home, even fruit preserves. I never felt alone doing this either…..always feeling like there was a lovely female presence in the room. So I was completely shameless about it. Atypical at best, I could even hear voices! During this time, it was usually women moaning that I heard. And sometimes the drug made me so compulsive, confused, and neurotic that I once cleaned my rather filthy body using dozens of paper towels rather than just stepping into the shower! I became so speedy mentally that my body could not keep up. I became ineffecient, paradoxically to the initial effects. I would spin my wheels, going nowhere oh so comfortably. This was the type of madness I engaged in– on a drug that was supposed to improve my retention when reading!
7 At about 5 PM I realized that it had kicked in big time. I was talking 1000 words per minute and didn’t realize it. I also realzed that I had this body high going, and I felt invincible! I was running around the neighborhood for no reason just feeling great, while thinking to myself ‘this is the greatest drug in the world!’ I loved the feeling I got, lots of energy and I wasn’t afraid to talk to anyone and the euphoria was awesome. Although my mouth was really dry and i kept foaming.
8 (UTTERLY Contrary to My Expectations! Amphetamines & Mushrooms – P. semilanceata by I aRe)
… we set off walking to the local woods […]The visual distortions to the world around me were beyond the pale – everything was exploding with masses of colour, multiple jelly-image outlines around everyone and everything. It was fairly dark, but I was squinting against the brightness of what I was seeing – people would walk around a corner in front of me, yet I could still see them, they were throwing off bright, richly multi-coloured ‘skins’ that were left hanging there in the ethers, leaving behind a human shaped weaving tube of colourful brilliance. Not a bit like ‘traces’ or anything similar, rather more real, substantial, and un-diminishing. Where one person walked through these, they would leave their own layered atop the previous one(s). I could walk through them, turn, and still see them there behind me with my own added to the crazy mix. As I was walking at the back of a group of around 9, I could hardly see a damned thing of the trees or trail around me anymore.
The physical sensations in my body were overwhelming, rush after rush, ‘cutting’ zinging tingles of razor sharp nervous sensation, thrummings through the bones – more than I can describe. I could not process thought and such in the least – people would speak to me, I could hear every word, knew the words’ meanings, but could not formulate even the pre-cursors to an answer. If brain cells are moving parts, then mine were glued-fast together. The only thing I could ‘process’ at all, was an extremely nervous, very tense and intense, anxiety. I was frozen, closed, locked in and locked up. My head was burning beneath the skull with the overloading pressure of it all. If there was anything more to this experience, anything deeper, any opening doors, connections to the universe etc. then I was far too distraught to notice it.
1 LSD eventually began slapping me around. i was having the same bad trip pretty much relentlessly, and this trip could be characterized like this: after a certain point during an extremely intense peak, i become convinced that i have suddenly ‘clicked into’ some cosmic network of synchronistic communication with all things, and reality is now entirely within my control. it’s an extremely delusional god-like state; not that i think i’m a god, but rather, i think i’m still me, only now i’ve tripped my way into knowing everything and being able to do whatever i like. my behavior during these delusions is based on that, and then after a point, i start to come down, realize i’ve been delusional, realize my behavior toward others present has been entirely inappropriate, and i crash extremely hard.
after several too many reckless choices involving LSD, and getting that result every time, i stopped. i needed time and distance in order to understand how i had gotten so far afield.
2 by Mauldric I shut my again only to hear immediately ‘Psst….Psst… Hey A (we’ll call me A), can you understand me?’ I opened my eyes to see the cat staring at me curiously and I realized it was the cat who said it. Again she said without moving her lips ‘You can understand me right now can’t you?’ In amazement I replied ‘Yes, I can Pandy. I think it’s because i’m in a heightened state of mind.’ She almost looked like she smiled and said ‘You can always hear my thoughts in this state.’ She turned and walked away. By this time I had already experienced more realistic hallucinations than I ever have before and was very surprised and pleased that the acid was going so strong and pleasantly.
3 by blarg I start to get paranoid. Really paranoid. I need to leave. I want to go home. I’ve never felt this paranoid in my life. Something’s wrong. I run out of my friend’s house, troop behind me.
All of a sudden I realize that everything I think about the world, reality, and, well, everything, is a huge misconception. Everything is an illusion — time, space, even the people I know. Everyone is me and I am everyone. I suppose those little bits of my brain were testing the mettle of my self-righteous existentialism — that we all live as behavioral models for each other. You might call it the Golden Rule.
As for the huge misconception, I realized that everyone in the world is nothing but a competing aspect of my own personality. How I interact with these competing aspects determines my course in life, and determines what role I can have in making the world a better place for our descendants. But if everyone in the world is actually me, what’s the fucking point?
Because Kirkegaard was right! While it’s absurd to consider one’s self an existentialist and to believe in some dark mysterious creator at the same time, it all hit me. There is a God, and he’s testing me right now. My whole life. He’s pummeling my brain with all these stimuli, that I call friends, music, sex, drugs, coffee tables. Holy shit! I start noticing Nissans everywhere as I walk through town (I drive a Nissan). I think about family members who have been addicted to drugs, and I am instantly overwhelmed with guilt regarding my use. Will my use, however moderate, inspire someone else’s spiral into addiction and loss of self-control? It’s too late to change what I’ve done in the past. I realize that I am living my punishment.
[…]Why do we call it ‘tripping?’ What does that mean? Of course — when I get home, I’m literally going to trip down my steps. That’s become the ever-present word, ‘trip.’ I’m going to die. Time doesn’t exist, run forwards, or backwards. I’m already dead. I close my eyes
I open my eyes. I’m standing on a street corner, where I was before I closed my eyes. I’m still alive. Awesome. But I can’t go home now. I will trip down the steps. It’s beyond my control, it’s in the stars. I want to go home, but I can’t. Why? […]
Now I realize I’m in hell. I can’t go home anymore. I begin to regard one of my troopers as the not-so-figurative devil-on-my-shoulder, the other as the angel. Follow the devil to more acid? Fuck no! That got me here in the first place. Just keep walking.
But I can walk anywhere I want. I’d imagine hell to be a place where I have no control over my next move. Wait, I’m not in hell. I’m on earth. But why do I still have these paranoid delusions? Why do I still believe that nothing is real? Wait! I’m not having paranoid delusions anymore!
I realize that I’m God. And that’s why it was so easy to believe in the paranoia. I can do anyhing. I’m all-powerful. No more delusions.
Who is everyone else? They’re Gods too.
The acid is wearing off. So’s the collective consciousness. No longer am I everyone and vice-versa, no longer am I dead, and the clock makes sense again.
4 compte rendu par Hoffman lui-même !…en 1943, une de ses premières expériences
The dizziness and sensation of fainting became so strong at times that I could no longer hold myself erect, and had to lie down on a sofa. My surroundings had now transformed themselves in more terrifying ways. Everything in the room spun around, and the familiar objects and pieces of furniture assumed grotesque, threatening forms. They were in continuous motion, animated, as if driven by an inner restlessness. The lady next door, whom I scarcely recognized, brought me milk — in the course of the evening I drank more than two liters. She was no longer Mrs. R., but rather a malevolent, insidious witch with a colored mask. Even worse than these demonic transformations of the outer world, were the alterations that I perceived in myself, in my inner being. Every exertion of my will, every attempt to put an end to the disintegration of the outer world and the dissolution of my ego, seemed to be a wasted effort. A demon had invaded me, had taken possession of my body, mind, and soul. I jumped up and screamed, trying to free myself from him, but then sank down again and lay helpless on the sofa. The substance, with which I wanted to experiment, had vanquished me. It was the demon that scornfully triumphed over my will. I was seized by the dreadful fear of going insane. I was taken to another world, another place, another time. My body seemed to be without sensation, lifeless, strange. Was I dying? Was this the transition? At times I believed myself to be outside my body, and then perceived clearly, as an outside observer, the complete tragedy of my situation. I had not even taken leave of my family (my wife, with our three children had traveled that day to visit her parents, in Lucerne). Would they ever understand that I had not experimented thoughtlessly, irresponsibly, but rather with the utmost caution, and that such a result was in no way foreseeable? My fear and despair intensified, not only because a young family should lose its father, but also because I dreaded leaving my chemical research work, which meant so much to me, unfinished in the midst of fruitful, promising development. Another reflection took shape, an idea full of bitter irony: if I was now forced to leave this world prematurely, it was because of this lysergic acid diethylamide that I myself had brought forth into the world. By the time the doctor arrived, the climax of my despondent condition had already passed. My laboratory assistant informed him about my self- experiment, as I myself was not yet able to formulate a coherent sentence. He shook his head in perplexity, after my attempts to describe the mortal danger that threatened my body. He could detect no abnormal symptoms other than extremely dilated pupils. Pulse, blood pressure, breathing were all normal. He saw no reason to prescribe any medication. Instead he conveyed me to my bed and stood watch over me. Slowly I came back from a weird, unfamiliar world to reassuring everyday reality. The horror softened and gave way to a feeling of good fortune and gratitude, the more normal perceptions and thoughts returned, and I became more confident that the danger of insanity was conclusively past. Now, little by little I could begin to enjoy the unprecedented colors and plays of shapes that persisted behind my closed eyes. Kaleidoscopic, fantastic images surged in on me, alternating, variegated, opening and then closing themselves in circles and spirals, exploding in colored fountains, rearranging and hybridizing themselves in constant flux. It was particularly remarkable how every acoustic perception, such as the sound of a door handle or a passing automobile, became transformed into optical perceptions. Every sound generated a vividly changing image, with its own consistent form and color.
by A « Envelopped by all of nature » (c’est sa première fois) I started to notice that when she moved her arms about, making gestures, I was able to see the trails following her fingertips. I think this was when I realised that everything around me was different. It was like being in a whole different universe. Everything even looked pristine, and alive.
I suppose I tend to be a person who is very much geared toward the visual, the spiritual, and maybe a little, the philosophical, but all the visual changes I was noticing made me ecstatic. I remember also becoming extremely aware of tactile changes. There was a gentle breeze that night. I felt the breeze kiss my skin, and it was almost orgasmic. I almost felt as though I had been touched by God. I felt like I was being enveloped by all of nature. […]
I remember sitting on the front steps, enjoying all these new sensations, then looking at a few long blades of grass that were blowing in the breeze. I started to believe they were alive *and* aware, and that they were’t just blowing in the breeze but were stretching toward me, reaching out to me. I remember reaching over to touch these blades of grass, then suddenly becoming aware that I was in the midst of so much life. I began to feel like I was so connected with all of life and nature. I think, at that moment, I never felt more alive. I think somehow during this trip, I also became more aware of my own *im*mortality. I seem to remember thinking about dying, and for the first time, it didn’t really scare me because I seemed to be aware that my soul somehow transcended anything physical….that in some way, and I didn’t know exactly in what way, that I would always exist. I felt very thankful that God had put me on earth so that I may experience the pleasures of having a body, and being able to see beauty, and to hear music, and to experience physical love and sensuous touch, which I feel are physical manifestations of the spirit. I feel humans are as creative as we are because we have a soul, it’s our soulful outlet. […)
I loved the way it enhanced the enjoyment of listening to music, or listening to crickets, or listening to the breeze. In some ways, I think that death is something like this. I think that with death, because you are no longer tied to physical binds, you become much more one with the universe, and you become tuned into the true power and beauty of existance, but not in a physical way ……Ahh…. but I’m rambling. ( I tend to do this… must be all that LSD I ate. ; ) )…
6 by G.T Currie « Impossible to understand reality » (première fois, pour des étudiants en médecine, qui font ça de façon expérimentale) So he became person B and I became the recorder. ‘Ok, start….now!’ I said as the second hand reached 12. Cory started to talk to our friend Sean. They talked and talked. All of a sudden Cory looked alarmed and turned towards me, ‘Stop! Stop! Oh no! I forgot all about the experiment!’ I wrote down the actual time and asked him for his estimated time. He replied, ‘Oh man! Atleast 15 minutes have passed by!’ I grinned, ‘Actuall time: 15 seconds!’ The time dilation was fantastic! I had never experienced anything like this before in my life…but there was more to come still as only the first amounts of acid had been absorped into my system. […]
I layed there for what seemed like hours. I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t tired in the least. It was as if the actual mechanism for sleep had been removed from my system. Sleep just did not exist. […]
We returned to the kitchen. The acid was in full-blown affect now. During the week I had had a pain in my chest that had been with me for a few days (probably a bruise from sparring). My body-perception was normal from my head down to my shoulders but then my body narrowed down to an infinitely thin point at this point in my chest, flowed down about three feet, curved around behind my back and up over my shoulder where it then flowed off into infinity. My body just kept flowing down through my chest and off into infinity through this strange curved pattern. I had also lost the comfort that one normally has of one’s body. It was as if my body no longer existed…that warm cozy cloak I had worn for all my life was now gone….leaving emptiness…void…nothing… This gave me great feelings of insecurity and distress. I explained to Cory that I wished I could wrap myself up in a great big comforter or perhaps put a ballon inside my side and inflate it so that I could feel the reassurance of my body again. In times of stress, one can always retreat to one’s body and hug one’s self for comfort…for me this was gone.
As I was washed over by my perceptions and thoughts, I discovered I had lost another form or retreat and comfort. Whenever you are stressed or overwhelmed you can always close your eyes. Away from the world and safe in the warm darkness or fleshy colour (if it is a sunny day or if a light is near by). I was overwhelmed and closed my eyes to escape all the visuals for a moment. But when I closed my eyes, it was still all there! Even more so somehow! I realized that I was here for the full-haul on this trip… It was obvious that the drug didn’t affect the outside world reaching my retina, it was affecting my brain’s processing of the visual information and my other internal processes. […]
It was now that we were experiencing the suggestability that can be found in this state. At one point I used the expression of something ‘splitting in two.’ When I used that phrase, Cory felt his body actually split in two. […]
At this point in the trip I became something that I can not put into words… I became atemporal. I existed without time…I existed through an infinite amount of time. This concept is impossible to comprehend without having actually perceived it. Even now in retrospect it is hard to comprehend it. But I do know that I lived an eternity that night…
7 Why I’m Never Touching LSD by Anonymous
After we got it we smoked a couple o hits in the car and we headed back home. All of a sudden I felt overwhelmed by something, I flew out of my own body and out the back of the car and I could see myself in a way weirder than an out-of-body because I could see my body in the car and I could see my soul floating above the car all from a different perspective. Everything shifted into cartoon form and looked very fucked up, everything became 2-D and flat. The part of me that was floating above the car changed form so it’s now 2-D face grew a zig-zag mustache and one of its eyes became a spinning spiral while the other became a flickering eye of horus, which shot occult symbols out (the symbols were constantly floating around the head). Then the soul’s head began spinning and turned into a top on which there were various changing 2-D cartoon faces all with the mustache, eyes, etc. Finaly the face stayed the same, it was the face of my father!
(By the way, the other part of me, my body, could be seen in the distance screaming and thrashing about waving its hands about thrashing away strange things which flew around its head). Then a strange ‘electrical tornado’ crashed down upon the ‘top’ head. Both bodies crumbled to dust and blew away. My position then shifted so I could see out of every dust particle. The particles then spread throughout the universe and absorbed into everything. I have had near death experiences before and this was exactly the same as the others. I existed in everything simultaneously yet I did not exist myself. I could only experience, I could not act. I then suddenly flashed into a somewhat concensus reality only this reality was just as messed up as what I just experienced. I just sat there in a movie theater wondering why I was watching this stupid movie of some people sitting in a car. Then I realized I was supposed to be in the car !!!!!! I tried to force my self back to reality and was some what successful (I would periodically shift back to movie theater vision). When I finally managed to understand what was going on in the car I heard the driver saying ‘I have seen people on ten hits of acid and I have never seen anyone that fucked up before.’ I tried to tell everyone what just happened and I couldn’t manage to articulate my words enough to do so.
I had no idea where I was except that I was in a car, I was scared I thought I would either die or go insane forever. I remember one thought going through my head continuously ‘I am the biggest lunatic alive. People will charge admission to see me. My parents will feel I am a disgrace and disown me. All because I know the meaning of it all but cannot explain it.’ The strange thing about this thought was that I was not consciously thinking it and yet it was running through my head so clearly I could hear it.
When we got back to K’s house her parents asked if I was hungry. I felt sick. My heart was racing so fast I could hear it. I stammered an answer and K pulled me upstairs. I told her I was not okay and I fell to the floor of her room. She ran downstairs to get her parents. Suddenly I felt completely fine and ran to catch up with K. She was telling her parents I was ODing and was going to die. I yelled that I was OK, but no one heard me!? Then K and her parents ran upstairs … right through me. ‘Oh Shit’, I thought ‘I was dead.’ I ran after them and saw my own body on the ground completely still. Then I realized that I hadn’t been breathing and had no pulse the entire time I was downstairs. Just as I made the realization I snapped back into my body and told them I had just died and become a ghost. They took me to the hospital and to make a long story short, the doctors did nothing except laugh at me and take blood samples.
My parents came and picked me up. The only hallucinations I had in the hospital were posters being written in Japanese, Jesus on a cross on a wall talking to me in jibberish, a giant washing machine floating in the middle of the room, out of body experiences (especially when vomitting which occured about 6 times), things becoming cartoon like (again especially while vomitting). Closed eye visuals were so elaborate it is hard to explain them, all of them were 3-D and most of them were 1960’s images smiley faces, peace signs, grateful dead bears, etc. or naked people melting together and growing weird limbs and bodily structures all while having intercourse (Note: I didn’t close my eyes much because I felt I couldn’t open them if I did). That’s all folks. Take it for what it’s worth, I figure either my tolerance for LSD is extremely low, the pot was laced with something or both. I have also had flashbacks, trails, and mild ego disolution since then. Either way LSD is definitely not getting my recommendation !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8 For a Short Time I was There by Sean Le Blanc
Oh man…I can feel it now… it’s so beautiful… God is silently, insistently saying everything’s alright… I can’t describe how much light and love was in me then… and now…
Sorry, I’m back. the next few minutes are so bizarre. Suddenly there was no more music even though it was still playing, somewhere, out there… all I could think of was how much I loved my daughter and at that instant my daughter came straight out of her room and climbed into my lap. She stared long and deep into my eyes and said, ‘Daddy, you have rainbows in your eyes’ and I realized that I was not made of flesh anymore, I was a giant, glowing, sunshine-filled diamond, and fear fell away. Pain fell away. And I was filled with the power of the Universe. Even weeks later I could feel it. I had the power to look inside people and see their fears and weaknesses and I knew they were totally powerless against me. Of course, all the power I had was light and love and all I wanted to do to people was to love and heal them and bring them into the light. It was truly magical.
9 The Key To Happiness is in the Mind by ozjono (première expérience au LSD)
I wrote “You are truly loved by someone when you are loved for what you are at heart. Not for what you are trying to be, or for what they want you to be.” Within everyone there is a true notion of who they really are. Their “true inner self” as such. In everyday life such a notion gets buried in most people by the acting and role-playing we feel necessary to conduct. People act in a manner that they think other people would want or expect them to act in, out of the fear that they won’t be accepted if they don’t. Our “big game of acceptance” I coined it; everyone constructing a persona that they feel will allow others to accept them. This was also cast aside by the LSD mind state. I reconnected with my “true self”, a childlike, fun-loving, happy-go-lucky individual. Something that had been semi-buried under a constructed exterior. […]
A few months later this experience spawned an interest in Buddhism, which I’ve taken to practicing, as a way of training my mind. I firmly believe that through meditation the mental tranquility that I attained during this experience can be cultivated and continued, without the aid of any drug. LSD just showed me that it was possible and that the key to happiness in this world lies in our minds.
10 Insanity, Death – Years of Rebuilding – Peace LSD & Hash by Throy C.
[…] I was 16 years old and I slept on the floor at the foot of their bed. I released all my secrets. If there is a sacred confession. This was it… I was cleansed by fire. I felt as though I rose from ashes… and I did. That night I was utterly humbled and humiliated by existence. I was a child again but also evolved. […]
It was like every day I died.. and re-awoke. Every day I teetered between heaven and hell. Small decisions like “Which juice shall I buy and drink?” were wrapped in meaning and metaphor that extended beyond daily life, seemingly deciding my eternal fate. Just under everything was a mechanism, a test or a plot… Unraveling. I saw powers that we are all capable of… The power to live or to die any moment… I began seeing through the facades of judgment and morality. My learned belief systems eroded and were replaced with experience. […]
Much of my “delusions” weren’t so at all. This life, this existence is a blanket of meaning and metaphor. Everything we see, touch, hear is a creation of our own perceptions. This can drive you mad, or make you powerful, exalted and blissful.
11 Leibe Sucht Dich! LSD by Chris M.
[…] As I sat in horror deciding what to do next everything merged and coalesced with everything else destroying the tangibility of each individual object. Time and space dissolved. My sleeping bag and tent stretched and contracted. I wondered who I was. I was no longer sure. Most of the ideas I had about who I was no longer felt tenable. It felt that my whole life had necessarily culminated to this moment. All I felt I knew was that I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a wretched human being and that life was meaningless. I could either leave right then and go back to my friends on the farm where I lived and let them know I knew they knew I knew that life was meaningless and that all humans were in eternal conflict with each other and everything and that all we could do was feign communion and happiness. […]
My other choice would be to stay in the woods and die. Either way my identity of being a ‘good person’ would be destroyed. I felt overwhelming dread seeing that I was caught in a vicious Catch-22. But, I thought, there’d at least be some redemption if I went back and let everyone know that I realized all of my ‘idealistic’ dreams were selfish and arrogant and that I was a worthless person who needed to beg for forgiveness. I felt my friends and parents knew what I was going through at that very moment and were just waiting to see whether I had the humility to admit to them that all I’d thought and done with my life was completely self-centered and wrong.
[…]But I thought if I could just remember what LSD was I could stave off the bad trip. I thought that what LSD was was what LSD stood for, but I could not remember what it stood for.
[…]The trip became even more frightening when physical reality had pretty much lost all substantiality. Nothing had any distinct identity. Everything was fluid. There was nothing to get a grip on psychologically. Everything I touched lost all feeling of solidity on contact. I decided I should eat something to help me get a hold of reality. Feeling the solidity of food in my mouth and stomach I thought would help.
I took one bite of an energy bar and spit it out. It tasted disgusting. That food could be repulsive further confirmed my idea that life was essentially indifferent and meaningless since negative things were possible. I looked down at the food I had spit out and saw it turned into clumps of writhing maggots. I looked more closely at the spit out food to see that it really wasn’t maggots, but I only saw the maggots in greater detail. More fear welled up in me. Now I had further, tangible evidence that reality was a malignant, indifferent, untrustworthy miscreation at its’ core. The lusus naturae of all lusus naturaes so that any and everything that could exist in all possible realities was necessarily a deformed, grotesque aberration destined to bear nothing but total chaos and randomness so nothing ultimately made any sense and no perception or interpretation could ultimately be trusted.
But beyond the fear of the indifference and meaninglessness of reality I was terrified that the solidity of the world had dissolved. I had to get in touch with something solid, either from the present or past, something that would show they were real and not just figments of my imagination. I opened up my journal to read some of the entries I had written to help confirm to myself that the past I remembered having happened really did happen. I thought that if the thoughts in my mind could be confirmed by something outside of myself it would provide solid evidence of my past and put solid ground back under my feet again, and more so, put solid ground back under my ideas about myself and reality. It would also help confirm my belief that I was having doubts about who I was, and reality in general, because I was on a bad acid trip. But when I opened my journal and started reading I became afraid to read past the quotes in the beginning of the thinking that if I read some of my personal experiences they would only create a whole other series of worries and doubts.
Then I remembered I had my watch, and I remembered that I had taken the LSD at about 1:00 pm. I felt that seeing my watch would give me something very concrete to hold onto. I could check the time and the date, and I knew that if the time was about what I’d expect it to be and the date was what I thought it should be I’d know that I was just having a bad acid trip and that it was only the acid that was causing me to lose my hold on reality. I looked at my watch and the time said 5:48 pm. That was good – about what I expected. And the date was 11 – 18 – 95. Also very good. Those outside facts confirmed my inner thoughts. The watch felt solid and real in my hand. A wave of relief came over me.
But then I doubted that what the watch said or that the watch itself was real. I didn’t know anything outside of my own thoughts that could prove what the watch said was real and true. I saw what the watch said as part of a lie. I realized I was waking up to the ‘Great Lie’ – the lie that is past on from generation to generation of humans that the material world is substantial, solid and that our ideas and measurements of it reveal reality. I now saw this was not true. It was clear now that there is never anything to get a hold of and call ‘reality’. I realized that everything in my inner experience and in the outer world had no real substance. I realized that nothing could be trusted, that there was no solid truth to hold onto. I looked down at my watch and it melted in my hand. Any substance and weight it had had a moment before was gone. I threw it to the ground in terror.
Any and every hellish scenario began to feel possible now. I decided to open myself up to the most bizarre and hellish possibilities. I saw a comfort in realizing that anything could go wrong – then at least I could take comfort in knowing what the truth was: that reality is hell. I decided to see if I could jump through the earth into another dimension. I ran and jumped into the air. It was deeply comforting when my feet landed firmly on the ground. Layers of fear immediately dissipated from my mind. Some of the substantiality of the physical world returned. I felt security in the returning solidity.
[…] I lied down in my tent trying to accept the fact that I might die out there in woods. Facing immanent death made fear of the meaninglessness of existence and its’ insubstantiality pale in comparison. Accepting the fact that I might actually die a deep sobriety came over me. With the sobriety I no longer felt a need to avoid anything, however frightening. A deep desire to face the truth, to face reality, however good or bad it might be, filled my being. I didn’t listen to Gregorian chant. I didn’t want to try to create any feelings of a good world. I wanted reality to come to me on its own terms. I’d accept whatever it gave me.
I moved my butt-cheeks while lying down so I could get more of a sense of my physical being. The world was feeling more tangible. I realized I just needed to be interacting with physical reality, that I needed to be completely living in the here and now, in each and every moment. I noticed that storm-like clouds had formed in the sky. I got up and put my rainfly on my tent. A said out loud what I needed to be doing each step of the way, ‘OK, attach the rainfly there. Good. Let’s go over here now.’ I just wanted to be fully in the present, no matter how mundane it happened to be.
I realized that living in the present moment no matter how ‘mundane’, ‘routine’, or ‘boring’ was beautiful compared to the horror acid trip I had just been experiencing. Physical reality, with all its’ solidity was slowly coming back into focus. Then the bad trip was completely gone. And without realize it, the good trip wasn’t there either. I didn’t notice that the feeling of tripping was diminishing. It was now about five hours after consuming the four hits of LSD. Exhausted, but greatly relieved, I went into my tent and lied down.
I suddenly came to, and it was like the other times I had lost and regained consciousness. There was no feeling of having fallen asleep. It felt like I had blacked-out and suddenly come to. I spontaneously, without thinking it was strange, or even realizing what I was doing, jumped up and out of the tent. I knelt on the ground and grabbed a fistful of leaves. I pressed them against my face. The bad trip, or any feeling of tripping was completely gone. I hugged a tree. It was solid! Solidity! What a joy! And sounds had substance again. And everything I looked at was hard, firm – solid.
I suddenly came to again after a lapse of consciousness. Again, I spontaneously jumped out of my tent and knelt down grabbing a fistful of leaves. I stood up realizing that the world felt very different and that I felt very different. It felt as though a burden had been lifted from every cell in my body. My body felt amazingly light, and every movement I made felt effortless and completely natural. Then I realized that my sense of having a personal consciousness was gone. I knew in that moment, beyond any doubt, that I had awaken. I felt that I was in a fairy tale land.
Everything felt so close. I could feel the whole universe right there in front of me. It felt like the universe was laughing and clapping and saying, ‘Welcome home.’ I literally felt that I had awaken from a dream. It truly felt that I had just been born, just, in that moment, truly come to life. I repeated out loud, ‘This is so funny’ (awakening from taking LSD) and ‘This is so incredible.’ I looked at the darkening sky and the ground and the trees. Everything looked so soft and light. It seemed that the world had been turned inside out.
I realized how meaningful suffering is. If people truly knew that suffering was a natural part of existence then they would attend to their suffering instead of trying to avoid it. Suffering is a reminder that there is something wrong with our perception (understanding) of reality. We need to ask, ‘Why do I suffer?’ and see that the answer is in the question: because of ‘I’. We suffer because of the idea of an ‘I’ separate from and standing apart and independent from the rest of the universe.
I saw so clearly how most humans are still caught in the illusion of separateness, but I no longer saw the irrational acts of humans as evil or tragic. I saw suffering as an essentially natural outcome when reality is not percieved correctly. There was no pity for the human condition, only compassion.
I could feel how we all originate from nothing. The best way I could think about it at the time was that we are all crystallized points of eternity. I thought, of course something that is eternal and infinite is going to suffer if it thinks it is something temporal and finite. Thinking you live in a human body is necessarily going to be very suffocating, claustrophobic, when you are, in fact, infinite, which doesn’t imply endless space but its’ transcendence.
My head felt like a void, and I had a feeling of vastness and emptiness up through my stomach, chest, neck and mouth. I loved the sound of my voice. I felt like I was speaking out of a void. Every sound and syllable I made was effortless and sounded perfectly crisp and clear. I realized before that I had always been afraid of my voice.
As I tried to think of ‘myself’ I found it very hard. There was nothing to hold onto. There was no longer any concept that could contain who I now recognized myself to be. I saw that my life as ‘Chris M.’ had been nothing but a dream. There was nothing substantial about ‘Chris M.’. I asked myself, ‘Who is Chris M.?’ and found I had no idea. He was a dream, an illusion, a mirage. My whole past life felt like a dream that I had just woken-up from. It was hard getting a hold of past memories. Nothing specific came to mind. It didn’t bother me in the least. It seemed that I had been dropped off in the woods about a month ago.
I thought to myself that it was worth next to an eternity to reach the state I was in. I laughed at all the things people identify themselves with – political causes, religions, their color of skin, nationality, being cool etc. I saw the ridiculousness of so many acts of humans.
I thought of my family, and my friends on the farm where I lived, and saw how much I loved them all. I felt that they were right there with me. The earth, the universe, felt so small, as if everything was immediately present. I thought of what I would do next with my life, and I found there was nothing to weigh my thoughts against. Everything I thought of doing was just, ‘Yeah, OK, whatever.’ There was no seriousness or worry or doubt to my thoughts. It was just, ‘whatever I do, I do.’
I remember shouting out, ‘Hello!’ expecting the universe to answer back. I had never felt so incredibly alive. The world had been transformed from a ‘serious place’ to a place of pure magic and wonder. I just wanted to help others wake up and say, ‘See, isn’t it awesome and miraculous? See, the world’s already perfect.’
I felt completely safe and secure and at home. I laughed at the thought that people are actually afraid of being attacked in the woods by another human. Being afraid felt so absurd, so completely unjustified, completely based on an illusion about one’s true nature and the true nature of reality.
[…]I was now in a clearing up in the mountains at night with the stars overhead. I layed out my sleeping back in the open beneath the stars, a feeling of total freedom, of oneness with all, permeating my being. The temperature was dropping. My body shivered from the cold, but coldness was just coldness, not a ‘problem’ as I’d normally related to it. I no longer felt any pain in my right knee which had been bothering me for weeks.
I lied down in my sleeping bag looking up at the stars. They felt like they were right in front of my face. Everytime I opened my eyes I mentally jumped back at seeing how close the stars were. The mountains also felt very close, and the sound of the wind and trains and voices and other noises felt like they were right next to me. The sights and sounds were perceived without ideas or beliefs or any thoughts coming in the way.
The insubstantiality of time and space was completely tangible and obvious. They were still there, but I now saw them as the thinnest of veils lying across the vastness of the void.
Possibly the most powerful part of the awakening was that all existential suffering and all existential doubt had ended. I had attained ‘Certitude’ of certain things as the Zen priest Steve Hagen had spoken about in his book ‘How the World Can Be the Way It Is’, which I think had had a significant influence on me having this experience. I had read the entire book the previous day, and one of the main themes of the book is trying to prove that there is nothing substantial in the material world, and yet, there it is. He says that the world is filled with paradoxes until we just see things for what they are beyond all conceptualization. I have no doubt that all the ideas in that book were mulling around in my unconscious mind when I took those four hits of acid.
Who I was and my ‘place’ in the world were meaningless questions now. I Knew that I had awaken. I Knew that existential human suffering is based upon an illusion – the illusion of separation. I Knew that what I was could never be harmed. I had no fear of anything. Fear is a product of the separate self. Fear goes hand-in-hand with the feeling of separation. The individual, separate ‘I’ is fear.
Two men came up to me while I was lying in my sleeping bag. They wanted to know if it had been me they’d seen walking along the mountain ridges, or rather, the headlamp that they’d seen. Every word I spoke came out effortlessly. I felt a naturalness and comfortableness in my being that I had never felt before. I felt the infinite in me communing, unaware to the two men, with the infinite in them. It was a joy being with others because I felt no separation with them.
Another amazing thing I noticed was seeing that thoughts were no longer a problem. I could easily put aside any thoughts in my mind and just see the world void of any concepts about it. It was such an exhilarating feeling of liberation – there was finally space, boundless space, in my mind.
Not long after I had initially woken-up to reality I felt I had realized what LSD is. I felt that it had been created by the collective unconscious of humanity to show humans deeper aspects of reality to help them wake up, ultimately, to the ground of being itself. I thought the same idea about Chaos Theory. I saw that everything is happening to help us wake-up. I saw, without any doubt, that the only useful thing to do in life is to wake-up. All the works of humanity, all technological progress adds up to nothing. The only thing that is of any value is to wake-up to reality.
The next morning the voidness in my head and body had greatly diminished. I didn’t feel as light, though my voice still seemed to be coming from a void, and objects still felt lighter than ‘normal’. I thought that maybe I was already growing use to my new state, but as time went on it was clear that the awakening was fading. Any effects not attributable to memory had faded completely within eighteen hours.
It was a let down at first to realize that what I thought had been a permanent awakening turned out to be temporary. The intense acid trip had been a catalyst for a brief, though extremely powerful transcendence of my mind. I have no doubt that the brief awakening was genuine. LSD can only effect the mind and I had gone beyond my mind. It was like the high dose of LSD I’d taken acted like a rocket ship that broke me free from the gravitational pull of all of my ideas about myself and reality to temporarily wake me up before the powerful karmic pull of my habitual center of gravity in the known, in ideas and beliefs about myself and reality, pulled me back.
And then there I was believing I was ‘Chris M.’ again and huddled in the security of all his ideas about the reality around him – a reality of unfathomable mystery and wonder. But now that mysterious reality was wondered down by concepts to make the world ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ for myself.
I am deeply grateful to have had a glimpse, even for a brief period of time, of reality. LSD can show us deeper dimensions of reality. It can take us on trips to subtler levels of consciousness, and in my case, it can even catapult us beyond the mind altogether, though, almost inevitably only temporarily. Only temporarily, because whe have to go through the actual day to day practice of living to let go of all our ideas about reality and ourself to finally stand in total nakedness and vulnerability and humility in the knowledge that who we are and what reality is will always ever be a mystery.
12 The Universal Consciousness of Mind and God LSD by Faeden
[…] One of the only things I did not like in this new found peace, was the frustration I had when I would get these huge bursts of thought to come to me, that made me think, ‘I understood the universe and everything in it.’ I had it on the tip of my tongue, and I told those around me that I knew the answer to life, and everything-ness, and they would say to me, ‘OK Barry, tell us what is the meaning to the universe,’ And I just could not spit it out, I could not get the words out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried, but I swear blind some how I knew it, and it was the most frustrating thing I have ever felt to this day. It was like one side of me understood the secrets of the universe, but the other side could not comprehend it.
13 White Ball o’ Light LSD by Chretian
[…]So naturally, I decided to close my eyes, try and shut off all external senses I suppose, and just as soon as I had closed my eyes, kaboom! A white ball of light comes bursting through the door. I wasn’t sure if my eyes were open or closed at this point. It immediately said, ‘What are you going to do? I could squash you like a bug!’.
Without even thinking, my mind went to ‘Control the situation’. That’s what I’m gonna do! Haha, the white ball laughed, you know that’s not possible! and I did, I knew I was no competition for controling this white ball and this situation I was in. So naturally, my mind being dualistic and all, I went to surrender. I normally wouldn’t surrender to anything, but then after all, there was this white ball of light telling me it could squash me like a bug. It said that surrendering wasn’t an option either, for I was not-less-than it, and nor was I more than it. At this point I was outta options, I saw no alternatives other then to control or surrender, such a dichotomy.
It said I have 1 option, I could ‘flow’ with it, precisely because I wasn’t more-than or less-than it. It was utterly profound to me. So I flowed, but it certainly wasn’t pleasurable. I saw a metallic-looking cylinder, it was both in my head and at the same time between me and the white ball in the room, they were one and the same. The white ball started spinning around the cylinder, up and down, around and around. It urged me to join it. I didn’t feel forced but I certainly felt pressured, plus I was in no state of mind to be making any decisions.
I joined it and I saw myself as another white ball. I slowly started circling around this cylinder. The speed grew and with it intensity. I couldn’t handle it, it was just too intense. It would encourage me to join it again, and then it would grow in intensity until I would jump off. I begged for mercy. I started to think that I really went off the deep end this time and there was no coming back. The on and off the cylinder thing repeated often. It gots to points where I actually felt physical pain, not to mention the mental pain. It was the most painful experience I’ve had, hands down. But I also felt I had to.
And then finally, during the most intense mental and physical pain, the 2 lights joined and the whole cylinder lit up as a white cylinder of light. And then the cylinder disappeared and it was back to just me and the white ball. Things get vague here, but it’s with the feeling that I had intense teachings. Mostly lessons on duality and relativity, the changing variables dependent on what perspective your looking from.
I’ll mention again that I was still begging for it to leave me alone and go away. The intensity was overwhelming but apparently still mentally and physically bearable. My brain felt overloaded, I was a sponge begging for mercy. And just like that it said it was done and I could now ask any question I like. I felt so innocent, so simple, and the only question that came up was, ‘What’s the point of my life?’, which also contained, why am I here, what’s my purpose, etc. They were all the same question, the same concept, multifaceted.
It showed me an old wooden wagon wheel with a wooden arrow attached to it. It started to slowly spin, and then it stopped. Ahh, I thought, that’s the point of life. But then it said hold on, and the wheel started turning again. And it stopped. Confused, I thought, those are the points of life. And then once again, the white ball of light said hold on, and then wheel started turning once again. Faster until it stopped at another point, then faster and faster until another point. Until it was stopping at every point possible. And then it went 3rd dimensional, stopping at all possible points. And then the ball said, ‘But don’t believe me, I am the trickster, you owe it to the truth to prove it to yourself’. Then it flew out the door and disappeared.
HPPD: A Form of Selective Attention? LSD, Mushrooms & Cannabis by CidKID
I believe the use of psychedelics causes new forms of learning in your brain, somewhat associated with a kind of trance state. In order to intensify psychedelic experiences, I become attentive. There is something fundamental about the trance state that I must emphasize. I believe that once experienced under psychedelics, various aspects of the state can be reexperienced, much like a memory. Christ, it doesn’t take drugs to create memories that create images that haunt you the rest of your life. I’ve never been witness to an atrocity, but the impact they have on survivors are tremendous. The fundamental thing is that it is the outlook individuals possess after the fact that is the most important. I believe some forms of HPPD are linked to many kinds of self-generated psychological concepts involving some very critical philosophical and spiritual issues concerning reality. In short, I believe LSD use causes selective attentive processes to change. […]
Even at my highest acid dose, I could eliminate or induce hallucinations more or less at my whim. As far as anxiety and LSD, I believe they are somehow subconsciously linked in some weird schemata containing perceived morality and authority, but I’m into Freud
Hallucinating But Not Tripping (HPPD) LSD & Various by TooLate
But I do want to point something out for all those who suffer from HHPD. I do not think its right to say we are always tripping. Tripping is a state of mind which involves hallucinating. I am not tripping. I can think and act normally. I do not have insanely intense random thoughts and I am able to concentrate. I do not have escapes from reality where I cannot tell what is real. I do not think of HPPD as a flashback because I never feel like I am tripping, but I am continually 24/7 hallucinating – albeit slightly – similar to the effects of a mild acid trip. But I do have a significant visual impairment.
31 It struck me that existence is a phenomenal work in complete stillness and silence, but given the ooportunity of a body and consciousness, what is there to do? ARTISTRY! CREATE! ADD YOUR FLAVOUR TO THE MIX! If you are going to take a step, do it with panache, or style or humour, or discordant aplomb, but do it and be aware of its ARTISTRY…All of your life is a work of art, so treat it thus..tying your shoe, taking a drink, peeling an orange, driving a car, you are creating an echo which will bound through eternity, so for all of our sakes, do it the way you want…and that may as well be fun, funny and beautiful…
After this, a group of maybe three Brazilian girls sang a more upbeat, joyous song, and some shakers once more started to join the fray…It was amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you…What a fantastic noise in this abyssal silence without it…I clasped my hands in a traditional prayer shape and nodded my head, smiling like a Cheshire Cat….Once again, I am (or was) not a religious, as in traditional religious, type at all, but all I could do was…well, praise Creation, no other words for it…
I was struck by the notion that ordinarily, our experience is lived as memory, we experience the world through a fixed delay after perception and the labelling and sorting and remebering of it, but that Ayahuasca ‘hits the accelerator’ to bring you up to speed with existence, or Creation…right in the NOW…
.Again, I was struck by how this was expressing some feature of Universal Mind which so wanted to be understood…
During this phase, my entire body went through some incredible rituals, I found my various muscle groups performing rpetitive exercises, very SUBTLE, and observed with interest…It was not manic, like amphetamine, and could be ceased, but I ‘knew’ I should see each one through…The instruction manual again, only physical this time….It carried on right into the night, even as I lay down to sleep, diminishing gradually but remaining….The next day, I awoke (after sleeping in a hammock!) to find that I felt as if I had had a coplete masssage, physical, osteopathic treatment, all my bones were ‘reset’ I was limber, full of vim and felt incredibly fluid and loose. The Daime had activated a brain stem which ran a complete diagnostic throughout my entire muscular-skeletal system and run the necessary programs to fix all the bugs and clean up the clutter. I was amazed!
My friend and I left the Daime at about 10.30 pm, having started at 12 noon…I was lucid, calm, and ready to take on the workd! I had huge energy to DO STUFF, get out and CREATE and bring all the stuff I had put ‘on a back burner’ to the hottest hob at the front! I vowed to forge ahead with a number of projects I have been toying with and ‘considering’ and have a mental clock in my head since which is never wrong…The most accurate timepiece ever made!….It reads NOW, all the time.
I am not religious at all, but was not put off by the religious overtones of much of the ceremony (it has some Catholic symbolism and Christian aspects)
If you don’t, drink it and attend, and be as surprised as I was by how thankful you can feel towards this staggering work called Creation. I have been altered forever in a fundamental and deep, deep place.
32 Less than 5 minutes after drinking our brew, J ran off to purge. We were worried that he lost it too soon. About 20 minutes later, I was already seeing pretty colored patterns on things. About 10 minutes after that, I was seeing all sorts of little visual disturbances and pretty colored patterns.
. I was getting lots of pretty closed eyed visuals and intricate colored patters all over everything. There is this weird buzzing noise all over everything.[…] my wife starts turning into an elf and I start giggling all the time.[…] The trees sprout flowers of all sorts and varieties and begin to move about in their own rhythms. The tree branches appear to be filled with little critters with big eyes, all peering at me. Patterns of colored crisscrossing lines dance down out of the sky and swirl around the rising smoke and embers.
I start rubbing and scratching my head. I don’t really remember deciding to do it, it sort of happened by itself.
I was rewarded with incredible pleasure and vibrant visions. As soon as I started to do that, I got my first entity contact. It looked like a sentient salamander about 2 feet long including a tail. It wrapped itself around my head. I could see that all the happy pleasure feelings in the nerves in my scalp were producing this energy that was dripping out of my head. This creature was flipping out, running around on my head, eating the energy, saying, “OH YEAH, OH YEAH, Oh this is good, Oh yeah, yesyesyes, OH THIS IS GOOD, UH UH OH YEAH! YUM YUM YUM.” I was startled and I stopped rubbing my head. It looked startled and ran away.
Hyperspace was, as always, a huge series of interconnected complex multicolored rooms that changed constantly filled with entities of all sorts. The entities seemed to be taking particular interest in our connected soul situation [il se sent en connection-fusion avec sa femme qui l’a rejoint sur la couverture et s’est lovée contre lui]
. They seemed to think it was quite interesting. Then, quite suddenly, they all split. They expressed something along the lines of “HE is coming!!!!!” and they all left. Then hyperspace itself came alive. The rooms became infinitely more complex and I realized that it was some sort of ultra powerful calculating machine, like a computer but fully sentient. Each facet of the wall was like a bit in a computer, but instead of being on and off, it was more like each bit has size, color, rotation, angle, hue, tint, sound and who knows what else.
Anyways, it was obvious to me that it was a huge mind and that it was looking and us. It looked deep inside our souls and at the twining of them and did some sort of detailed investigation of the situation. Then it expressed that it was very pleased with what it saw. It seemed to ask both of our souls for permission in a language that I did not consciously understand and then began wrapping it’s own love energies around our coiled souls, performing some sort of magic. As it did so, it spoke, saying, “I light of this most special and wonderful bond, and my pleasure with the destinies that could unfold, I hereby grant your wish. By the power vested in my by I now pronounce your souls wed, eternally connected in destiny.” I could tell that we had to say I do or something so I asked her soul for permission and it just squealed in joy and wrapped itself around me tighter so I reiterated my wish and we shot off together to another space. It was like we were underwater, swimming in some great dream sea, our souls intertwined. I realized that this was like a honeymoon for our souls, or at least their wedding night. It seemed like an eternity of perfect love and joy. I have no idea how long it really lasted. As I came out of it, I noticed my wife stirring and wanting to get up.
We went down to the river together. She asked me how things were going. I told her that I had been talking to aliens. She said, “I know. I felt them arrive.” I was surprised. “REALLY!?!?” I said. She explained that she had felt them arrive and that was the only way she could describe it and that it was freaking her out pretty good, seeing as she was totally sober. I told her about the experience with the soul marriage. She said that she had felt something that felt like she was being hugged by something non-physical and had noticed our extremely close connection.
[…] Lights started dancing around and the aliens started come by to talk to me. They talked to me about all sorts of things. They talked to me about their society, and as they did so, the trees across the river rearranged themselves to form pictures of whatever they were talking about. They talked to me about my spiritual path and what they liked about it. The seemed to think that I was totally a beginner as far as they were concerned but going in a good direction. They talked to me about why humans can’t use their built in telepathy most of the time. Apparently anger, fear, stress, hate, and almost every single defense patterns that we use block that system. This is why we need to become self-actualized, they said. Only then can we really start to get anywhere.
I was about to head back to the fire to rejoin the group, when I realized that I should show some appreciation for the wondrous gift that this dream has been. I felt this strong desire for prayer. I closed my eyes to begin and I became an expression of thankfulness. First I was thankful for my experiences of the evening. Then I was thankful for the wonderfulness of trees and rocks and mountains and rivers. I Became overwhelmed by the emotion of it as I became aware of every memory that I had of ever appreciating a tree or rock or mountain or river in my life. I became so full of thankfulness that I began to weep by the riverside. Then, a warm, loving presence came flowing into me and my tears turned to giggling laughter. The divine presence within directed my thankfulness and my awareness to my body. It told me that my body was the greatest gift I had ever been given and showed me why it is the most amazing machine I could imagine. The divine presence seemed to think that perhaps I had not been taking very good care of my gift.
I have been working very hard at yoga and martial arts for the last year, trying to get into good shape. The divine presence was pleased with me for trying so hard but still felt that I could be keeping my gift if far better condition than I was. It told me that I was in nowhere near good enough condition for it to show me any of the really interesting visions that it would like me to see and to work on it. It expressed that it felt that letting this gift get out of perfect condition was extremely disrespectful and ungrateful and that people should really have much more respect for themselves than that and a greater sense of thankfulness for what they have than that. It said that it is like they have been given a custom built precision racing car of the highest order, a true work of art and they have run it for 30000 miles without an oil change, driven it through rivers and mud pits, let it rust and break down until it can barely handle driving on a residential street. The giver of the gift would be understandably miffed at the lack of care that his beautiful gift had been given. Then it sent me love and an understanding that it said would unfold over the course of the evening and then it left and I went back to my group.
I just said hi to everyone briefly and went to do yoga by the fire. After all, divinity seemed to think that I need to work harder. I started out in a deep horse stance, doing chi breathing exercises. It was very intense and wonderful. I could literally see and feel the life force flowing out of the trees and moving around me. With each in breath, I saw and felt in flow into my body and cycle around. Then I started moving, flowing fluidly through the asana. Doing the yoga was a pure joy. Then it evolved into a new yoga. Between each pose, I would move through a series of martial arts moves and then settle into the new asana. Never before have I ever performed nearly so well. Each kick was precise in its placement, each asana deep in its stretch and with far better alignment that I have ever achieved before.
This is where the understanding ball that the divine presence gave me starts to unfold. First of all, something else starts showing me where to go next. I start seeing ghostly images of my own body moving into the position that I am to assume next and I follow. If it is a kick or something like that then I am rewarded if I hit my target with flashy lights. Anyways, following this, I move into an intricate dance of yoga, dance, and martial arts. It all flows together and it feel wonderful. Meanwhile, understandings are unfolding in my head all about why the human body is so great, why it is so important to keep it in optimal running condition, and things like that. There is also all this information unfolding about the moves of this dance of martial arts, dance and yoga that I am doing. It seems to me that I am expected to figure out how to perfect this sort of activity, as it is the best way for me to keep myself tuned up to divinity’s specifications. The dance itself becomes a form of meditation, a moving prayer and it keeps getting deeper and deeper as I go. Regularly, I do have to stop to catch my breath as it is VERY hard work. As soon as my breathing slows a little I am directed to go back to it and I do. Eventually, my lesson is over and I am exhausted.
At some point, I realize that I need to be alone and I run off to my tent. This is the healing portion of my dream. Further understandings from the divine presence begin unfolding again. I am shown that because I let my body get so out of tune, that it has become like an old brittle piece of leather. Said old brittle piece of leather can be brought back to life with care, oiling it and working it until it softens up again. Well, the yoga/martial arts dance thing worked it out and now I am expected to oil and clean up after than. I am shown where things are wrong through my body and powerful energy rushes through my body and I place my hands on the places that need it and the energy flows from my hands and brings warmth and relaxation. After a period of healing work, I relax again.
They aya is still not done with me. The buzzing carrier wave that has been with me all night comes to the forefront of my consciousness and seems to hook into something. When it does so, my thoughts speed up, to catch up with the wave. My accelerated thoughts are driven and directed to look over my life, the current state of my progress down my path, and innumerable other things that it thought I should look at. All the while, further unfolding of the info packet from the divine presence keep bubbling up and helping to clarify that which I am thinking about. I won’t go into it here but it was all very beneficial to me and I feel a lot happier because of it all.
33 she said that she felt like the trees were walking with us or we were making the world move while we were staying still. This instantly reminded of Ken Wilber’s description of One Taste while running, which seemed to give E a sense of validity to her experience.
34 We tested some of the DMT (Mimosa Hostilis Root Bark Extractions) and harmala with a group and have started to come to some conclusions about dose and timing. Harmala was extracted from Syrian Rue. Both extracts were encapsulated before use.
Intense: Nausea usually present. Unable to walk. Intense CEV’s Out of Body for most of trip. Insights and cosmic potentials arrive. Unity with the Divine. Enveloped in Divine Love. Conversations with God. Consciousness penetrates whatever it is directed to. Telepathy and Clarivoyance are present and immediate. Approach this state w/ caution if you do not have a background in meditation, self examination or prior mystical experiences. If you do not understand the distinction between the unreality of your thoughts and suffering, and your pristine enlightened consciousness, you should probably discover that before you have your hands full here.
35 The dreamy feeling increased. Soon everything had trails around it. I looked down as I walked and moved my feet and the image of where my shoe was before moving it remained. It was the same with my hands, which I excitedly shook around. [….]
I started to close my eyes as we walked and I began seeing close-eyed visuals. They were of Aztec-like patterns but still remained somewhat faint. [….]
The close-eyed visuals were very overpowering at this point. They were now of Mayan-like green mazes with thousands of tiny pink lines circumnavigating them. It was amazing. One thing that I noticed during this is that I CONSTANTLY yawned. [comme avec les psilos…] I yawned every few minutes. It was as though my body was preparing me to dream.[….]
I felt this immense alone feeling. I felt a realization come over me that humans are absolutely alone in the universe and that there is nothing that anyone can do about this. I had visuals of men looking to the empty night sky.[….]
We kept discussing what everything is and it felt as though I became this energy that replaced my human self. I became horrified that I would never be sane or human again and that I was stuck being the energy of Ayahuasca playing itself out for all of eternity. This was very scary but I held it together. [….]
It is just so vastly overwhelming and you view everything from a perspective that you didn’t even know had existed. D and I seemed to turn into one collective energy source at one point. […]
Every physical part of my body felt very foreign. I forgot how to be a human, it seemed. The saliva going down my throat, my skin that I kept feeling, the simple movements of my hands. It was amazing and a complete and total loss of ego. At one point I had to piss and D suggested that I go to the outside of the house since going to the upstairs bathroom would surely wake somebody up. I complied and REALLY struggled to get outside. Finally I made it and I thought for awhile to remember how to urinate. As I pissed, the most amazing part of the journey occured. EVERYTHING vanished while I stood there and I became a body floating in a space filled with stars. This lasted only a few moments but was truly unbelievable.
36 As I began to go, I went to the bathroom and had a revelation about a friend, about why we clash so much, why I feel rejected by him at times. He really rejects ‘female vapors’ and is quite rude. I don’t know if I can truly reach him, but the Ayahuasca showed me some new angles to the problem, very clearly. I was profoundly grateful and thanked it repeatedly. [….]
I felt like we were all going together, a hive mind, our walls melted and the contents of our minds and souls poured together. [….]. I realized that I loved them all [….]and I was very aware of my love for them, and I felt in all of us some common cause, a genuine desire to see the world become a better place.[….] I began to receive a montage of images, I saw myself thrown out of my apartment onto the street, no job, no more credit with the landlord, I saw that as much as he likes me the building manager would do it with no qualms. I saw the friends I have lost, I saw them all and thought clearly of their sad faces at my funeral after I die on the streets. I began to ask myself if Claude ever raped me and faced fully the fact that he wanted to. I was enraged and sickened to realize that a man I thought of as a father figure had thought of me as something to use for his pleasure, and I decided that if I ever see him again, I will kill him so that he can’t walk the earth with that poison in him and maybe lose control and hurt someone precious someday.
I experienced the pain of all the victims of the world over the ages, the slave cut up by an overseer’s whip, all the women raped, everyone killed, beaten, burned, savaged, men raped, animals and humans and the earth itself tortured. I saw flashes from the Invisibles, the twisted masters that would control everything.
I began to scream internally as the cosmos shattered my mind. I began to cry out loud, ‘WHY? WHY? WHY? WHAT ARE WE?’ The litany went on inside me as gorgeous, shimmering rainbow visuals unfolded and unfolded and I was trapped as myself, trapped with all of the universe unfolding inside of my fragile mind. I saw A and somehow sensed others and we were laughing and crying, yes it is a colossal joke, we have destroyed ourselves, the human race is destroying itself along with the planet and we’ll turn to the stars next if we advance the technology far enough, we’ll spread across the cosmos raping and pillaging as we go. Why do these chemicals open these doors in our minds? What is beyond life? Beyond death? Who is out there?
I begged for death, I saw Jesse slitting my throat and wished for it with all my might, wanting to be free of the horrors pouring through me. And… I saw beyond it all, saw something and wondered again, what are we? A laboratory experiment gone terribly wrong? A mistake? A cosmic joke? Why do we exist? Why did the monkeys evolve into our sick, fucked up, species? We are broken at our very core.
Why do we so easily turn to violence? Why is hate and anger so much easier to embrace than love? WHY?
I died. Fully. Completely. Blackness. My life snuffed out at the hands of a million savages. I was choked and raped and cut and smothered to death. Blackness. An explosion of black and purple and then nothing.
And then….. peace. The most profound peace I have ever known. White light with rainbow hues within it embracing me, freeing me from my mortal shell. I felt wings grow from my shoulder blades and knew that the wings were a metaphor, a symbol, but that they were beautiful. And I knew that they can’t stop me. That my body can die a thousand times, but my soul is radiant, immortal. The phoenix will rise again and again, and sing and now I was singing a song of joy and hope. A was there, holding me. I saw our great inventors, I saw the beauty of the way we can love each other, the beautiful creations.
I saw Kayleigh’s story and remembered all of it and heard A say to me, ‘If you want to live in this world forever, if you want the rainbow citadels of light and thought to become real on the earth, you have to bring this back with you and tell the tale, paint it, sing it, share it with as much of humanity as you can. Share it.’
37 Members of the group reported a wide variety of experiences. Some people had visions, for others the trip mostly involved their thought processes or emotions. One person felt she was dying, surrounded by white light, her body dissolving into nothingness. Another reported feeling enlightened in the present moment, for the first time – after years of serious Zen meditation. A few people battled inner demons in one way or another. One person felt that ayahuasca was essentially an artificial alteration of his perceptions, though most people felt that ayahuasca revealed deeper truths about life. [….]
Some concepts that I had understood in an abstract way I experienced at a much deeper level. One of these concepts is impermanence. I had grasped that concept on a superficial intellectual level, but didn’t really understand it. During my first and third ayahuasca sessions, I entered into states of intense suffering that I was absolutely convinced would never end – even death would not release me. Yet those states did pass. [….]
At another point I found myself spontaneously breathing out love into the world. [….]
Ayahuasca also helped me to see that a great deal of what I experience is a projection of my mind, which interferes with my ability to see the world – inner or outer – as it is. I had read and thought about being centered and experiencing the moment as it is, without trying to grasp or resist.
38 It manifests in blue-purple neonish kind of visuals around everything. [….] The feeling of the voyage changes – there is a more ancient, sacred, ethnic feel to it, something more grounded than the acid feeling. [….]
I feel like a input processor of sorts. I process food, information, light and what not. Whilst in this state, the inputs to my system seem very obvious. Eg. food, DMT – I can feel it straight as it enters my system.
A second time, I’m totally into this ‘systems’ trip scenario. Everything is a system and the system is everything. [….] I must note that I’ve been getting entities, almost all the time. I’ve been in the company of a huge tentacled ball- it seems etched into the design of everything – like a shadow cast over my field of vision. On it’s tentacles, multicolored letters seem to appear from time to time. From time to time, on two of the tentacles, wicked eyes appear. Another interesting thing is, that in pitch black darkness, a very definite aparatus which looks like an insect vacuum cleaner of sorts, appears in front of my head – it seems attached to it, with tentacles very similiar to the tentacles of the tentacled ball, yet somehow very different – they feel like an aparatus, not like organic tentacles as is the case with the ball. They don’t seem to be very communicative [….]
Another thing to note is the audio hallucinations – they were a lil’ less active for the most, but there were a few bursts of activity, when they would make short phrases of flanged, phased rhytms. […]
I take a cup with a little water and put it in front of my eyes. In the reflections from the water and the cup, real visions appear. I see a cosmic space, filled with stars/dots – these stars make objects, like planets, bicycles and other random things. This sort of thing has never happened before. Moving the glass a little, chanting and moving my whole body helps this general synaesthesia. I feel that language/meaning, streamed from the domain of the mind into this real world just drives this thing mad – it responds presenting beauty in the form of visions/visuals.
39 noticed i felt a little floaty and was wondering around the house doing a peculiar little dance, solely out of boredom. […] i experienced a pleasure tingle/shiver rush from my head to my toes and like 4 tears forced themselves down my face. i felt silly, but my emotions were just so sensitive, and the song had such deep meaning to me. […]
definitely noticing an acid-like come on, colors becoming more vivid, thoughts beginning to race, emotions heightened as if i was on XTC. i was somewhat lonely though since i was by myself on this journey. but i was enjoying it nonetheless. i decided to smoke the salvia extract i got for free from my supplier: i loaded the pipe with a generous amount and took a hit. the first one wasn’t too intense, yet more intense with the help of the yage. the music seemed like it was part of the air, like it was something that was always heard as a normal ongoing thing. it also made me feel like it might be an auditory hallucination. like it was all in my head. i took a second hit and a weird but mild thing happened. my brain started thinking as if it was someone else controlling my thoughts and each thought lead to another thought that had nothing to with the previous thought, and it felt like my thoughts were made of physical matter, and they were simply pulsing and multiplying in sort of a ‘branching off’ concept.
i took 2 more hits, one right after another and my eyes started darting from one area of the room to another, and it wasn’t me making those decisions, they were doing it on their own. tracers were beginning to overwhelm me, and i felt like gravity was sucking me down, so i stumbled to my bed and i lay down, close my eyes and the music takes over. behind my eyelids, i could see the music as a pulsing matter threatening to engulf me. i hesitated for a second, then i willed it to swallow me, and it did just that. the pulsing matter became larger and closer and more real and then it had surrounded my entire enitity and was then squeezing me, and pulsing against my physicality and it felt as if it was digesting me because i was slowly moving downward as if traveling through an intestine. something possessed me and split my entity in half, so one half was simply laying down on the bed, catatonic, and the other half was engulfed in beautiful, physical music matter. that half became one with the music and i just flowed through the matter and indulged. i was tranced out in that state for and hour and ten minutes. the CD had ended when i came out of the trance, it was as if the music WAS the trance, and it ceased to oscilate so i ceased to trance.
i got out of bed and instantly noticed rapidly changing colors throughout my room, and peripheral hallucinations and a feeling of wholeness, as if my soul had just been cleansed thoroughly and effectively. the music purified me! i went to the mirror to take a look at my pupils and they were saucers of course!
i wondered around the house and found myself asking myself questions about my life, and i was able to answer each and every question i asked. it was as if everything made sense finally. i felt like i was on a mild candyflip, with a few extra entities present. i showed the yage spirit so much respect ever since i discovered it in literature, that in return, the spirit emitted 3 times the respect. i never purged, of course i had no toxins in my body, not even pot or alcohol, i had quit smoking pot a month prior and alcohol 4 days prior. i had been taking vitamins every day for a while too. on top of that i fasted all day before the experience. no breakfast, no lunch.
went outside and the nature of the neighborhood, trees, flowers, vines, etc, looked like works of art. the colors stood out as if the most talented artist had sculptured them with alien colors and alien material. the biggest smile on my face, on the verge of giggling out of overwhelming pleasure, i walked around the block and touched just about every piece of plantlife on the block. it was an urge that needed to be fulfilled. i felt as if the yage had entirely destroyed all negativity within me and replaced it with nothing but positivity. until about…
40 Datura made me realize that, at the best of times, we have one foot in the land of the dead and the land of the living at all times. That’s just how it is.
Ayahuasca makes me realize funny shit. Like I have about a ten second delay between thought. I can think of the most reality-shaking concept, but ten seconds later, in the midst of describing it, it is already forgotten!
41 Euphoria had set in completely. And when my mind wasn’t racing, it would stop and everything would be ‘perfect’.
42 ‘Schizophrenia is the nature of the big bang’.
‘Schizophrenia is the nature of existence’ ‘
Psychedelic drugs are the »The frequency »The nature »Of the »Big Bang’
‘The frequency of psychedelic drugs in the nature of the Big Bang’
The thought crossed my mind that we may just be multi-dimensional consciousnesses experiencing the most powerful drug in the history of the universe, known simply as human existence. That maybe the earth and space did not even matter due to the fact that time was on a repeating pattern with psychoactive molecules as our guides to serve us a reminder of where we came, or show us a bit of that world as we walked to path of evolution.
43 An inner dialogue began and at every stage, I was asked repeatedly if I wanted to ‘see’ more, of course, mentally I answered: ‘I’ll follow you wherever you wish to take me’. I saw the birth and death of entire galaxies as though they were an endless dance of spiraling flowers. An immense consciousness permeated the center of everything & I was part of it. Rather like an individual filament of light encoded consciousness whose single strand continued and was all strands. I was dead and this was the samadhi I had read about. And the universe was inside and yet, I could feel the floor and hear the other people moving and having their own experiences. Everything was so painfully beautiful that I wept in love and then I perceived the words ‘manifest me in love, daughter’. I swam in that all encompassing ocean of love until I could hardly contain it all and when I was sure I couldn’t take it all in, I’d use what chi expanding techniques I know. There seemed to be no end to the depths of consciousness, only to my capacity to share and perceive.
The end was as gradual as the beginning, that expanded intelligence retreated step by step and at each level, it reassured me that it was still present. The connection is always present, we are usually just too distracted to notice….
44 The breath is who you are — consciousness = inhalation = ingestion = active will = receptivity = acceptance AND exhalation = release = receptivity = expelling = active will = speaking = purging
45 There were 3 types of emotion: terror, euphoria, and the baseline emotion which was like full awareness of the only important universe –
46 I also saw that healing and growth are ongoing processes, never finished.
I had this idea of drugs as molecular language. As I was thinking about this, the phrase ‘Mushrooms are a dialect of DMT’ popped into my head. I saw the tryptamine family like a language family, with DMT as the prototype language, and the rest as descended from it.
47 I was ‘told’ that all human life on earth was merely a long-term genetic experiment by extraplanetary life-forms alien to us, and that our very existence was owed to them, although it was in their program not to have us realize this. I had been chosen to be allowed to know the incredible secret to human existence: that these aliens had taken their own genetic material and hybridized it with primates found on the planet at the time of their arrival millions of years ago (only a short time in their scale), resulting in we ‘humans.’ All human ideology about religion, God, self-determination, and most of all, our perception that *we* are the only ones in control of what happens on this planet, were shown to me to be a total joke, a delusion that we create ourselves. The tendency to see ‘Gods’ as essentially human models (Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, etc.) was shown to me to be all part of their plan.
48 From this point so many things happened, if I had to describe this substance in one word it most defiantly would have to be ‘unexpected’. At certain points I felt the strong presence of spirits passing through my room and at some points caught a glimpse of them. A thought I had at the time was that this substance was like getting free access to god’s encyclopedia, it was truly a bizarre feeling, whenever i would ask a question i would have this intense deja vu where i was already given the answer before i had thought of the question. One of the most memorable moments from the experience was the thought of this girl, i did not know her, she was somebody that I had seen many years ago at a party and glossed over like so many people we do in our daily lives. All the sudden I knew her life story, the joys, the struggles, and it wasn’t just that i knew, for a moment I was her. I even lived out one of her experiences where she was extremely upset over a problem with her boyfriend, I felt her exact feelings and the mind processes that led her to them. The experience was really indescribable.
One very notable part of the experience was when my awareness was stretched out into infinity but interestingly it only seemed to be going straight forward and straight backward. The only way that I could think to describe it is if you were playing a video game of a person playing a video game of a person playing a video game, etc. Everybody has equal parts but nobody is truly in control.
Ayahuasca: Friend or Fiend? Ayahuasca by A. DeHaviland
On the way I had some AMAZING visuals. Solid things had sparks of energy coming out of them. Especially cars.. Cars had these sparks is the best way I can describe it coming out of them. I walked also around a spiral staircase & there was energy coming out of the circle.
1 I lost all visual capabilities, but I still had a very real sense of touch. I was trapped in a small metalic box. It made perfect sense to me. I was dead. This was hell. There were no demons, no hellfire or brimstone, just a deep, complete feeling of darkness and hopelessness. This was the never-ending void. Not at all how I had imagined it, but worse than I thought that it could have been. I’ve had feelings of infinite emotion on acid trips and sensations of universal truth in K-holes, but this was the most profound reality I had ever experienced. My whole existence was put into perspective, and I was being punished for wasting the gift of life.
2 The feminine aspect of all things has become a most fascinating and revered part of my life. The mystery has returned.
3 I started to think the solution was poisonous, but I woke up and went to the bathroom to relax a bit. Pain in the right arm dissapeared as i looked at myself in front of the mirror. I knew it was me at the mirror, but I felt like if that guy wasnt me… like if it was a different person, with different feelings that was looking at me. I laughed at that feeling but the reflection didn’t…I got close to the mirror, but the reflection didnt move a single cm. […]
Next morning i woke up I went to the bathroom and saw me at the mirror.. The reflection was normal, except for one thing… It´s eyes were closed. Then I moved and it moved too… even it felt normal, but the eyes… closed eyes… DAMN!!!
I touched my eyes, and they were closed too!!! The reflection wasn’t wrong! I could see even if my eyes were closed!!!… This felt so real!!!… so real!!! I could walk, sit, watch tv, everything as if my eyes where open…
4 I went to take a shower, and when I got my clothes off, I noticed I had no sexual organs at all. […]
Time started to slow down, slower and slower, until it eventually stopped. Everything around me was suspended in time. My cat was frozen, my totem pole who was talking to me just a minute ago, was now frozen in time with his mouth open in mid-scentence. This was very strange. Eventually, time came back. Remember, it all seemed very natural at the time. Beth had come over to check on me. We were sitting there talking for hours, and as we talked, I slowly began to come down. Thephone rang and I went to pick it up, it was Beth! How was this possible. I looked over at the Beth on my bed, and she began to fade into nothing, waving at me as she went. This was the last major hallucination that I had on the Datura.
5 At one point though I was taking a stronger dose then I usualy did, and i was talking to this man (he wasn’t real, I just knew it) and i had figured out that I could stick my hands though anyone who wasn’t real, and this man put down the pipe that he was smoking on my bed stand and said to me ‘so you know that i am not real?’ and i turned to him and nodded, then he reached over and stuck his hand right through me. this completly destroyed all sense i had of reality at that point and i spent the next two days sure of that fact that i was the only not real person out there. […]
I heard a voice in my ear whispering something. I could not understand it at first then it came to me. ‘Throw Up!’ it started shouting. it was this horrible womanly voice. ‘Death….’
6 Datura, Jimson Weed, Devil’s Weed – a powerful substance that no person should ever have to harness mentally. It will punish you feverently and without sympathy for treading into its territory. It will laugh as it blends the terrors of your imagination with your everyday life. It is complete delerium. A momentary detachment from all that is real and true (at least how we perceive such things). If you’re able to stay concious and remember the experience, you will not be able to distinguish between your fabricated projections and the solid world that dominates our every day lives. It is brutal enlightenment.
7 When he gives me a handmirror I cant see a thing. And say it isnt a mirror, just a dumb piece of plastic, he says its my girlfriends compact she had left it behind. I say I dont have a girlfriend. (if you ever read this G, i love you)
I took it along with 3 friends in Israel. It was BY FAR the strangest event in our lives. We ALL saw the same hallucinations (if they were). First, I noticed we had speech imparement. Then the ‘rules’ of reality changed. They all started getting wander lust. As the girls got up to just ‘walk’ I would guide them back to our camp spot. The other guy was litterally running around in a circle on the beach making a yin yang in the sand. Then he was crawling on his belly. I felt and overwhelming urge to sleep but I was worried about the girls. I was a bit bored so I started flipping a coin. The fucking coin disappeared in mid air and the three of us all saw it happen (at eye level). I looked around where it could have possibly landed…it was gone. So I repeated. THE SAME THING HAPPENED! The girls started applauding think I was doing a magic trick. I just thought, ‘Oh shit…this is going to be one serious trip!’ I tried to smoke my cigareets but I couldn’t get them to my mouth. I would try a couple time and they would disappear. The girls would clap once again thinking I was doing a magic trick. I finally had to use my free arm as a sort of guide to get the cigarette to mouth. Otherwise, the best way i could describe it was as if my head wasn’t solid.
It was to be the most freakish night of our lives. I passed out for a half an hour I think. When I woke up, all three of them were gone. I fought the urge to wander and stayed with our stuff. I couldn’t read my watch (blurred vision) and I couldn’t piss (felt like a burning urinary tract infection). I was thirsty as hell but forced myself to take sips from my canteen (which lke the cig, I had to guide to my mouth). Now here is the really bizarre part. I saw these ‘nature people’ everywhere AND they saw me. Some of them communicated with me without speaking. Others scared the shit out of me. They were deformed like burnt people. I thought a mental hospital was allowing their deformed freakish lunatics wander the beach before sunrise before the tourists and regular folks showed up. Of the two types of beings, I had the impression one was good and the other was malevolent. They could disappear instantly if you looked away.
Throughout the night I was visited PHYSICALLY, IN FRONT OF ME, by my friends. They all had various things to say like, ‘Where are the keys to the room?’ (we didn’t have a room and the conversations and inquiries were totally illogical) etc. When I looked away they would also disappear. In the morning they came back, minus the guy. He came back that next evening. They all reported the smae things. Normal people disappeared and we were in a world of these nature things/people whose pass time was playing hide and seek. Cars were gone and the city streets were empty. We all had conversations with each other and could recall them BUT it appeared we were physically at the other persons location THOUGH WE WERE MILES FROM EACH OTHER. The guy ended up RUNNING DOWN A HIGHWAY that contained no cars (impossible) and sat on a doorstep in a town miles away from the city we were in.
A woman came to the door and recognized him from a picture. She invited him in and introduced herself as his mothers second cousin. HE HAD NO IDEA where she lived, who she was, and where he was. She showed him the picture of her and his mother and his picture that was sent to years before and allowed him to call home. She then drove him back to where we were. We don’t know what happened that night except 1) we all had the same hallucinations 2) we all interacted with each other throughout the night (though we were apart) 3) we all believe we visited some other place…dimension..whatever. I’ll tell you something… CAUTION…there are totally new rules there and it seems like it can be a dangerous place. Oh yeah, all of our watches had lost about an hour (varied). I wouldn’t fuck with this stuff. Maybe 5000 years ago, or when people respected this kind of thing it would be a different story. That time is long gone.
9 I don´t know if it´s caused by mandragora or datura or brugmansia or other plants I´ve taken but my daily life has changed dramatically. I hear voices (schitzophrenia?), I see visions. I have this thing I call mental television, like an inner eye. The voices are more like thoughts that are not mine than sounds, I see they come from another source though my feelings mold them. I can stop them at will, but sometimes they´re like raging demons and make me very uneasy. If I listen very hard (with my inner ear), I start to hear people talking (spirits?). Sometimes voices around me like my steps seem to talk. Am I a sorcerer? A madman? Some of you who know may think I´m an idiot, some others who don´t might be envious, don´t! There´s another world beside ours, but I´ve seen they don´t always go hand in hand. Those ‘voices’ for example, they lie! I´m used to this, but it´s still confusing. One needs the spirit of a warrior to get by amids of all this, never give up!
MESCALINE (PEYOTE) :
1 The detail of the external world on mescaline is unmatched. It doesn’t create visual hallucinations the way that LSD does. It, rather, enhances one’s ability to perceive the world visually. […]
My mind began to merge with the universe around me and I experienced a joy unknown to most people in the world. As I opened my eyes and came back, I felt such compassion and sadness watching the people around me writhing in the delusion of their own isolated existence. If they could only see the world the way I do for a second they would not live like they do! How could they not know how significant and insignificant they were? Alas, I am here in this world to better myself and do what I can to bring happiness to those around me, and I went about that task for the rest of the day. I saw myself as a nobody. Why should my feelings and desires matter more than anyone else’s? I am fully willing to let the world trample on me so long as something good comes out of it. It’s amazing what ability I now have to make people happy.
Something clicked that day and stuck with me. I called my mom the day afterwards and we had the best conversation we’ve had in years. I can’t wait to be a physician; my love of people is increasing every day. During the trip, I was approached by two or three people preaching the love of Jesus, handing out fliers while saying “Jesus loves you, man.” Any other time, I would have refused the flier and ignored them. With the doors of my mind swung open, though, I accepted their love and reflected it back a hundred fold. I used to think of myself a Hindu, but that has no meaning now. I may as well be a Christian. What does it matter, the garment I wear and slogan I sling, when we all return in the end from whence we came?
When I closed my eyes again I tried another experiment: testing my memory. How vivid it was! I could remember so many experiences in my life that were previously inaccessible to me. What was amazing about mescaline is that it not only brings out detail in current experiences but also past ones! I was remembering my friends’ faces and I could see them in as much detail as if there were in front of me. I remember all the little mannerisms and features of almost everyone in my life. What’s amazing is that I was noticing, in retrospect, aspects of their behavior and their looks that I didn’t notice the first time around. It seems true that the mind records everything and leaves it ready for retrieval and analysis later. I’ve always known what an amazing memory I have, but I’m certain that anyone is capable of this. […]
It was all a matter of how much effort must be put forth. I vowed never to use the words “I can’t” any more and decided to stop complaining about things. […]
It’s amazing to me how many things that we personally are responsible for, and yet we always find a way to place the blame elsewhere. My knee hurts so I can’t play as well today; it’s too hot for me to walk outside; I can’t eat tomatoes because they make me sick; I could never fast for a day; blah, blah, blah. People need to take control of their lives. The locus of control for 99% of life is within the individual and not elsewhere. This flies in the face of contemporary psychological thought but it really is a truth, even if buried deep within us.[…]
The sensory experience of eating was remarkable. Flavors have so much depth and detail to them and are packed with potent association with memories. The sense of touch was enhanced along with all others. […]
Although the sensations and act of sex would have been extremely pleasurable, the desire for sex was not enhanced in the slightest. How could it have been? My mind was pure and free from such desires. There was so much more to the world than a passing sexual encounter.
One has to live his message for the world, not preach it. All it takes is a little practice.
2 ‘If you could find God, would you go to him?’ I asked.
‘If God were real, then I would. But we’re all just pawns on a checkerboard that keeps being reset. When you die, you’re reincarnated…so where’s God?’ […]
Timothy Leary preached that huddling was as old as people…he was right. […]
we are all one…moving on the thread like a needle. We could pierce the cloth of reality, but we might be perceived as obscene. Our actions were obscene, our thoughts, our movements, our very core self was obscene. Until we found unity in the clear light, we were all just obscene.
3 There was a strong emphasis of patterns in nature. The geometry of tree branches (still bare from winter) took on a kind of divine intricacy. The texture of rocks and boulders, clouds, even the naturally occurring arrangements of stray clumps of grass had an extra mathematical quality, fascinating to see. The patterns of stripes on animals (pet dogs, squirrels, birds) seemed clearly an extension of this ruled-based patterning that governs the plant kingdom. Finally people seemed to be included in this overarching scheme of formal structure and ornamentation. A man playing volleyball with his shirt off revealed a hairy chest with an almost zebra-like look to it. It was strikingly and immediately obvious how much humans are also animals, a product of this natural sphere. Though I am no big environmentalist, it insipred a greater degree of wonder and respect for the world.
4 I can’t keep my eyes open at this point as I can’t keep my eyes in one place they start moving a lot […]
Suddenly I start to go into some deep dream states, it’s as if I’m having lucid dreams, they last very short seconds maybe just a second but a lot happens. I start seeing other people’s thoughts expressed to me in the form of dreams, I see intricate details of people, things that they only know. I start hearing people talk to me in the dreams. I start flying to the universe and I see bright bright colors now, the designs move slowly and not fast contantly changing like mushrooms do to me. I see colored lights pass over me as if I’m flying in the universe filled with bright stars. I suddenly find myself in a world where everything is crystal, and I see holy beings that look like Hopi Kachinas and a mixture of Northwestern totem poles a long with a japanese feel. I start to receive info about my life and how to become a better person, I learn ways on how to be in life, humble, loving. How to pray better, how to heal, how to find a better job, right decisions. I moved around into different worlds and different thoughts.
5 I then saw, the constant movement of the universe and a web this interconnects us to every object, every prayer and every feeling idea. I was able to see the many spirits that are in our lives at every time I even saw the Web/internet being another example of this web
6 No longer did I see objects as a whole, but realised that they were made up of millions and millions of smaller particles (cells or atoms perhaps), these particles were interwoven to create the whole. […]
All of a sudden I woke up with the distinct feeling that I was in at least five different bodies all at the same time. I am unsure if these bodies were all mine or whether I had taken possession of them, but each one was doing something totally different. One was digging in a garden, one was flying a plane, and one was sitting up in bed wondering what the hell was going on, the thing was that all of them were fully awake. Somehow the Mescaline had caused me to become ‘one’ with various people and objects, this gave me a feeling that everything in existence is connected. […]
7 Life is caressing the shadows and working its way into the light, bumping into each other and dancing to the music.
8 I found it particuarly interesting the way in which the essence of your state of mind become your surroundings, that is, I was my immediate environment, as mentioned earlier with the sky. I believe there is great depth to the relationship between internal and external environments, in terms of weather, emotion..it is all interrelated. My experience with the mescaline was a practical experiment in exercising this theory I now realise.
9 Then automatically, as if by instinct, I began to manipulate my eye muscles in a manner very similar to the technique used to view those “magic eye” 3-D images, where you un-focus your eyes and attempt to look through the gibberish image to see the real picture. When I did this, the curlicues suddenly sprang into strong three-dimensional relief, and were revealed to be translucent, iridescent tentacles or tendrils of some sort that looked like they were formed out of ectoplasm. The room was electric with a sense of presence, and I followed the line of these tendrils away from my hand to their source. I was utterly unprepared for what I saw when I did so…
Floating in the corner of my room was an enormous, shimmering, translucent, opalescent, octopoid/jellyfish-like creature from which the tentacles protruded! My initial reaction was one of disbelief mixed with a substantial degree of fear. However, the thing immediately began to caress me with its tendrils as if to reassure me, and my apprehension completely melted away. Amazingly, I actually perceived a gentle, soothing pressure against my skin as it caressed me like a child! As it touched me I felt its consciousness partially merge with mine, and I was then flooded with a sense of love unlike anything I have ever experienced before or even imagined to be possible. Comparing any experience of transcendence that I had previously had to this is like trying to compare a candle to the sun. I had the sense that this was a guardian angel or something similar who was always with me, watching over me, and it was absolutely overjoyed that I could finally perceive and communicate with it directly. I was so moved by this that I wept openly with joy for a large portion of the time. I lay there soaking up its affection for nearly half an hour before it eventually vanished. The trip began to gradually, gently decline shortly afterwards.
10 My closed-eye visuals were getting extremely intense.
While I had only been ‘out of it’ for 5 minutes to everyone else, my [soul, mind, spirit, etc.] had spent an unquantifiable amount of time exploring the other universes that exist outside this physical realm. Long enough for me even to forget my identity, or at least my human identity. While my soul wandered I had a very distinct sense of self, but my self was not necessarily ‘Bill.’
11 (avec 300 mg) I was quite restless. But I spent most of the day in considerable agony, attempting to break through without success. I learned a great deal about myself and my inner workings. Everything almost was, but in the final analysis, wasn’t. I began to become aware of a point, a brilliant white light, that seemed to be where God was entering, and it was inconceivably wonderful to perceive it and to be close to it. One wished for it to approach with all one’s heart. I could see that people would sit and meditate for hours on end just in the hope that this little bit of light would contact them. I begged for it to continue and come closer but it did not. […]
The world was so far away from God, and nothing was more important than getting back in touch with Him. […]
Many similar scenes of joy and despair kept me in balance.
12 (avec 350 mg) Once I got through the nausea stage, I ventured out-of-doors and I was aware of an intensification of color and a considerable change in the texture of the cloth of my skirt and in the concrete of the sidewalk, and in the flowers and leaves that were handed me by an observer. I experienced the desire to laugh hysterically at what I could only describe as the completely ridiculous state of the entire world. Although I was afraid of motion, I was persuaded to take a ride in a car. The driver turned on the radio and suddenly the music ‘The March of the Siamese Children’ from ‘The King and I’ became the most perfect background music for the parody of real life which was indeed the normal activity of Telegraph Avenue on any Saturday morning. The perfectly ordinary people on their perfectly ordinary errands were clearly the most cleverly contrived set of characters all performing all manners of eccentric activities for our particular hilarity and enjoyment. I felt that I was at the same time both observing and performing in an outrageous moving picture. I experienced one moment of transcendant happiness when, while passing Epworth Hall, I looked out of the window of the car and up at the building and I was suddenly in Italy looking up at a gay apartment building with its shutters flung open in sunshine, and with its window boxes with flowers. We stopped at a spot overlooking the bay, but I found the view uninteresting and the sun uncomfortable. I sat there on the seat of the car looking down at the ground, and the earth became a mosaic of beautiful stones which had been placed in an intricate design which soon all began to move in a serpentine manner. Then I became aware that I was looking at the skin of a beautiful snake–all the ground around me was this same huge creature and we were all standing on the back of this gigantic and beautiful reptile. The experience was very pleasing and I felt no revulsion. Just then, another automobile stopped to look at the view and I experienced my first real feeling of persecution and I wanted very much to leave.
13 (avec 400 mg) During the initial phase of the intoxication (between 2 and 3 hours) everything seemed to have a humorous interpretation. People’s faces are in caricature, small cars seem to be chasing big cars, and all cars coming towards me seem to have faces. This one is a duchess moving in regal pomp, that one is a wizened old man running away from someone. A remarkable effect of this drug is the extreme empathy felt for all small things; a stone, a flower, an insect. I believe that it would be impossible to harm anything–to commit an overt harmful or painful act on anyone or anything is beyond one’s capabilities. One cannot pluck a flower–and even to walk upon a gravel path requires one to pick his footing carefully, to avoid hurting or disturbing the stones. I found the color perception to be the most striking aspect of the experience. The slightest difference of shade could be amplified to extreme contrast. Many subtle hues became phosphorescent in intensity. Saturated colors were often unchanged, but they were surrounded by cascades of new colors tumbling over the edges.
14 (avec 400 mg) It took a long time to come on and I was afraid that I had done it wrong but my concerns were soon ended. The world soon became transformed where objects glowed as if from an inner illumination and my body sprang to life. The sense of my body, being alive in my muscles and sinews, filled me with enormous joy. I watched Ermina fill to brimming with animal spirit, her features tranformed, her body cat-like in her graceful natural movement. I was stopped in my tracks. The world seemed to hold its breath as the cat changed again into the Goddess. As she shed her clothes, she shed her ego and when the dance began, Ermina was no more. There was only the dance without the slightest self-consconciousness. How can anything so beautiful be chained and changed by other’s expectations? I became aware of myself in her and as we looked deeply into one another my boundaries disappeared and I became her looking at me.
15 The Plant with the Answer Peyote by Joel
It was at this time when I fell back down into an indian-style sitting position. The intensity of the beauty grew every second. Every time I blinked, A rainbow of colors appeared. So I closed my eyes in a meditative style. This is when my vision arose. In this vision, I was standing still in a field looking straight ahead at a buffalo. It was probably 50 yards away from me. It moved forward slowly. Probably an inch every minute or so. The buffalo didnt move in position though when it came forward. It just sort of slided towards me. Now lets jump forward in time about an hour later when it is about 3 feet in front of me. The past hour I had been so ammused by the buffalo coming towards me. I was anticipating what would happen when it got to me. Nearly a thousand thoughts were running through my head at once perfectly clear. (I’m not sure exactly what they were now.) But it seemed that every thought was how excited I was to see what would happen when the buffalo reached me.
Now let’s skip to the part where the buffalo is 6 inches away from me. The anticipation then turned to fear and terror. It was coming head on towards my stomach. It wasn’t going to stop. It was probably the most terrifying feeling I have ever experienced. A few minutes later (roughly 5,000 thoughts later) It was centimeters away from my body. If this were’nt a vision my pants would have been soaked with urine. Here’s the exciting part….
The buffalo is literally touching my skin, though i feel nothing, nor do I fall back. It slowly just moves through my body. Gliding right past me (well, through me). A few minutes later, It is totally behind me, and all that I can see is the field and where it meets the horizon. Now to end this vision, nothing could have done it better then what happens next. At the start of the horizon A white light arises. Then it suddenly grows to cover up my whole screen (meaning everything I can see/ everything in front of me) And just like that, I’m out of my visionary state, back in the mountains sitting just like I was before this happened. Except, it was totally bright. That vision I had which seemed to have taken place in about 2 hours had lasted about 10. […]
He took me back to my house, where I sat for the rest of the day wondering what all of my vision meant. It surely couldn’t have happened for no reason. It had to have had a meaning. And I was going to find out what that meaning was.
6 months later I had traveled with friends up to Oklahoma next to lawton, where the Wichita Mountains lie. My friend and I were walking around. Everything was well and peaceful. Next thing we knew, a buffalo had gone wild and started running around at dangerous speeds in a psychotic manner. My friend ran off in fear for his life. But I on the other hand, was reminded of my vision on peyote. The buffalo started running towards me. In a matter of 10 seconds I had re-lived the 10 hour long experience that had occured. And something in my mind had told me not to move. When I snapped back into reality, the buffalo was standing right in front of me holding completely still. It had gone from carelessly running around to standing completely still in a matter of seconds. My friends was astonished. As was I. That is when I discovered what my vision meant. And up to this date, that is the best experience I have ever encountered. Definitely what i would call a spiritual experience
Charades and the God of Cellular Phones Mescaline by I am. Passé. (FEMALE)
rough sketch of the effects of mescaline as I experienced them: Closed eye visuals, open eye tracers, lasers, dots, gleaming and blurring of lights and images. The sensation that everything is moving in synch or breathing. Irrational (and in my case, amusing) attribution of meaning to the mundane. Radically altered depth perception. Stimulation, energy, hilarity, and euphoria. Infinite curiosity. Delusions/irrational thoughts. Intensified emotion and perception. I was generally able to allay fear and enjoy the weirdness as opposed to freaking out. I was actually confused about reality only twice, upon seeing black and red mesh, as will be discussed later. Hunger, dehydaration, intense sexual arousal upon inactivity. Anxiety as the trip fades. […]
As soon as we got home we sat for a few minutes, and I got intensely horny. I didn’t want to do anything about it with or in front of him, so this was frustrating. Very frustrating. Luckily, we left again very shortly and started walking toward the river, which made that go away. […]
We stopped at the park on our way there and sat in the shadows of the trees.
I realized at this point that I was greatly attracted to shadows and wanted to always be inside of them. We watched people walking by, and they seemed to float like fish swimming through water. […]
Moving my attention to the grass, it seemed to breathe and sway. I put my hands in it and I could feel the earth breathing. Sitting up, the grass seemed to flow like a river around us. The tree branches swayed as though performing a ballet. Everything seemed to be moving in synch. This was my favorite part of the trip. We called and ordered a pizza to be sent to the house. Then we prank called a radio station and asked them to deliver a pizza to the place with the breathing grass. I am still amused.
With nothing to distract me, it seemed my baseline mood was insanely horny and uncomfortable. I did not like this. […]
We started coming down, so we hung out in his dry, warm comfy car. I got insanely sexually aroused, once more during only minutes of inactivity. […]
Lying there made me really horny again, but I just focused on the movie. It took forever to sleep. […]
I loved this experience and would do it again. I would not want to take this drug without a lot of stimulation available. I think it is best, for me at least, to be in nature, because it will provide me with endless material to groove on. I would also either stay active or bring a sexual partner. I’m under the impression that this need is relatively unique to females. I’d like to see how sex feels under the influence of mescaline. I also think it’s a good thing to share what you are feeling and seeing with your buddy/ies as you go through this. You will enhance each other’s trip. I don’t know if everyone gets anxiety toward the end like I did, but I would be prepared for it. Also, bring food, water, and lots of hot cocoa! I loved hot cocoa while tripping!
Thought Music Mescaline HCI by Derek
Laying extremly still, so still to where the silence became deafening, I found that whatever I was thinking, could be translelated into music(synestisia?). Different thoughts made different sounds. So I decided to rapidly swich thoughts and to my exititment, I had created the most wicked creepy and long techno song in the world.
Three Minds Mushrooms & Mescaline by Xiansi Xaz
By this time, anything that came out of my mouth was not necessarily what I was thinking, as my mind had separated into three different minds. One was my own, which pretty much sat in the back and observed, one was spiritual and was taking in all the sacredness of what was around, and the other was the obnoxious inexperienced foulmouth who now had control over everything I was saying. […]
I had a feeling of serenity in my spiritual mind, confusion in my real mind, and anxiety and fear in my third mind. I don’t recall what my third mind was saying, but the others in the group say that I was talking of ‘memories, what are these? past thoughts which we dwell upon? why?’ and repeatedly shouting ‘I need to take a fucking shit. It’s pissing me off!’
At this point, with all the Canadian biting flys and other insects accumulating on my face, I experienced death and went through several stages such as decomposition, becoming earth, growth into new plants, and spiritual reincarnation in the depths of outer-space as almost a gasseous thought floating around and observing all the cycles of everything in, on or about earth. I at once understood everything. In the middle of the night I realized that I was myself again, and bluntly stated, ‘I’m done.’ to the other members of the group. They welcomed me back and I appologized for anything I may have said or done.
At least I came out of the trip a new enlightened person.
Let’s Spend a Lifetime Here Cacti – T. pachanoi by SlipKnot420
We were commenting on the strange feeling of energy that we all had. It had initially started off subtle, but was slowly gaining more and more intensity and importance. This energy was very focused as well. When I take acid I get a similar restless energy, but it is very scattered and unfocused. Acid takes me all over the place and then I end up where I started at. This was different. This energy was leading us on a direct path. It was very directed and very focused. We all knew that the mescaline was leading us somewhere. […]
A strange feeling permeated the air. I knew tonight was very special. It felt like this night had been meant to happen for a long time. Almost as if I had been waiting my entire life for this night. I knew that something incredible was on its way. […]
There were vibrant colors of blues and greens and reds fractaling out of them. As I focused on this, it became more bright and more visual, slowly unfolding. And suddenly I brought myself back down, made the visual stop, and everything was “normal”. I was somewhat confused by this. What the hell was that?? It was very weird, because the visuals became intense as I focused on it, but then when I stopped everything was back to “normal” and the weird vision that I had just experienced was nowhere to be found.
Josh started talking about how he suddenly felt like he had so much time, and it was true. I felt the same way. I had all the time in the universe. Normally I felt so rushed in my everyday life. Even during the weekends I always felt like Monday was just around the corner. But now everything seemed different. There was lots of time tonight. More than we could ever dream of. We had all the time in the universe and we could do whatever we wanted with it. It was in great abundance, almost overflowing. This feeling was very comforting to me, because I was so used to always being in a rush. […]
The trees all stood tall and proud. Every tree was making its presence noticed. I could feel the spirits of the trees all around me, communicating to me, guiding me. There was an intense energy among them, vibrating through the air. I wondered why I had never noticed this energy before. […]
We stood in the field and I felt an intense terror. It was odd because I hadn’t felt any terror during the whole mescaline experience until that moment. But something about this field definitely was not right. Bad energies, angry spirits, and violent vibrations permeated the air. […]Ben seemed pretty freaked out too, and he agreed that we should leave. Josh agreed that this field was creeping him out too. Ben later told me that the place felt like a battlefield to him, which is exactly how I felt at the time. […]So we turned around and let the mescaline lead us. I seriously felt like the trees were all whispering to me, telling us to retreat into the safety of the forest, away from the open field. We followed the energy and it led us forward into the woods and up a giant hill filled with trees. […] It was then, not even 60 seconds after we had gotten out of the field, that we turned around and looked back behind us to see a car drive down the road. There were weird lights in it, and it started to circle the field a few time. At first we just sat quietly, protected by the kind spirits of the trees as we watched the car with curiosity. But then we noticed something else. It wasn’t an ordinary car driving around down there, it was a forest preserve cop! If we hadn’t all suddenly gotten those bad vibrations, if we hadn’t left the field right when we did, we would have all gotten caught being in the park after dusk, while high on mescaline.
So we just laid down and watched the car drive around the field a few times. The spirits were telling us not to move, to just stay where we were for now, and that we would be okay. My balance felt quite odd at this point and lying down on the hill was comforting. I looked up above and stared at the intricate and complex designs of the leaves. I could focus on something and let the visuals slowly build up, and then stop it and bring myself totally down again. It was nothing like acid or mushrooms. […]The mescaline was definitely leading us somewhere, on some journey. And after being led to safety away from the cop, I had complete trust in the mescaline. It definitely felt like the Gods were watching over us that night. I knew I just had to pay attention to the vibes, and it would lead us the path that was being shown.
1 Only in our mortal flesh is born the unbearable tenderness that is our ultimate nature and beauty, and without which no love and passion could exist.
2 i couldnt see anything through these evergrowing vines. but i was somewhat sure that i was still on my back porch. my thought patterns were ever growing and every thought had a million other tangents attached to them and so on. i blacked out for a while longer and the next thing i remember is being in the center of a circle containing all realms of existance and everything and everyone that encompasses them. but i wasnt a living being in this realm i was a mesh-like thing connected to all that could possibly be imagined by anyone or anything
3 the first thing I noticed was the pot-plant on the kitchen table. It was glowing with a sort of energy. The energy moved all around the plant, through its circulatory system, into the earth and into the atmosphere. I was seeing the plant living. This sight filled me with total awe as I realised that this was happening all over the earth, all this life, all this movement of energy. I felt I wasn’t ready to head into the garden, I feared that it might be a bit too much as I was still adjusting to the headspace of the mescaline.
All these things fascinated my housemates and they offered to go outside with me if I still felt fearful. Their concern for me touched me very deeply and I realised that even though they were very different people to me, they were essentially very good souls. These feelings for them were very unlike the love one feels on MDMA that I have come to think is somewhat insincere. It was recognition of their faults as well as their goodness and they were still all beautiful to me… not perfect, but still beautiful creatures who are adding to the love in the world. In the garden the energy fields became VERY apparent. Each plant was joined to each plant in close proximity by a band of energy also. This amazing, pulsing energy flowing through all these plants suddenly seemed to be flowing through all the bugs in the garden as well. Then I could see it flowing through us. There were these energy auras surrounding us and once again I was filled with this feeling of balance. Everything was as it should be. Not perfect, but getting there. Even for all the bad things that are happening in the world, change is happening. Slowly, but it is happening. Wow, all these thoughts and feelings that I was experiencing did seem at all like revelations, they seemed more like things I have forever known, but merely forgotten. […]
After purchasing the obligatory bottle of water, I headed straight to the floor; where I had my only unpleasant hallucination of the whole trip – once on the floor I danced a bit with my head down and when I lifted up my head, it seemed as though everyone in the club was running towards me with their teeth bared. Jesus! I looked down again to get away from this awful vision… and when I looked up again, it was worse – everyone’s faces had kind of gone wolf-like and they were definitely snarling at me. After about 15 seconds, however, it all faded and things were all back to normal. I was shaken for a bit though – I think that it happened simply because I changed the ‘pace’ of my trip so quickly and it took a bit to adjust to my environment.
After about a minute of dancing I slipped very easily into my ‘raving headpsace’ (it normally takes me at least 30-45 mins to do this). When I get into this state, everything else seems to fade into the background, I stop listening to the music – I start to feel it – and I no longer concentrate on my dancing. I am simply ‘flowing’ with the music. I get to the point where I am no longer sure if I am moving the music, or if the music is moving me…. Or if ‘I’ even exist any more. Powerful stuff. In this state, I often ponder philosophical things and I started to think of the ‘energy fields’ that I saw in the garden earlier… at the same time I noticed how the song that was playing sounded and awful lot like another song I liked very much; then I could hear another song somewhere in there. Pretty soon, I was hearing ever single song I had ever heard and then every single song that had ever been played was playing. Then the heartbeat of everyone in the club joined in… soon every single rhythm in the entire universe could be heard; and they all combined into this sort of heartbeat sound… I decided that this was the great song that binds us all – the fist drum-kick started with the big bang and the beat has been going on ever since. This was the song that the birds sang to, the planets moved to, our hearts beat to, and that we danced to. The closer that we were to this great song; the closer we were to our true selves, the closer we were to happiness. However we get to the song is irrelevant, but the closer we live to it, the closer we were to the truth. I felt at this point I was moving exactly in time to the song, or maybe just a little bit out but I again felt that overwhelming sense of peace and that ‘everything is going to be ok’ feeling. I decided that governments, big business and those who crave power are so totally wrong about how they are living. They tell us how to live, they make us use their money, they tell us what we want (and make it unattainable), they tell us what is beautiful and they tell us that we are unhappy. And we let them get away with it all, we simply obey them, almost blindly, because ‘this is just the way things are’ – why do they have to be this fucked up? There has to be an alternative. I knew that more and more people around the world were beginning to feel this way about how we are being coerced into this unhappiness and this filled me with hope. I had this vision (kinda like a lucid dream) of (almost) everyone in the world simply turning around one day, looking these people in the eye and saying ‘no’. I looked around the room at my fellow ravers – we were very close to the beat right now and all those hang-ups and stresses that THEY impose on us were so far away – and for this THEY hate us… they try so hard to stop us from doing these things because it makes them lose control of us… it makes us realise that we do not need them telling us how unhappy we are. Drugs allow us to see another way of doing things and that scares the shit out of them. I’m not saying that whatever we feel and think whilst intoxicated by drugs is absolute truth, but the drug experience is something that can teach us valuable lessons about how better to serve ourselves and the world around us. I realised that this change would not happen anytime soon – easily not within my lifetime, but it would happen and if I started right now by trying to make the change happen, not in the revolutionary sense, but merely by trying to be as loving as I could in a world that was so devoid of love. I realised that getting rid of so much social conditioning is very difficult and can be frustrating, but that now-familiar sense of everything’s-going-to-be-okay made it seem as if these lofty goals were somewhat unattainable. I felt like a child who has not yet been told that a lot of things are impossible. I felt free of all that conditioning that reminds us how helpless we are to change things… I felt that over every horizon was boundless opportunity and that there were no longer any limits imposed upon me.
4 I see a San Pedro in front of me, very realistic. All of the sudden, it grows to enormous size – hundreds of branches going out in every direction. The branches are easily 2 feet in diameter, and 40 or 50 feet tall. This mega-cactus is strangely alive, and seems to move slightly. All of the sudden the face of an old man appears on the top of the main branch of the cactus, and its eyes look down to its ‘belly’, which swells then opens up,revealing a large sphere of stars – I realize I am looking at the universe. A voice tells me that this is inside me as well, and that what needs to be done is to take this core of my being and pour out its energy in the form of love. The voice asks me if I understand and I answer that I do – and the vision ends.
I open my eyes and sit up, and tell my friends that I have just seen God. We all laugh. Laughter is a dominant emotion all night – I say emotion, because it is laughter for no reason other than just being alive. We keep commenting on how everything is weird – and derive great joy from the inherent oddness of the universe.
5 I was like a child again, in that I knew very deeply that it was ridiculous to live without fun.
At one point, my friends and I were talking, and I said ‘it all comes down to this. This moment – every moment – has what you need.’ (Quoting Rumi). My friends and I decided that that was the point of all that we were doing … not just this trip, but all psychedelic experience.
6 Empathy being a pseudonym for intuition – perceiving others’ emotional levitation, mood, actions and predicting their motions is a side effect I felt quite strongly last night after myself and a friend of mine (JackO) dosed on an unknown amount of San Pedro Syrup. […]
Empathy (Intuition) is the polar opposite of ego. Selflessness is the key to universal oneness and motionless existence despite the apparent chaos. Having no expectations is surrendering to bliss. […]
Drifting on the top of every person’s conversation in the room, I began to realize the futility and immaterial conversations, facial gestures, defense mechanisms, and overall expressions we has humans use to protect and build our egos. I felt the connectedness and cycle of life.
Humans are losing an inherent connectedness with nature and each other, distracted by illusions of the modern world. The Internet, Television, Incessant Activities… Many of my friends (including myself at times) seem to be possessed by activity. It is an attribute subjected by our governments (to yield production) and by one another. It seems to be a much rarer event to find someone at peace with sitting with no external inputs, uninterrupted, unconcerned with thought, enjoying the clarity of calmness, motionless existence.
7 I realised that for I’m not sure how long, we had been conversing while drifting between concious and unconcious thought. We all sensed the importance of the discovery and had to experiment with this new and wonderful ability. However the communion was taking over so much thoughts and feelings that it was too hard to concentrate on what was so important, ‘what was so important?’ I thought again, and as if the question was the answer it came to me again, so we began the first experiment, we all closed our eyes and I explained to everyone that I was going to clearly send ideas to only one other of the group, without speaking we all understood, I bent my thoughts towards Adam and felt all at once Dennis’ disappointment and Bens annoyance as Adam thought into my mind we simultaniously stood up and embraced as we realised that for the first time we had spiritually connected and felt waves of indescribable joy as we understood the magnitude of what we were achieving.
As one me Dennis and Adam fell into the unity of each other, but more than that still we understood the holiness of our souls intertwining and penetrating each other. Inner peace washed over me and cleansed me of thoughts and desires of the physical realm, I realised how insignificant and selfish it truly is to want or need anything when to want for nothing is pure bliss in itself. As I moved further and further towards enlightenment I understood that we are one, all of us from the smallest creature to the greatest galaxies are part of the same immortal force of life. Life? maybe or it could be God, that we are god and god is us. Therefore life is God! God had never been part of my life or so I thought until now, as I realise it is more than faith that I have now its truth, undeniable and obvious truth, that Life loves us all, the great life force that we are all part of.
I feel myself being pulled back, being ripped away from the unity of all things and it pains my soul to feel myself solidifying again, into my body. I begin to hear distant sounds that become more and more familiar, thoughts of self begin to take over again and I despise them as I am imprisoned once again, something has changed in reality, How long has it been? Time has been inconcequential for so long that the question confuses me. Time? I begin to see light as the sounds become familiar voices and the light becomes shapes and then objects. Adams house, yes this is reality again. Adam tells me that we must leave we are being too loud and he has to sleep for work. I try to comprehend the importance of these things and remember what reality offers us again needs are coming back to us, I try to explain to Adam that we don’t need anything anymore, after what we just experienced we should be reaching for that newly found goal. After a confusing moment, minute or something, I am finally told by all that we have to leave so I concede to their wishes, I can’t do it alone so we leave.
On the Journey home many thoughts continue to run through my mind, I feel residual emotions and reminisce on the spectacular things that I have discovered, reveling in the bliss of finally discovering something profound. As we walk I notice that I’m falling behind the group again and Dennis wishes for me to catch up, in the same time Ben explains to me that this experience is mine and if I choose to be fast I can make this happen, however obvious that seems it felt like a new revelation, so I attempt it and as I walk faster I begin to see life in fast forward, I stop and things slow to an almost stand still. I like this Idea. As we continue to walk we see in the near distance two people crossing our path, fear strikes me, ‘how are we supposed to react to other people?’ I ask, ‘we didn’t think about that.’ Perhaps I said that a bit too loud. They give us a strange look but carry on. Ben and I continue talking and he brings me to another realisation, that reality as it is, is all based on our need for survival. We need reality, it serves a purpose; while I understand the concept, it now seems such a strange fact and its still based on selfishness. […]
As we reach the house I feel that all too familiar feeling of being on the edge of discovery, and I begin to notice the power I have in reality, time stops in some places as it continues where I focus my attention. I feel that I’ve lost all my connection with people, in fact people have become less than real, more like hollow emotionless puppets, extentions of myself, my experience. Words lack substance and as the morning wears on this new perspective of real disturbs me. If I’m the one in control of this experience am I alone? Am I finally seeing this existence for what it really is? Just a stage for me to act out all of my selfish desires? The idea sickens me but I know it to be true. Time wears on at a snails pace. I think of my friends as just extentions of my personality, Dennis as my doubt of what I know is right, Ben as my Curiousity and synical side, Adam as my harmony with life.
It makes so much sense. I am alone in this, it’s as if now that I have seen the truth, reality is just a blanket over my eyes. I must remove this blanket now, but how? what must I do to transcend this hollow world? This limbo between me and the truth. As if I’ve been asked the greatest question and time stands still waiting for my response. What must I do this is all so confusing. Does God want me to kill my physical self so as to wake up as my true self? I try to deny it but it all seems so selfish, I’m just making excuses to hide from what I know is true. I must move on to the next level, but I’m so afraid, what if I’m wrong? It’s so confusing. God doesn’t want that, but it feels so right, it’s just reality holding me here. I must talk to Adam he’ll know what to do.
I leave the house, trying to remember the way around my town, knowing that to remember is another way to drag myself back to reality, deep down I know this is futile but I’m buying time to decide. I feel my keys and wallet in my pocket, what pointless burdens to be carrying now, I think, so I discard them, they have no more meaning anyway. Physically I feel nothing no pain no pleasure I smoke a cigarette but it has no taste it doesn’t satisfy me at all, I only feel this hollowness, and the only time it goes away is when I think about the tremendous task I must face and how good it will be when it’s all over. I arrive at Adam’s and wake him up, and just as I knew it to be, he was just like all the rest of them. I tell him about what I believe I must do, and as he laughs it off as a stupid idea I feel he is just a product of reality designed to make or break me, make me fight against reality more, or break me into a mindless ghost on earth stuck in limbo until the end of time. As if people are there to say the things that are already in my mind simply so I have a wall to bounce my ideas off of.
It makes no difference if I’m with people or alone physically, because I’m alone so long as I stay here. Just as I become frustrated and want a change of scenery Dennis pulls into the driveway with Ben, it’s all fitting together so easily my experience. We all leave together Adam has work Ben wants to be dropped off too. I tell them that I want to drive, they don’t like that Idea, of course that’s too easy, I must fool them just as I fool myself. I can wait. I listen to music that I once enjoyed and feel ashamed that I ever liked it it’s still the same music but it takes on a far more evil sound now that I’m awake, I think of all the things I wanted before, money, material things, Self-gratification, pride in myself, Confidence, the women I’ve pined for and lusted after, exacting my revenge on those who have crossed me. I can have all of these things now and feel no guilt or shame for this world is mine, it sickens me and I revel in it. But I don’t want this world, I no longer want those things, I want to feel love, I want to care again. I know that I don’t belong here anymore, I’m too good for this stage and these props, I belong with the all, the oneness, God, whatever the fuck it’s called names mean shit, I know, thats all that matters.
Eventually we leave Ben and Adam and it’s now just me and Dennis in the car, just as I want him to he asks where I want to go, and I tell him I want to drive, so I drive. Time stands still. the same thoughts run through my head over and over in a blur making me crazier with each looping idea, I can stop all of this you know, whenever I’m ready, but am I happy now? What am I waiting for? Nothing’s going to change in time. Eventually we go back to our house and I see my opportunity. I open my door, slowly, making sure to be one step behind Dennis. He gets out and shuts the door then I slam my door and lock it. Central locking. I know that if I don’t look at him dennis will do nothing, don’t think about it just leave, just leave. I can’t resist and so I look up at him, he seems confused but not particularly worried, I drive away. I’m alone for now, until my world conspires against me and finds a way to get me.
Well it’s time to put my money where my mouth is, so I drive to the top of a steep hill to pick out my favourite power pole. I stop there and try to psyche myself into it imagining myself hitting the pole and drifting through as I leave my body. Ring ring, Dennis’ cellphone laughs, I pick it up and talk to his bodyless voice. ‘where are you bro?’ he asks, ‘don’t worry I’m fine, I’ll be back soon,’ I say grinning at the Irony of it. I hang up. I worry that I might not finish the job properly and that would be disasterous, then nothing could stop the world from keeping me here. I remember the Knife we used to cut that Wonderful Cactus down was still in the car so I reach back, and laugh out loud at the empty Scabbard I see, it’s so ironic, of course not, no that would be far too simple. The phone again, and the same conversation with Dennis, bye. This time I’ll turn it off, no it won’t do that so I pull off the battery. I decide it’s got to be another way this isn’t how I was intended to do it it no longer feels right.
So I drive home, I’m too weak to do this, I’m just a scared little child, and the hollowness in me grows. I draw the cars towards me as they come the other way but fear prevents even that. God Damn it why does this have to be so fucking hard? I know what I must do isn’t that enough? Just take me! Laughter echoes in my mind and I drive back to my home.
Jason, no I was hoping no outsiders would be here but I can’t have it my way this time.’Hi jason,’ without a glance. Inside I succumb to my sorrow and curl up into a ball on the couch as the same thoughts run over in my head for eternity. I find myself alone again, and I turn to see the time five o’clock and the television attacks me with a barrage of metaphors for my dilemma. I need to have conviction for this to work, ok I’ll make you a deal. At 11:30 you are going to get up and walk out of this house, you will walk to the cliffs overlooking the river, they’re huge and the rocks below are hard, you will not stop walking until you’re on the other side, you get it? Don’t think just act and then everything will be fine. You’ll forget all about this horribly wonderful day, and all of your problems will wash away. Peace will surround you and fill you until nothing of you remains, no longer a person will you be, but a spiritual essence joining with everything. This world, your reality will stop, as if it never was. I close myself off and commit myself to my destiny, allowing thoughts of peace to fill my mind and time moves on…
I wake up out of a shallow sleep to feel strangely normal, what a bizarre feeling, then I remember what I must do. I check my watch and its 11:40, I missed my deadline, what does this mean? I feel normal again, time moves normally, thoughts are clearer in my mind I’m aware of the world around me, I think the trip is over, but I’m not sure. I still feel a bit paranoid, and decide to wait out until midnight as if it might have some relevance. I watch television and it doesn’t seem to be directed at me. Midnight comes and goes, and I go over the events of the trip in my mind. Did I just turn down the opportunity of ultimate awareness or do I have a new lease on life? I know that my perspective on life has changed and I’m definitely better for it, I’m glad that I didn’t take my life for sure, but I can’t help but feel disappointed in myself for not finding out for certain. I definately recommend this drug to anybody with an urge to unlock answers to life, but be careful what you wish for, those answers may come at a high price.
8 Entheogenic Solo Vision Quest (Mushrooms ) by Wind
They taste musty-good. I chew then thoroughly, mixing with saliva, and letting the essence enter me first through the membranes under my tongue. Then laying down and breathing deeply. Vibrating the anticipation outward. Staying present.
Then the electric rushes begin to zing through my body and inner ear. I am seeing color tracers and auric rimming. Breathing it all in deeply. At this point the journey takes off and I feel the connection between that-which-is-looking-out-from-within-me and the surround. […]
I loose the thread of awareness-continuity here and find myself getting up to walk to find… something… something else. I keep looking to see the non-ordinary. Intending the miraculous. […]
I see selfishness and addiction to preoccupation in my living. I see that I keep myself so busy I have no space to receive omens, guidance and overview in life. I see I must pause to break the continuity of the ordinary much more often. […]
I intend expanded reality. I want communion with my people and deep ongoing connection with Intent.
[…]letting go of limiting beliefs I have had. I change my reality and my path to integrate the seeing from yesterday and the morning.
9 This was the sole clear visual I can recall. However, the whole mushroom experience always has an element of being ‘shown’ things — but this showing is not a visual presentation of images so much as a visceral apprehension of fundamental truths. It is showing in the sense of ‘understanding’, as opposed to seeing in the usual sense. For instance, I am often confronted with the essence of a particular metaphor or archetype. Most of what follows is ‘seen’ in this way. […]
It is like a guided tour at the brink of the Abyss. The mushroom leads you to the cliff, and points, and commands you to look. To be sure, there is a guard-rail, and a concession stand, and the guide cracks jokes somewhat lamely. It can be banal, even silly, and the brochure guarantees that there is no danger of falling off the edge. But when you look into that darkness, see the stirring of great forms within it, hear the pounding and buzzing which echoes in its depths, you remember why you have come. You stand there, gazing over the edge of Life, gazing into that night, and something rises up before you. It breaks across the flimsy railing, and touches you right where you are Human. You see all life pouring past you over that trembling, aching lip, pouring back into the Mystery, receding into Truth, never slowing, constantly renewed. And you understand that someday you will stand at this precipice again. On that day, the concession stand will have been boarded up, the railing will be rusted to the ground, and the brochures will have long ago blown away. Then the only guide will be a familiar, quiet voice which beckons to you gently from the depths of the Mystery.
By far, mortality is the overwhelming theme of the mushroom trance. All else is commentary. Issues of life and death arise like idols before me, demanding sacrifice. It is a kind of reckoning. My mind is led directly to the instant of life’s fleeting, without the crutches of distraction and numbness to which it is accustomed. There I am confronted with the things that make one take life very seriously — issues of conscience, sacrifice, and responsibility. I behold with a shudder that I am living on borrowed time, and that the things I love most in life are all busied in their own passing. We are living on borrowed time, and how acutely now I feel that urgency! I write, ‘Time is a call to responsibility: to live, to love, lest it end in tragedy.’
The mushroom catalyzes the ability to look at life — at my life. The ground of human experience is that it is filtered through the perspective of the individual Self. Even this continuity, this ‘I’, is transitory. But as long as we live, this subjectivity is all we know and have, even as we strive to transcend it through art and action and love. When we forget this, when we forget that this life is uniquely our own, we lose sight of its value, we ignore its impermanence, and we become complacent, biding time until the reaper calls.
But understand also that we do not exist in isolation from the universe. That is an illusion, a trick of our sophisticated mind. Our life, our perspective, is unique. It is the mechanism of creativity. Yet we are all one substance, changeable. A mirror merely shows the universe presenting itself in a particular way, as with all things. Where is the distinction between my body and the world? Truly, the only distinction is in language. It seems to me that differences in shape and color and chemistry are superfluous creations of the linguistic mind. We are animate bits of a great cohesive Whole, rising and falling like waves. The Buddha has said this all before, and better.
It is daring me to BE. The mushroom is not impressed with idle speculation: it is truly the voice of conscience. It is my own inner voice, so rarely acknowledged, challenging me to go beyond myself. I hear it almost taunting me, laughing at my pretensions, waiting to see if I have the courage to act, waiting to see what I will Do. I sense the expectation of the world, waiting for me to make sense of it — but not waiting for long! There will come a reckoning, even within my own heart, where my life will be seen for what it has been. When that time comes, will I be ready? And what if it were to come today?
I sense the potency behind everything: some call it God. Others call it Death, drawing us in. Newtonian causality insists that we are driven forward through time by the energy of the past. But are we not also drawn to our destiny, more or less willingly, by some strange attraction? The part of us that is Human yearns for something beyond itself: our life is a sense of longing — stormy seas, the pangs of guilt… We have been drawn forward out of animal nature towards something bright and irresistible, a glittering bauble which we follow like children through veils of increasing complexity. Along the way we suffer terribly, but most terrible of all would be losing sight of that light and being lost in darkness. So we follow that light wherever it must take us, and we call it Hope.
Change is in our nature. We are at our most Human when we transform ourselves in the act of creation. So we must make our peace, somehow, with the inevitability of change. There is much talk of the need for unity, of the appreciation of the species, and of the planet, as a whole. Yet we watch in horror as global culture is reduced to the lowest common denominator: an infantile and chilling homogeneity which colonizes and kills the very diversity which typifies our species. Is this the unity we seek, a static monad, devoid of drama, emptied of color and hope? This is not the way of the universe. We are not here to simply merge indistinguishably into one another and vanish. To truly live we must introduce harmony into the world, to add our voice, just so, to the song of the universe unfolding. This is the creative act, and it is the jewel in the crown of Humanity. In creation we can introduce harmony where there was none before. It is the path to salvation.
But time is flying: I hear the wailing of the grave, ‘Make a difference!’
Singing Stories in the Void
Stories of light and dark, of history, and of Love, of a little boy who ate some strange mushrooms one day… We are nothing but stories in the void. Life is a narrative creation. Its body is made of language and memory; experience is its food. It is not forms which last, not deeds themselves, but the enduring drama of a particular life or event, as dramatized for others. The mark of a great life is that it is a story worth telling. The value of a deed is in what it provides for the memory of others. There is no scale to which this does not apply. Famous or obscure, we are ultimately responsible for determining how we will be remembered, if at all.
But where to find those stories? The mushroom tells me, ‘You will find words in the living of your life.’ The source of language, the source of its power, is in the immediacy of felt experience. We are some sort of alchemical filter by which the elixir of language is distilled from all the ‘blooming, buzzing confusion.’ I can see myself flying now past row upon row of ordered neatness called language. Ordered, yes, but how elusive! Do not presume to know it, though you dwell in it daily! It appears sometimes as a substance, sometimes as a creature, eating, growing, killing, remembering. It is neither friend nor foe, but wild like the beasts of the desert. Then again, it is the storehouse of culture, intimately bound up with the enigma of history. Language — storytelling — is the externalization of internal dramas, and as such, it is one portal by which novelty enters the world.
‘The Jew is associated with forbidden knowledge.’ This realization strikes me as strange. I wonder, what is its truth? I see in my heritage the roots of my love of language and books, of my desire to understand things. But I don’t think in terms of ‘forbidden knowledge.’ Is this an explanation of the historical treatment of the Jews? Certainly in Medieval Europe they were associated with the Devil, and certainly there are economic and cultural explanations, but might these things have masked a deeper, more subtle cause? Could the almost mystical reverence for language shown by the ‘People of the Book’, in the midst of the illiterate Dark Ages, have stirred an unconscious fear? Mastery of language is a kind of magic, and here were the Jews with their scrolls of strange markings, borne aloft in the very heart of their sanctuary. Yes, the signs of Black Magic must have been all too clear! And at the center of it all, the mystery of language… But how does this relate to me? Is this a warning about my desire to share the ‘forbidden knowledge’ of the plant teachers?
The voice within me says clearly, ‘Be thankful,’ and surely I am. The only other option, when confronted with one’s own mortality, is panic and fear, and the choice is mine. I am thankful for the blessings of family and friends, for the love that is shown me, and which is accepted from me in return. I am thankful for the godlike abundance that keeps me nourished, for the pleasures of new and diverse foods, and for hot water when I turn on the faucet. I stand in awe before the sacrifices of my ancestors, whose struggles and sufferings were unimaginable, that I might enjoy these things. I give thanks for all that there is, vanishing like a mystery.
I contemplate the importance of friendship. How magnificent are the achievements that are made possible by a friendly bond, how sweet are the joys! But also how poignant is the tragedy of being in the world without friends. I count my blessings, and vow to be more open to offers of comradeship.
Perhaps because it is the Thanksgiving season, this sense of gratitude is what has stuck with me, beyond all else. Continual thanksgiving is an antidote for the ego’s fear of impermanence. They are two sides of the same coin. I want the knowledge of how lucky I am to stay with me, lest I be caught unawares when fortune changes. So I give thanks for all that there is, vanishing like a mystery.
‘The Mystery: I hope it helps.’
I approached this session hoping to clarify where I must go with my life. At first it seemed my question had been ignored. After all, the mushroom shows you what you truly need to know, not necessarily what you want. But I realize that I have received ample clues to guide me. First, the sense of urgency at the passing of time, then the role of gratitude in overcoming fear. Then I was focused on the mystery of language. I have always thrilled at the challenge of trying to put thought into language, and doing it well. There is that moment of searching, and then the mysterious satisfaction when words come, condensing from some inscrutable source. There is the satisfaction of having those words acknowledged, knowing that they have inspired or provoked. It is in the skillful telling of stories that we are remembered, I have seen, and I want to be remembered as Good.
The mushroom has shown me what I must do — though it remains for me to find the way. As it fades back into the glare of mundanity it speaks clearly once more. I write:
‘Be a teacher. Be a storyteller. Or be gone.’
9 bis (du même que précédemment) An Encounter With Teonanacatl
I have compiled an account of today’s psilocybin experience. As will become apparent, the encounter was intensely personal, intensely emotional. But then, why do we poison ourselves so, if not precisely for these effects? I include those parts here in the interest of science, that the virtue of these sessions can be understood. This is in the face of prevailing hysteria over the issue of ‘drugs’, which informs national public policy, and which is based largely on stereotypes and ignorance. I do not advocate casual use of these substances. On the contrary, they demand the utmost respect, as I have learned today. But read on.
The main text (in bold) was written while under the influence of approximately 3 grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms. The surrounding commentary was added later. This experiment took place in my apartment, on a Sunday afternoon. After consuming the mushrooms, with orange juice, I did some Yoga stretches to relax into a more receptive mode. I then sat cross-legged on the floor, the lights out, earplugs in (I live in a noisy city, okay?), quieting myself. The effects came on in about 25 minutes. I did not begin writing for some time.
When I did this with S., we both cried. We weren’t sure why. Now it seems that, perhaps, it was that we had been shown the impermanence of things. That is cause for sorrow and joy — or neither: it is the way of the cosmos.
My previous mushroom experience, with this same batch, was conducted with my girlfriend, in her apartment. We each found ourselves crying, for reasons we could not explain. Today’s adventure sheds new light on that.
Life is a miracle! Others have said it. But let me now be counted as one who has said it, too. It is miraculous that this flesh, which someday shall stiffen and fall, could move, could feel, could think.
I find myself looking at my hands, imagining how someday they would harden in death. They look pale, plastic, the fingers a bit too long. But they seem distinctly features of a living system. I am fascinated by the rough edges of the cuticle, the frayed edge of growth, the uncertain tip of becoming.
I am the entire history of the planet. The present is all there is.
Contemplating the evolution of life on Earth, I see myself as the ongoing product of all the lives that preceded me. Visions of the sea come before me, of life struggling on coastal rocks, of birds overhead. The present is the moving summation of all that has gone before; all things are interrelated. I understand myself as the continuing culmination of the evolutionary process.
We are scared, inside. Fear eats at us from all around. We appear, as it were naked, given into this world, told we have parents, who love us… But I am telling my story here.
The anxiety begins. The ego’s defenses are being stripped away, and I see myself as a fragile, transient disturbance in a realm of infinite complexity. I am losing the illusions which I hold onto to feel secure. We are not the people we assure ourselves daily of being, but frightened children, grasping for assurance. We are terrified of death, so we deny it. But when truly confronted with our own impermanence, the games we play and the crutches we lean on do seem to fade! Still, I count my blessings, feeling thankful for having such loving parents and friends. Many others are not so lucky.
Those who tell us not to do psychedelics fear confrontation with the essential anxiety of being.
We live in a society which denies death, and in so doing, denies life. Entheogens force us to confront essential issues of life, death, and identity. This is, really, what people fear about them. They fear it so much that they would stop others from investigating these mysteries.
We cried at the realization of what we are. Or what we are not.
Another reference to the previous trip. Self-realization, self-revelation, can be a profoundly disturbing experience. But does it therefore follow that ignorance is preferable?
I have to attend to the matter of my life. It is like a plant, or a garden, which must be tended. There does seem to be an integrity to those who work with the earth, [who] rely on it.
Sensing the reality of my eventual dissolution, I feel the urgency of cultivating a life that is meaningful and beautiful. Too often I take the safe and habitual route. The metaphor of the garden presents itself: life as an organic phenomenon. We do not create our destiny outright, but like a gardener we can plant seeds and tend them. It occurs to me that growing plants is in many ways an alchemical project. Gardening involves all the ingredients of self development: discipline, intelligence, love… Like alchemy, it is a microcosm of spiritual evolution.
Whatever happened to « striking out to find one’s fortune, » like in all the old stories? The things that we take for granted hold us back.
Many tales begin with the youth setting out from home, seeking his destiny. There was the implication that destiny would, in fact, find him. None of this pre-fab future, with everything planned out from school to nursing home. That is a denial of destiny. The more we take for granted, the less sensitive we are to the prompting of opportunity, and the more vulnerable when our foundations crumble…
If these mushroom experiences are not euphoric it is because I am a sad person at heart.
But then, few aren’t.
I must make changes in my life. I want to farm, to live off the land, to work with my hands. But what is happening to us? What is this history going on all around us?
Perhaps living in Manhattan makes me overly nostalgic for the ‘simple life’, that pastoral idyll of intimate communion with the land. But I think it holds up to scrutiny. To live off one’s own harvest is to rely as much upon one’s self as on the earth. But is it really what I want to do? The close of the Twentieth Century seems to herald astounding changes in the nature of human civilization. Can I afford to be isolated, not to contribute?
It just occurred to me that history is intimately bound up with communications media. I mean, if things seem to be moving faster, it is, in part, because we are so informed about so much.
Superficially, this is obvious. But I am talking about the perception of history. Perhaps the sense that things are speeding up is in part an illusion created by all the information that bombards us. Is it that more is happening, or that we just know more about it? Of course, there is a feedback loop at work here. Information does not passively circulate, accumulating in manageable puddles. It changes what it touches, affecting in turn the flow of occurrence which it describes. I remain convinced of the acceleration of historical currents.
I am an historical creature. Is there a part of me that is not? If I have seen it, it went unrecognized.
I do not stand outside the world, looking in. I am a part of it, a feature of the universe, the product of all that is and has ever been. Not just my body, but my mind, my sense of self. There is no sign here of the angelic component of the Self which so many mystics report. Or perhaps I am overlooking something that is right under my nose.
The fact is, I am depressed. I did not want to admit that to myself, but it now seems unavoidable. I am sad. Is this « the Human Condition? » Or can something be done about it?
This sadness surprises me. I consider myself an optimist, one who is well-adjusted — without being too complacent. But there has always been a melancholy streak, a sobriety in the midst of all my laughter. The things I need come easily, but what of the things I value? It is unclear whether this melancholy derives from the facts of my own individual existence, or if it is a fundamental sadness in the human soul. We are eaten up with a longing for… for what? What is this thing within us, driving us forward, calling our name from the deepest Abyss?
Everything is so complex. It becomes overwhelming. I am a sad monkey, trying to keep up.
I am being shown many layers of meaning simultaneously. I am seeing myself from the inside out and the outside in, a sweep which encompasses the whole vastness of the universe. It is too much — how could we ever hope to understand anything?
Intensely sad. Is it the fungus? It seems to bring this with it. And yet the sadness is within myself.
The behaviorist interpretation of all this is that the mushroom itself caused me to be depressed: I ate it, and became sad. But is it ‘just the drugs’? None of this seems like whacked-out raving to me. It still makes sense, the next day, though I no longer feel the sadness. Actually, I feel really good now, having passed through the ordeal.
Do I want to study? Graduate school? It is an abstraction.
One of the major issues facing me now. It is often talked about, but I don’t understand what kind of commitment this is.
I am experiencing the wrath of Teonanacatl. He shows you what you are, and there is no way to run from it. Far from « special effects » and amazement, what I am being shown is the banality of my life. Why live in New York City? Why live in any city?
Teonanacatl: the Aztec name for the mushroom. It means « the flesh of god. » All this soul-searching feels very much like a lesson I am being taught by a stern disciplinarian, but for my own good. This is real knowledge, it is what I came here for; it is what I am getting. I am being taught about myself — not superficial curiosities, but things that are of ultimate importance to me, normally avoided for fear of change. I continue to reevaluate my current living situation.
I have to make some decisions. I have to figure out what I really value and what I do not. And though it is painful, I must face it, and do so alone.
But will the resolve keep in the light of day?
I find myself looking at my life: we make decisions about who we are. Student? Farmer? What do I want to do? We do not need parallel universes; this one is strange enough.
The mushrooms, this weekend, alone, has precipitated some sort of emotional crisis. It is as though all the issues that I defer and file away somewhere are now reintroducing themselves to me, demanding acknowledgment, demanding payment.
And regardless of who let them in the front door, they are quite real.
All this talk of globalism — the world is still a much bigger place than we usually care to admit.
Worldwide communications, the death of nationalism, new paradigms — let none of this be confused for adequate knowledge of the world. Surprise lies potent at all levels of reality.
Immense sadness. Who am I? Am I this collection of habits, compromises?
The thought is harrowing.
The mushroom brings with it whatever lessons it feels are appropriate. Knowledge of self is not an easy thing.
This truly sums up the experience. Most people would consider this a « bad trip. » I was intensely nervous, shaken to the core, biting my nails, my lips, standing in the middle of the room gazing in horror into empty space, peering out the window, hoping for relief, near tears. At no point did I regret what I was doing. I recalled accounts of the shamanic experience, wherein the self is torn apart by the ancestor spirits, so that it may be constructed anew. This wasn’t quite so intense, but the elements were there. Such a crisis is the source of strength, if properly understood. The mushroom demands trust; otherwise, all is madness.
Almost back to baseline.
The mushroom is a tool for introspection. It holds up a mirror and forces one to gaze upon it.
It is an ontological catalyst. Whether the experience is ecstatic or terrifying depends, in part, on the kind of information one needs. This is not a path which everyone should take. Not everyone wants to see themselves revealed, unpeeled and pinned to the board in front of them. Self-knowledge is not a checklist of niceties and foibles, it is a furnace where the impurities burn. And the more fuel, the hotter the blast.
I cannot overemphasize the value of this experience for me. It is not what I expected, and yet surely it has changed me. How can anyone, reading these words, dismiss this as hallucination or delusion? I invite them to try it themselves, and then tell me why I should be considered irresponsible — or a criminal — for doing what I have done.
10 Primordial Fire Mushrooms by Nipo
To some extent all this was spontaneous, and yet I did think every now and then parts of the hallucinations, for instance the tunnels… … I thought, ‘I’ll go towards the light, white light,’ and these beginnings of caverns were forming in front of my eyes, of blue, and pink and orange color.. I searched for the white light, and found it.. I dove in and the caven changed into tunnel made of turquose rings of light, I sped through them, towards the white light, rings grew quickly paler and suddenly I felt very weird – awed sort of, bit scared if I should do this, or jus t open my eyes – I had lost the feel of my body and was completely away in the spiritworld.. I hesitated for a microsecond and then continued while thinking ‘Don’t think. Think nothing. Thinki pinki.’ [ =) ] – and suddenly was there –
In the _Primordial_Fire_, it burned me away, cleansed me of everything, parts of me beginning to melt and turn into dust blow away by the horrible force of this pure white light – I opened my eyes, as I felt a tingles in my body where the parts had begun melting – everything was back to quite normal. ‘Oh, don’t fight it,’ I thought, ‘let go. Let go. LET GO,’ I said to myself, and closed eyes, stopped fighting it, the fire returning in the form of a volcano, volcano the size of the Himalayas, I was the volcano. I burned and oozed and was being purified – and this was not an unpleasant feeling, more like bittersweet, and I also felt very powerful… I was unable to completely let go, so this little doubt dwelt in the back of my mind, whether I should stop, for the intensity of everything was rapidly escalating.
I the volcano turned from pale red to pure white, pressure building up along the temperature, and suddenly I let go. Just relaxed myself physically and mentally, and the volcano erupted into the skies, throught the skies to the space, towards all stars in the form of quark-sized million-kelvin particles. […]
My friend asked me whether I wanted to have a few hits off the bong.. I took some, and changed Riley to something else (can’t remember). And then I lay down again, saying I’ll take another dive. As I closed my eyes for a short time my thoughts and visions were very chaotic, but then I saw a woman. I don’t know exactly what she looked like, and so on, but I stepped closer to her thinking I would began to have these visions of wild orgies I’ve sometimes had – in the Psychedelic Experience it is mentioned as some bardo of some level.. But no.
She was Mother Earth. For a moment I was bewildered. Then I placed my hand on her vaginal lips, and first one, then two fingers slipped in.. Then my hand, and my arm.. And all the time I grew smaller, or she grew bigger, for I went inside her womb, which was a passageway.. I felt very warm.. very secure and she showed me things I had done wrong, things I should do… Very quickly after this the visions began to fade, totaling in about 3 hours..
[…]However I was quite in control, being able to return to normal levels of conciousness by opening my eyes. The effects of the setting, I feel, were very pro- nounced (primordial fire, purification, symbolic death and mother earth are all elements of shamanic traditions).
11 Being Led to the Heart of the Question by 91
‘In our bodies we took refuge curled up in a sea of time —- no, curled up against a sea of time.
like all these blessed rebirths today. So wonderful to have just … passed these ages together.
These long, desperate journeys between.’
I looked up at my friends, because that line was meant for them.
‘Like twilight for the soul. We start out craving the journey, but we end up regretting its distractions. We haven’t the energy to try out new things any more.’
This last sentence was written in a desperately quick scribble, because it was so upsetting I just wanted to be done with it.
12 Love in the Eyes of the Reaper (Becoming One) Mushrooms – P. cubensis by WideEyed
The switches kept getting faster, and Jimi Hendrix Electric Ladyland started playing. I was, to say the last, overcome with desire. We started…the only way I can explain it is breathing with each other. It wasn’t sexual in common terms, though it was the most sexual experience of my life. Physically and mentally, there was a feeling of becoming closer to oneness. The trips stopped switching and it became an entirely different kind. I was having flashbacks of my childhood. Times when it felt there should have been someone there. Times when I felt like someone just like me was standing on the other side of the mirror. Times when I felt like it was someone else’s pain or joy I was feeling. Suddenly I was aware that B and I were thinking the exact same thing. It was like she was in my head and I was in hers. I saw memories of her childhood and she’d look at me questioning ‘that was you I was looking for?’…the thought I’m sure arose in our minds simultaneously because I would look up with absolute surprise and she would have the same exact expression. This continued for however long Electric Ladyland lasts, and then B went to the bathroom. I laid on the floor, but even separated I was still sure we were thinking the same thing. I felt a deep pain of detachment, and when she returned, she was crying.
13 My Mind/Imagination Is All that Exists (Shrooms (P. subaeruginosa) & Salvia divinorum) by Duff
Once I had smoked the salvia I got that all too familiar salvia feeling and the cold chill it gives to my body which is quite discomforting. I felt the force that normally pulls me in whilst on salvia only faintly, but I did get the weird weird paranoia that I typically get on salvia — that everyone is part of (playing) a practical joke on me and laughing at my confusion. Since I was already on shrooms, this made me very confused and paranoid about the people around me (who looked blurry’ish at this point) and I looked at each once of them oddly in suspicion. I thought that I was the only one that existed and that they were all part of a reality designed to mess with my head and laugh at how confused I was as if I was a fool of sorts. This wasn’t really the case tho as they were just asking if I was ok etc. […]
The thought came to me that my mind was the only thing that exists and that everyone is part of this imaginatory reality that they actually think is real and take it so seriously. This thought is baffling. I could almost see where this reality ends as one part of the imagination that creates it. […]
I thought that my trouble in finding a gf (I have only ever had one ever and that lasted a long time) was reminiscient of the fact that the greater mind is lonely existing as just one all-encompasing entity. Maybe that is why is creates such convincing alternative realities to experience — to experience and experiment with the illusion of interacting with and being loved by something else, something else that is really just itself in a different time-space continuum of sorts that it somehow creates with its omnipotent creative imagination. […]
In the end the experience really didn’t change me at all, I merely came to see that which I had already realized and understood theoretically (through A LOT of research and philosophy), but as such had a less-amusing experience. […]We should all treasure inter-personal contact, the joys of this reality (world) and especially intimate relationships.
14 Where is There? Mushrooms by Erikah (FILLE ?)
So I had this entire idea in my head that everything and everyone was just a “ripple of my own being” or something, meaning that they were just a reflection of everything that I am. I thought that I had somehow made EVERYTHING up….everything (but more on that later)…
15 The Coldest Night of the Year
As I walked, I thought, and the secondary effects of the mushroom became apparent. Something was nagging at me, something I seemed to have forgotten. It was like a word trying to form in my mind, but not quite succeeding, a seemingly simple idea that I ‘knew’ but could not name. All lines of thought seemed to lead back to it; it was like an echo of something important yet simple, right on the tip of my tongue. It had an ‘I told you so’ feeling to it, and seemed to be associated with the concept of ‘grandfather’ or ‘ancestor’. I struggled in vain to identify it, but in vain. It was uncanny like dejá vù, with the urgent beauty of a just-forgotten dream. The experience was ineffable, provocative, and weird.
At one point I had the experience of what I have tentatively labeled ‘unfiltered perception.’ I was approaching a streetcorner. Cars were passing, some were turning, lights were changing, people walked in both directions, coming in and out of stores and restaurants, dogs, posters, horns honking, change jingling in the cup of a beggar… Suddenly I was aware of all these stimuli at once, these things that are normally filtered out of our consciousness, which we react to, half-aware. For a few moments I could observe all of these signals simultaneously, see how they intersected in the body, how they were anchored together by my particular perspective. I experienced reality as a massively parallel process, a field of endlessly interacting patterns, emerging, refracting, and dissolving around me and through me. And yet it was not confusion. I knew what things were, what the blinking red « DON’T WALK » sign meant, what an oncoming car meant. On the contrary, it was an uncanny clarity. I was a bit awed, but felt distinctly awake to the world around me. […]
The next morning I found myself thinking, inexplicably, of my grandfather, who was many years deceased. I was showering when I suddenly recalled that he — and he alone — had always called me by my Hebrew name. I had never thought much of it, but now it struck me as mysterious and significant. When I called my father to ask about it, he said that he too had awakened that day thinking of my grandfather, and further surprised me by adding that my grandfather’s birthday was only two days away. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I wondered then if it was connected to the fleeting suggestion which had haunted me the night before.
16 Egocentric Suicide (Mushrooms) by entiformation
I tried grabbing people, and grabbed my sister, told her I loved her, and bit her tit, telling her we have to have sex (which sounds sick, but bear in mind that I was only thinking of sex symbollically representing love). I yelled out shit like I want to have sex with my parents, Saddam Hussein, my good friend E, and a bunch of other people. […]
Fantasy: I thought that I knew the meaning of life, but that god had forsaken us, and I had to do something to save all of humanity. I was in the worst kind of emotional and mental pain. I felt as if everybody depended on me, and that only I could commune with god, because I was god. […]
I think I am having sex with the entire world. Complete loss of reality, not ego. I thought the nurse was having sex with me. I tried digging my foot into her (it never happened), and I started to have what I thought was an orgasm (I actually pissed myself) for a while.
17 The Wave (Mushrooms – P. cubensis (dried) by taco
Throughout this entire trip, I felt this endless momentum rushing through me, and I tried to focus on it at different times through the trip. What I perceived from the momentum is that it is not a single unit of momentum rushing at insane speeds, but the combined momentum of countless tiny little pulses. Each pulse would start out as near to nothing as it can get, and it would build and build and build to a shouting climax, after which it would ebb and recede away.
That same sort of arc is the life cycle of every single thing in the universe, including the universe itself. It grows, and grows, and it may change in time, but then it starts to get old, and ebb away, and grow less and less, until it forms back into that whence it came, nothing. It is a natural phenomenon, and both to be parted from (birth) and reunited with (death) the perception of this universal particulate momentum is a joyous event.
I cannot overstate how important of a discovery this was for me. I see reflections of that insight in almost everything I do on a daily basis now. I see it in the world power cycle of the United States, I see it in the birth of a child, I see it in a growing corporation, as well as in dying ones.
We are all transversing the same wave in the universe, but we are all at different points on the wave, and thus seem incomprehensible to one another. We have laughing fits when we trip because everything is really so ridiculously simple that we don’t understand then why we don’t understand when we’re sober.
18 Energy is Essential (Mushrooms, MDMA (Ecstasy) & Cannabis) by Eric
The next thing I knew the room was completely quiet even tho nothing had changed. Everyone was still talking drinking and smoking. And all I heard was a whisper in the back of my mind. It told me it had something to show me and I needed to follow it immediately. I felt a sence of fear but this quickly dissolved as I was walking towards the voice in c’s apartment. It felt warm and soothing. I felt like it was just the natural thing to do. I followed it into his washroom and I heard it coming from in the bathtub. As I leaned in closer and closer to hear the whispering words of this voice with no face I noticed it was coming from the drain hole. It told me to get closer and to look into the hole. As I started to stare into the abyss of a darkened orfice I watched the world around me pixelate and start flying all around me. I watched it get drained like water in the tub.
As I was watching this in utter contentment I suddenly heard a loud wooshing noise. The water of the tub had just turned itself on. It wasn’t hot, wasn’t cold. It was perfection and another huge wave of euphoria hit me much harder. As the water was falling upon my head the vision that I had was completely black. I felt like I had lost reality and within seconds all I began to see were bright vivid colors filling my entire visual field. Suddenly these colors started to melt away and started to get sucked into what I could only describe as a brilliant spiral of lucid colour and in my head every color of the spectral field started to entalgle and form cubes. As the cubes spun wildly out of control all I could feel is my body tingling and this water rushing over my head. I felt like I was having an orgasm this sensation was so intense.
As I would see bright flashings of multicolored light I felt like I was being sent through a blackhole shooting through the air a million miles a second seeing all these vivid colors enamoring my concious mind. As I was flying I suddenly came to the end of the wormhole and I could see hundreds of spirals flying out of control. Then all the colors came back together and suddenly I saw pixels of color come together to form a bottom of a tub. There was no water on but I could see myself dripping. As I stood up the voice then told me that it had shown me all. […]
T+6. So I decided to go have a shower to see how good I would feel because my body was tingling. As I got into the hot shower I had an idea and I turned off the light. I was in the bathroom, pitch black in the shower and it was the most amazing thing I had ever experiainced. I felt like I was just a ball of energy. I lost my actual body somewhere and as I would travel through rooms of melting colors and distotions in my mind I was still so amazingly content feeling wave after wave of euphoria still hitting me stong. The next thing I know I go from floating in a mystical lucid dream to hearing a faint knocking on the door and I couldent see anything. I had no idea where I was placed in the bathroom. Upside down, rightside up. Spinning, Sitting standing still. I didn’t know.
Suddenly the knock got even harder and I felt the water falling on my chest. I then was able to notice I was laying in the tub. I walked to the light opened it. The spirals and visuals were now faint and in my peripheral vision. They weren’t as abundant as before. So I got dressed got out of the shower it was then 8:20 am.
19 Hinduistic Divination (Mushrooms – P. cubensis ) by Baker
It’s funny how each different psychedelic drug seems to remind me of my spiritual readings. LSD has a strong Buddhist edge, Salvia has a strong Taoist edge, Mescaline definitely has a connection with the peyote religion (duh), 2c’s feel like Greek mythology and the teachings of Don Juan. Though have a similarity with mescaline as it too felt mythological. Now mushrooms make me feel Hindu, in an enchanted sense. Although. ergotamine’s still seem to have the strongest grip on my spirituality, being predominantly into Buddhist teachings. These mind states were revealed to me before they were followed up with readings by the way.
20 Revelations, Cosmic Unity, Entity Contact…(Mushrooms (P. mexicana), Alcohol & Cannabis) by Peter Pumpkin
The visuals I am now experiencing are enveloping not just the world around me, but they are delving into my very psyche; Every racing thought appears as a powerful visualisation in my minds eye.
21 A Cautionary Tale (Mushrooms) by Psychonaut Psychon [a pris 30 gm de secs !! et panique totalement]
I was caught in the middle of a powerful river and was clinging desperately to a rock. The rock came in the form of a word. A word that was repeated over and over to me or perhaps I was saying it myself. The word was ‘star-wipe’. I don’t think it meant anything, but I do think the repetition was vitally important. I was caught in an endlessly repeating cycle, and the only way to stay inside and not slip away into oblivion (and what I thought must surely be death) was through this word. I kept it close. […]
There was another such moment, and here I regained control, I was able to reassert myself in the real world, to reclaim my mind as my own.
It happened while I was in the washroom. I believe I was curled on the floor, when suddenly I felt what can only be described as an awakening, or a profound realization. Suddenly everything was clear. Absolutely everything. Everything that had ever happened, that ever would happen. The why, the how, the who. Everything. I stood and felt the energy of the universe spilling through me. I was invincible. I felt I could flip a car or race against a photon. I didn’t have to eat or breathe or sleep. I could do or become whatever I wanted. The feeling lasted maybe five minutes – if that. Then it was gone, lost and forgotten completely, but for this abstract verbal communication of it.
22 Death and Transfiguration (Mushrooms – P. cubensis ) by f
I notice I’m not breathing. Holy shit, I’m dead. But I’m still conscious ; I still have a sense of self at this point. I try to move, and I’m told that my arm would hit the wall every now and again, but for the most part I’m stuck motionless.
10:05- I’m a musician, but I can no longer relate to music. Who am I? Am I? My sense of who I am begins to decay, very rapidly. I am nothing ; I am a particle. I am a soul?
10:10- Total ego death. I’d heard people talk about thinking they were dead, but this isn’t just death. My concept of who I am has been scattered as ashes are scattered. I try to move my fingers to no avail.
10:15- I see my body, but it’s just a body. It’s not me, but then again, neither am I. At this point, the body gets up and walks into the bathroom. I go with it.
10:20- The body vomits. I try to grasp for some sense of what I am, but it’s gone, I can’t find it, where is it? Was it every anywhere? I am no longer anything. This must really be death. All is over. Somehow, the body sheds its clothes and gets in the shower. Feebly, I search for some link to what I am. This stage of total ego death and loss of self lasted for apparently about two hours. It was terrible, terrible. Hellish. To be nothing is … I give in to my fate, seeing now that I may not make it back after all.
Multiple Consciousness and OBEs Mushrooms (Mexican), Salvia divinorium (2x extract) & Cannabis by Fane
I was in agony, my mind wouldn’t stop racing, female sex demons were talking to me, whispering, anything for a sleeping pill I thought. It was horrible, I think it was the amount of mushrooms that caused this. […]
In all, I felt the lesson I had learned was that, as most people see after knowing mushrooms, that everything was an illusion based on perception, but more then that I learned from the mushrooms that consciousness is a tapestry woven into perception. It’s possible to have layers of consciousness, and even to to have more then one thread woven onto the same layer. A truly amazing experience.
BUTANEDIOL (GHB) :
1 (+ MDMA Ecstasy) After only about 5-10 mins of taking the 1,4 BDO, the girls in the group (and a couple guys) started moaning and being unable to speak right and looked like they were in pain… but actually were feeling the best they had ever felt!!! I can only describe this first time in two words: body orgasms.
We felt like our bodies were orgasming all over and it was the most insane roll I had ever had, and I NEVER feel sexual on just MDMA alone, or even plan GHB with MDMA, so this was very new. This led to the girls just rolling around moaning for a couple hours. (No, nothing happened.)
After this began to decline, something else unexpected happened – I began to get very, very emotional and cry when the music was extremely pretty or when I thought about things like God, the universe, etc., and I did not do this on MDMA alone. The combo of these two substances seemed to open my mind and feelings up EVEN MORE than MDMA alone, and in a very positive way. […]
I have to say that I DO NOT LIKE most drugs because I do not like to feel ‘drugged’ or ‘fucked up.’ I have tried and will not ever try again many substances [….]
Unfortunately, for several months the 1,4 BDO + MDMA has not felt the same to me. I get talkative, more honest, energetic and want to dance a lot more than MDMA itself when I have the combo, but I no longer have such intense physical or emotional feelings… I am hoping that if I take a lot of time off from the substances that it might get back to the way it used to feel, but I have a feeling it won’t.
2 (+ Syrian Rue + Cacti Pachanoi) The trip has reached very intense levels. Keeping my eyes open becomes difficult because so much is going on internally. Recent life events are being reviewed from many points of view simultaneously, interspersed with bizarre visuals, such as a universe in which nothing exists but millions of smurfs running around in a black vacuum. When I open my eyes, the room is very strange – shadows are meaningful entities, perspectives alter instantanously, everything is weird. [….]
The closed eye visuals are weird… in one, a man is sitting in a bathtub taking a bath, only the bathtub is floating in the middle of a vast ocean. […]
I close my eyes and have a very intense closed eye visual. I see a San Pedro in front of me, very realistic. All of the sudden, it grows to enormous size – hundreds of branches going out in every direction. The branches are easily 2 feet in diameter, and 40 or 50 feet tall. This mega-cactus is strangely alive, and seems to move slightly. All of the sudden the face of an old man appears on the top of the main branch of the cactus, and its eyes look down to its ‘belly’, which swells then opens up,revealing a large sphere of stars – I realize I am looking at the universe. A voice tells me that this is inside me as well, and that what needs to be done is to take this core of my being and pour out its energy in the form of love. The voice asks me if I understand and I answer that I do – and the vision ends.
I open my eyes and sit up, and tell my friends that I have just seen God. We all laugh. Laughter is a dominant emotion all night – I say emotion, because it is laughter for no reason other than just being alive. We keep commenting on how everything is weird – and derive great joy from the inherent oddness of the universe.
1 Everything was pixelized […]After this experience my brain seems to have been ‘modified’ kind of in a weird way; we all noticed that over time, DOB made us more emotionally open to others and gave us a weird ability to ‘read’ people’s minds – I sometimes feel like I know what someone’s thinking and the weird thing is if I say it out loud I often hear ‘Hey, I was about to say that’. Go figure.
(2C-B includes Open Eye Visual (OEV) effects which are usually described as crawling, shifting, or undulating, or cartooning. Closed Eye Visuals (CEVs) are present and increase with dosage. Many report a ‘color shift’ where objects seem to have red / green halos around them.)
1 (My Cat’s Out of Body Experience 2-CB by Al) [….]At first we noticed that there seemed to be very thin lines that connected the stars. As time went on, the lines became more pronounced, and the sky looked like a lattice-work. And as the night progressed, the lattice-work started color-cycling in neon colors. The sky had become a kaleidoscope.
The Beauty of Nothing 5-MeO-DMT by The Dude652342345
After that, my thoughts ceased to exist, and my senses shut off completely. I could not hear, see, smell,taste or feel anything. When I say, ‘I couldn’t see’, you shouldn’t think that I was seeing blackness as a symbol of nothingness. I truly saw nothing. I ceased to have any memory of that sense. It was much like what a life-long blind person would see….NOTHING. Fortunately, despite the extreme sensory deprivation, I was still having a great experience. It almost seemed like I had a sixth sense that I could only access while on 5-meo-dmt. I entered a state of infinite bliss that was so incredible that it seemed totally impossible. I imagine that what I experienced is much like what Buddhists seek…Nibbana (Nirvana). The joy and ecstacy I felt was absolutely infinite.
I’m not sure how long I stayed that way, but I certainly had no sense of time. Then, the experience came to an abrupt halt and I sat up and saw the room and my friends. […]
So, that was my first 5-meo-dmt experience, but it doesn’t end there. In the nights that followed, I had incrediby vivid lucid dreams. They were so lucid that each time I had one I became convinced that I had died. The most intriguing dream involved an inner female psychiatrist who wouldn’t let me wake up unless I had a therapy session with her. This got me very upset. I felt trapped. But I accepted her authority and sat down to talk to her in a room that appeared to be exactly like my living room at home. In fact, the house we were in was exactly like my own home. The psychiatrist looked very much like Leah from Star Wars. She also had the ability to turn into large animals, mainly overgrown cats. She told me that I wasn’t crazy, but that I did have severe anxiety issues. In order to help me resolve them, she took me back in time to go through each and every traumatic incident that had ever occured in my life. I was actually put directly into those situations and was able to change the outcomes.
After that was done, we visited the kitchen where I got to meet myself as an old man. His name was ‘old age.’ We talked for a bit, but then I woke up right in the middle of the conversation. When I awoke, I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I usually have trouble getting up. This time, I had no trouble what so ever. I felt completely energized. I also felt relieved that I was still alive. Unfortunately, I felt that the dream had ended too abruptly. I felt like I still had work to do, and I was sure that I’d go back there the next time I fell asleep. To my dismay, it was never to be.
Still, I consider myself quite lucky to have had these experiences. I honestly think that the experiences helped me to become a better person. These life-altering memories will stay with me till the day I die. It’s a good indication that death is not final, and therefore should not be feared. If it wasn’t for these experiences, I’m sure that I would have become an atheist. Now, that can never happen. After these experiences, my belief in God has became intrinsic and intractable. My fear of life and death have been overcome. I’m now beginning to see what a beautiful universe we live in, and as long as I live, this faith shall never yield.
A Summary of Experiences 5-MeO-MiPT by Thaumaturgist
2-3mg (experienced 6 or 7 times):
At this dose range, there is a definite relaxing effect. Music of all sorts is more enjoyable, and an ease of fantasy is present. Mostly clearheaded and definitely easy to be out in public on – interactions with other people is not an issue. General relief from anxieties and a minor positive mood push is also present. A minor body high is also present and very pleasurable. It also opens up my airways and makes me want to breathe much deeper than normal. A general ‘stoned’ feeling is also notable, but feels much cleaner than cannabis. Visual effects are practically non-existent. Sleep after 5 hours is difficult, but possible.
4-6mg (experienced 2 or 3 times):
All effects from the previous range are amplified. The positive mood shift is still prevalent. Music and other sounds open up, causing familiar songs to take on an entirely new meaning as if being rediscovered. Visualization to music is readily achieved with eyes closed, and I often feel abstract impressions (such as when listening to one song, I could imagine clearly a flat surface that would occasionally push upwards in some spots as if a needle was poking from below every time a piano note sounded).
The relaxation turns into more of a mind-set than a body thing at this point, where it feels like a lot of energy is present and flowing. I’ll occasionally shudder from the pleasure and have a huge smile plastered on my face. Taking deep breaths often leads to this. Solitary sexual activities result in a very satisfying experience, with orgasm being markedly intense. No insight into life is gained, though insight and connections with people is sometimes felt. Particularly at this level, inspiration for art seems to occur, and while I normally work with black and white, this substance demands use of color. The stoned feeling from the previous level becomes much more intense, though public excursions still aren’t uncomfortable. No increased connection with or appreciation of nature is experienced as I feel on most other psychedelics. Sleep is difficult to obtain for up to 7 hours post-ingestion.
As far as visual effects go, they are still almost non-existent, though there was one notable exception during a 5mg trip. I was sitting down and out of the corner of my eye I saw a piece of string on the floor move. When I looked directly at it and it was perfectly still. I looked back the other direction and immediately the string was writhing on the floor – an absolutely clear OEV. I looked directly at it again – perfectly still. This was repeated with success until I lost interest.
12mg (experienced once)
As before, but body effects and stoning become strong enough that walking is a bit odd (though not difficult). Visual effects become apparent, with mild rippling on surfaces and mild color intensification. CEVs are not much more apparent than at the 4-6mg range, though are perhaps a bit more active. Positive mood-shift results in a permanent smile plastered on the face. Communication is not difficult. Sleep was just as difficult as previous dose range.
Specific to this experience, there were a couple of things of note. Extreme reduction of anxiety, to the point that things that would normally make me feel very uncomfortable were smile-worthy (such as a car slowing down to watch me and my group of friends walking down the street late at night). At one point, I walked past a very large oak tree that seemed to be radiating strength and power. I was very much in awe of it – it did not appear either friendly nor menacing, just extremely powerful.
1 Now for my personal report. The main aspect of this second trip was my long conversation with ‘Mr. Iboga,’ who appeared to me as a black man in a suit. In my initial vision, he led me up the stairs to the ‘Castle of the Bwiti.’ I was a 5-year-old girl in this vision, and he was holding my hand. Iboga gave me direct, telegraphed answers to my questions. I asked what iboga was, and the answer I got was: ‘PRIMORDIAL WISDOM TEACHER OF HUMANITY!’ Much of my trip focused on my personal faults, which were displayed in detail, and my anger at myself for being unable to correct them. The answer I got was ‘GET STRAIGHT! DO WHAT IT TAKES TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE SHIT!’ When I argued that it really didn’t matter, the answer was: ‘EVERYTHING MATTERS!’ – that I have no idea how important the smallest act or gesture can be. I was given insight in how to become a ‘spiritual warrior,’ by finding the right path and then refusing to deviate, not being deterred, no matter what. I asked, What should I do? ‘WORK HARDER!’ I also realized, ‘I am lucky!’
My sense was that ‘Mr. Iboga’ was a form of enlightenment mind, like the Buddha, who had chosen a different form, as a plant spirit rather than human teacher, to work with humanity. I asked if he would consider incarnating as a human, and the answer I got was, basically, ‘already did that’ – as if, in some previous cycle, he had passed through the stages of evolution we were now navigating. I also had the thought that ‘dimensions’ was too rigid a term for psychedelics, as well as everything that preserves a hard ‘subject-object’ distinction. More accurate would be to talk about vibrations and intervals and resonances. Iboga causes a loud ringing in the ears, and I thought this might be something like a dial tone, signifying a change in the frequency you are picking up. Is iboga a direct hotline to ‘GOD’ (Galactic Ordering Directorate)?
At one point, I also went flying through the solar system and into the sun, where angelic beings were shooting around the core at a tremendous rate. My intuitive understanding was that every planet and star has its own form of manifestation of consciousness depending on its level of evolution and vibration. We are the manifestation of Earth’s consciousness, its sensory organs and self-reflective capacities, at its present state of evolution. We are changing quickly because the Earth is in an accelerated state of transformation.
Some information had to do with what might possibly be (?) ‘previous incarnations.’ I thought of my allergies to cats and dogs, and realized (or was told) that what caused allergies was ‘fear of animality.’ The conditions for this fear is set up in one’s previous lives. I saw particular images of myself with two others as High Priests in tall hawk’s head masks, perhaps Babylonian? I couldn’t really identify the historical context, nor do I take this that seriously.
I thought about the terrible state of the world – saw images of possible nuclear war, sheets of red fire devouring cities – and the answer I received was: ‘GOD IS JUST!’
For a while, I also saw sickening images of ‘Grey Aliens’ landing on a post-cataclysm Earth, and herding hordes of suburban Americans into their UFOS (this narrative taken from David Jacobs’ book, The Threat). Later, when I went over apocalypse images again, the message was: ‘EVERYTHING IS SAFE IN GOD’S HANDS!’ This message, Biblically caricatured as it may sound, actually gave me considerable comfort.
What I took from this trip was support for the theory that iboga was, in fact, ‘The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil’ in the Bible. Its placement in equatorial Africa and its stern moral clarity make it the best candidate for this role. Its ‘primordial wisdom teachings’ on good and evil are not abstract, but extremely personal and direct. While not the most delightful experience, the iboga trip is one that I would recommend for most people. The doctor at the clinic says that their success rate for treating addiction seems to be running at about 50%.
2 I already felt like I was tripping hardcore, so I decided in my delirium to give it a little more time. I went to the bathroom and puked out the most vile orange stuff I had ever seen in my life. I felt there was a connection to my puke and my addiction, like something was being exorcised from my system. It was uncanny, something was happening, my mind went back and forth from the idea of a scam going down to the idea of a demon being exorcised from my being with a magic african root.
I went to my bedroom and laid down. I realized that something was working, I was starting to feel better, things got clearer and more lucid. I saw how a part of me that was scared to let go of the addiction was creating elaborate storyboards and acting out amazing plays in an attempt to remain addicted. I was amazed at how my mind could be trying to sabotage itself. I found it slightly humorous and saw the attempt as utterly futile. I encouraged that part of my mind to relax and let go. I had some other interesting visions during this time, but mostly I recall being inside my mind, seeing trillions of neurons, my whole neural network, the universe that I am. And then I saw that a part of that neural network was highlighted, it was signifying my addiction, but not just heroin, much more. And then something in my head said watch this, and slowly the pattern was being extracted, slowly pulled out until it finally disappeared in the distance. I was utterly amazed.
I must have awoke shortly after that. In my kitchen was this punk-looking dude, watching over me, making sure everything was going smooth, some dude that I had only met a week earlier. He was frying up some greasy potatoes. I was amazed. I saw a guy who was helping others by helping himself, an urban shaman of sorts, helping those who want help on the same path that he once walked. And then, like looking in a mirror, in him I saw myself. I saw that I was helping myself to heal myself. I said to him/me aloud, ‘thank you for what your doing, I think it’s great’. It was truly profound to me, so beautiful. I felt like I had just come back from a long lost vacation, I felt proud unto myself, like I was bringing back a treasured gift to the totality of life. I laid there awhile longer, amazed that I wasn’t sick, that I felt sooo good to be alive, I cried softly with much joy in my heart. The words ‘gentle but powerful’ resonated through my mind.
I stumbled out of my room and into the livingroom to the amazement of Chris. ‘What are you doing!’, he exclaimed, ‘you shouldn’t be up!’. ‘But I feel sooo goood’, I replied, ‘I feel alive again, I feel the magic, it’s been so long…’. We talked. I saw an old brother, like me, from the very beginning of time and space. I was amazed, right here in front of me, my forgotten brother, who was as ancient as I was. I loaded my bong with some fine herb and puffed. I looked about the room, I saw everything as ancient, just as ancient as me, every atom, every subatomic particle of it all, it was just that some parts had forgotten where they came from, what they were. I ate an apple, it tasted beautiful. It felt so good not to be alone anymore. I felt connected, connected to every little bit of this cosmos.
And then I felt it, shit, I SAW it. It took me by surprise. An ancient wave of consciousness percolating through and from everything, moving through our beautiful planet, our gaia. It spoke to me, but not in words, beyond words, it spoke from the very core of my being. It said that I have taken a long hard path, precious beyond imagination, but that I was done with that path and it was time to unite upon another path. This consciousness was a multi-consciousness, a uniting of consciousness. It said the time is NOW and that I was a part of this unity, this wave of consciousness, and that I had always been. It was healing/uniting, they were one and the same. I had always struggled with this idea of a super consciousness, but now it was undeniable, I felt it through every bone in my body. I felt synchronized, I understood it to be an idea that I would not only entertain, but nourish and propagate.
By this time I noticed that Chris had fallen asleep, surely assuming that by my super-ecstatic state that I was alright and there were no worries of me shedding my clothes and raving mad through the streets. I sat for hours, amazed at the marvel we call life, and then soon came dawn. I retired to bed for awhile but didn’t get much rest, still so intrigued by the wondrous beauty of it all.
I relaxed most of the next day. Chris left around 4pm and the other denizens of the house returned around 6pm. The next evening I boarded a plane for Mexico. It all seemed so superbly synchronistic.
Looking back, Mexico was one of the best things I could have done on top of the Ibogaine. It provided a place away from my normal space and routine, my old patterns. It helped to build new patterns and gave them some time to set in. I’m sure that if I had stayed in my old familiar place that it would have been much more difficult and challenging.
So now, 14 moons later, it feels good to write this story. It makes me smile at how truly magical life is with all it’s ironic synchronicity’s. Writing my story is also in part a completion of sorts and I hope an inspiration to others who feel they’re at the end of the road and ready for a new journey. Mucho Amor!
Additional Notes on Ibogaine:
Extreme auditory enhancement – I could hear the minutest of sounds over a very large range and perceive them all simultaneously. This lasted approximately 10-12 hours.
Mild visual enhancement – Vivid colors, more colors, edge detection, a classic tryptamine-induced visual perception of things lasting approximately 10-12 hours.
Ataxia – I definitely had coordination issues, walking took some effort and anything beyond that would’ve been difficult. This lasted approximately 36 hours.
Insomnia – For the following 2 weeks I slept little, a few hours at most in one stretch, but I felt good despite this, waking up feeling motivated and refreshed.
[…]And most importantly, but not always so obvious, thank you Great Mystery, for it is You/Us that made this all possible, I am eternally grateful.
3 Breaking Open the Head Ibogaine by Matthew
I was in for a surprise of a lifetime. After roughly fifteen minutes the room started to vibrate and I began to giggle. The pain of withdrawal has ceased to bother me and I began to concentrate on everything around me. I noticed my painting of Rembrandt’s “Philosopher Reading” to change shape and size. The philosopher who is reading a voluumous book began to change his seating pattern. He was switching his foot from left to right, nodding his head as in full comprehension of what he was reading. I thought that the whole trip was going to continue in these minor hallucinatory distortions. I looked at my stereo and saw the music emanating from it. The sound was deafening and overwhelming to my ears when I knew for a fact the volume was turned down quite low. The top of the stereo was emanating these volume bars, which were about a foot high. The bars were going up and down to the rhythm of the music. I was mesmerized and couldn’t stop staring at them. But another point caught my eye. The carpet was suddenly breathing very laboriously. The hairs of the carpet were half a feet high and swaying from left to right. This was very trippy and I panicked, realizing the whole experience was just beginning. But I didn’t have time to worry too much because suddenly the whole room was closing in.
All the walls began to move in. The front, the left side, the right side and then I felt the back wall closing in and that’s where everything exploded. I found my self in a large field staring at an opaque veil. I slowly approached the veil and passed through it finding my self in a vast field of electric yellow wheat. Next thing I know I’m in space observing our planet earth spinning round in a circle. I was so thrilled to witness this I wanted to stay there and contemplate the scenery, however an overpowering voice in my head made the following suggestion. “Why go exploring the earth where there is so much up above” and I found my self in the beautiful land of the dead. First thing I saw were two large tubes on my right side. One had an opening at the top; the other had an opening at the bottom. There were millions of shapeless luminous souls continuously passing from one tube into another. For some reason my first reaction was extreme fright but the next second I understood these souls are people who are dying and then going into a new life. All of a sudden I came to the conclusion that I was very familiar with this place. I knew this place well, very well; I’ve never known anything more intimately than this striking scenery.
I was enthralled. I recognized that reincarnation is a fact, and that I had to be born countless of times therefore the awareness of everything around me made so much sense. Our banal worry in this life seemed meaningless and ephemeral. I began to get very comfortable and take in the rest of the scenery around me. I realized I was standing on a little island that ended suddenly in a big precipice. Infinite space was encompassing my whole being. When I looked up front I saw another tiny island in the distance. There were more luminous beings of light hovering around, however I got a very direct impression that these souls were not from our planet. Their energy felt different, very positive yet very distant. They seemed to be much more evolved and since they were so far away I couldn’t relate to them. By that time I felt at peace and possessed an amazing sense of tranquility. Everywhere I looked I only saw light and love. The whole place was pulsating with pure loving emotions. I realized I’m staring in the face of God. It was ineffable. I was blanketed with so much love and a deep sense of oneness that I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anything else. I realized at that time we truly are a part of the universe. We are all one. We have to cultivate that love so we can get the full benefit of everything around us.
I also comprehended that with our emotions, with our energies, we create God or the Devil. I got a glimpse then of the whole universe revolving in a giant circle and I realized that there is no beginning and no end, its all a big cycle that we go through until we reach higher stages of evolution. I was truly mesmerized by every single detail. At that point nothing was holding me back so I decided to leap into the “rebirth” tube. I didn’t remember what life I chose but it seemed like an instant later I was coming out from the “death” tube and back in the “rebirth” tube again. I made that leap for thousands of times it seemed and now I realize that this process is eternal. It is eternal because there is no time in space. Everything happens at the same instant. The reason I was dying and being reborn the next second is because what seems like a lifetime here on earth, out there the concept of time is nonexistent. Unfortunately I don’t remember any lives I chose but I clearly remember one thing I saw while jumping in the “rebirth” tube.
I was suddenly confronted by very diabolical, grotesque silhouettes. I became scared and wondered how to get out of there but then I heard myself saying “these are just souls of people who had to be pure evil in this lifetime, doing god knows what, killing, raping etc so why waste the time and energy on this bullshit” and I jumped out finding myself at my beautiful island. Half of my ibogaine experience took place in the land of the dead. I got another very important lesson there. At some point while dying and being reborn I was standing on my island again and I saw my double standing in front of me, staring at me and laughing at me. He spoke to me in a condescending voice “see, look at all this, why kill yourself when we are going to be reborn anyway”. I nodded in assimilation and my double disintegrated into the hypnotizing void. This comment was due to the fact that three months before I tried to overdose on a pretty big hit of smack/morphine/oxy. I obviously wasn’t successful but when I recovered I knew the next time I couldn’t make the same mistakes. Next time I would do a quarter of an ounce and fuck all. If it wasn’t for ibogaine I know I wouldn’t be here now.
The next half of the ibogaine experience was very strange. I don’t remember getting out from my land of the dead, but the next thing I know I’m watching what looked exactly liked two film rolls rolling out of my eyes and variety of pictures unrolling from them. Then it changed to a huge screen with pictures coming from right to left. It looked exactly like the old movie stills you see with the edges all frizzled up. I saw many different pictures, which I still am trying to find the meaning to. I saw ancient civilizations, which we haven’t studied yet, burned villages, faces of different people, a variety of masks, and what was most impressing and made an instant impression on me was ancient Egypt. However I was convinced this was Egypt that we have never read about. I could feel the silky soft sand underneath my feet and I basked my body under the scorching sun underneath an incredible clear azure blue sky. I have never seen such a beautiful hue of blue. I got the feeling that maybe this was the beginning of this life on this planet?
At about this time I remembered the mirror and hoping to catch a glimpse of my future started to gaze at it. At first I didn’t see anything probably because the pinnacle of the experience was over. Then I saw a black beautifully painted face with red comatose eyes staring in his own mirror. He was staring in the mirror with a very serious, intent look on his face, clearly under the influence of Iboga. For some unknown reason I didn’t make too much of it and at some point I put the mirror down. Now I’m more than angry with myself for putting it down, but back then I didn’t know the immense importance the Bwiti place on mirrors. I wonder if the face I witnessed was me in another reincarnation? Or maybe when people ingest ibogaine at the same moment in time they connect to each other spiritually. They see others who are under the influence of this sacred substance?
The insight about my addiction was overwhelming as well. At some point I got the message that I could never stop using before because I was constantly looking for reasons to start, instead of looking for reasons to stop. And even if I did manage to stop using, ibogaine showed me I would begin again because I was convinced that junk was the solution to problems and the key to happiness.
This was my experience with a few other minor visions/insights about my ex girlfriend and other minor life experiences. For the rest of the experience I saw these strange patterns and then it all ended. However the next morning I was staring at my wall and clearly saw a family of black people squatting in the jungle, watching and staring at me. Then I saw an old wise ascetic Hindu contemplating on some rock formation. He was bold, tanned and had a white pallid beard with very prominent thin features. I wonder if that was me in a previous lifetime or will be me in a future life?
My whole trip began at 11:45 and ended at 6. I was immobilized the whole time. I was shaking uncontrollably and speaking was impossible. I managed to hold the ibogaine down the whole time in spite of strong urge to purge. At about eleven at night my dope sickness kicked in again and I was paralyzed with pain I have never experienced. I was literary going insane. I had no idea how to handle it. I was so far gone that I tore all my bed sheets without even realizing it when I did it. The next morning when it got light outside my bed was literary torn to pieces. When I looked at my legs I saw a cloud of steam rising up and it felt like somebody took a vice grip and was pulling at every vein in my body. I knew all the poison was coming out from my poisoned body. I have never experienced so much agony. This continued for about two weeks, each day being less severe.
For the first two weeks I didn’t sleep an hour. It was indescribable. All the long nights spend in agony without being capable of concentrating on a simple thing. The anxiety, the restlessness was beyond words. Now, past nine weeks after ibogaine I sleep no more than six hours a day. I wake up very frequently through out the night, yet I reach the REM cycle very quickly so I am somewhat rested. I have myriad of colorful, very vivid dreams, which I clearly remember.
At about the second-week period post ibogaine I got a sudden sharp pain in my heart. My legs, arms and lips began to get numb and my body began to shake. I was covered in a cold sweat. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I went to the ER and after six hours of waiting in paroxysm of pain I got admitted. They did an EKG, did an x-ray of the heart, took some blood but found nothing but a minor infection of some kind. I got home and my chest was still hurting but it was getting better. However after a few hours the pain returned. In the morning I went to my family doctor and did the same tests again. They showed some abnormalities so I was sent to do more tests, which revealed minor signs of danger. I went to see a cardiologist and he gave me a diagnosis of something or other. He basically said people get these exact reactions when they have a severe flu and their immune system is really low. What I think is that the ibogaine might have contributed to these palpitations, but largely it was due to the severe withdrawal my body was going through.
Now it’s over nine weeks and I still can only do so much physical activity before a sharp dull pain pierces my heart. Yet there is a significant improvement. So this was my ibogaine experience. I plan to take ibogaine in the near future to learn more about my self. Yet the next time I take a full dose of ibogaine it will be in Gabon with the Bwiti, which I know will be sooner than later.
Respect and Love. Matt
4 Shown Death and a Muse (2 People’s Visions) Ibogaine (extract) by Mars
GOD My guide helped me to purchase Ibogaine extract from an internet supplier.
My first main vision was a 20 year old man in a glorious city. I looked in his eyes, and I knew him to be God. He was of the race of the Gods. He lived in a modern city, together with an immortal family, and would mix and mingle with the mortals living in the city. There was a father, a mother, oldest son, a virtuous daughter, and younger son. There were the most incredible beings. The children all were constantly learning new things. The daughter was a super model. They spent a lot of their time in the cyberspace workstation, where a great deal of their conversations and interactions with everyone else occurs. There was often a retinue of other officials and other mortals, maybe 5 or 6, in the room as well. I experienced a mind boggling reality of the LOVE OF GOD, as I was adopted into their family. I started feeling inner confidence, a peace with self. My ego fled.
[…] (Michael Moore in the future becomes much more famous. Puts out two video games with Microsoft…The are mega big hits. Then he puts out a third, everyone goes into Cyberspace to play it for the first time. Go into the game…turn it on and you are in, along the Canadian west coastline with about ten other people when a nuclear war hits. )
[…] Anyway, the whole war was between the people trying to save Life against the people trying to exterminate it……[…]
Then as if on a computer screen, a picture of a door opens half way….the most exquisitely beautiful scene in unimaginably rich color is behind the door. God winks at me with a knowing look on his face. I start to laugh in the most beautifully happy way.. in utter amazement at the scope and nature of his plan. It was like he was saying…just trust in me…I have everything under my control. Even when it seems like to you that I don’t. Just enjoy yourself and truly experience life, for there is nothing to worry about. ‘So what about death?’ I said. God said, ‘I will show you death…then you will not fear it.’
I saw a death factory. It was hundreds of gingerbread men on conveyer belts. They could all move their little hands and legs. They were all labeled…some labeled alive and some labeled dead. There was a row of them labeled alive, then they would pass through a veil of light, then their label was changed to dead. BUT THEIR LABEL WAS THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE LIVE AND DEAD ONES. THEY LOOKED AND MOVED EXACTLY THE SAME. Then God said,’DEATH IS ONLY ONE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE. IN AN ETERNITY OF EXISTENCE, WHY FEAR ONE SECOND. The sting of death is the fear of death. If you do not fear death you will not experience death.’ I lost my fear of death.
Is Ibogaine an addiction breaking drug? I think a better discription of Ibogaine is a habit breaking drug. I was not a heroin addict. But I was an extremely habitual person, and had a highly addictive personality. My life before Ibogaine was in shambles. I smoked 2 packs of cigarettes per day, drank beer every day, and hadn’t exercised in years, always had to have some kind of high, ecstasy, valium, or grass…and I was ALWAYS broke. I was extremely neurotic, as I had an extremely abusive childhood.
After Ibogaine, I was kinda scatterbrained for a few days, but it seemed that I had this amazing evolutionary push behind me to fight entropy. I feel reborn, as if my character has been wiped clean, and I am able to write anything in as my attributes, and immediately make them who I am. It has been 4 weeks, and I haven’t even thought about touching a drink, drug or cigarette. I exercise for an hour every day. I’m not spending much money, except going out and buying some new clothes. I now eat healthy food, drink water or juice, write in my journal every day, keep my house clean, and read spiritual material at least two hours every day. I get up early, and go to bed early, and I am rejoining the church that I got kicked out of. This seems all kind of unbelievable, but I swear it is true…and I’m not exaggerating. My friends are all amazed. The week after Ibogaine, I decided I was going to build good habits to replace my lost bad habits. And it was relatively easy, where good habits were incredibly hard for me in the past. These changes, I feel were mostly because Ibogaine gave me self-respect, and because it took away my fear. I feel Ibogaine is a miracle, and anyone wanting sincere change and spiritual growth in their lives should experience it.
5 un autre type raconte son histoire. Ce n’est pas un « drug addict, et il se déclare en conséquence très sensible à l’Ibogaïne :
In a short while, I was mostly immobilized, a little shocked and uncomfortable by the feeling. Abe, noticing that I was starting to panic, urged me to embrace the feeling, to let go of any fear of it. Not long after he told me to do this, I felt as if I was drowning in an ocean of fear, but had finally let myself sink under the waves and, to my astonishment, I learned I could still breathe.
My first vision had some other back history from another psychedelic experience from years ago. In that original experience I was ‘tricked’ by my subconscious to fall asleep at the end of a long trip. I saw these gnomish creatures that were working with huge Victorian machinery, gears, chains and steam-works, causing giant eyelid-like steel gates to close. These gates weren’t just like eye lids, but were my actual eye lids, my mind was creating this vivid imagery and a feeling of heaviness to ruse my brain into sleep. When the gnomes noticed that I had seen them, they panicked and ran away giggling to the area right behind my eyeballs, where it was impossible to see them. Since they abandoned the machinery, the gates of my eye lids opened and I awakened.
This time, on iboga, the first vision I was treated to, started out with seeing an identical replica of my eyes staring back at me. Since my eyes were closed, it looked as if another head was fused to the front of my own and I was seeing a dark cave formed by the sockets of my eyes and the replicas. The cave formed by the eye sockets was tinged with reddish light; a redness caused by some unknown light passing through the blood vessels of my skin and flesh. It was very interesting to be looking, in a blink-less gaze at my own eyes, but soon my vision passed, transparently, through the eyes. I saw behind the spherical orbs of my eyes and saw the continuation of the eye socket tunnel, with the optic nerve trailing down into its depths. My vision followed the optic nerve down the tunnel for some distance, until I made out a pool of water, with the optic nerve tied onto a crude wooden bucket, floating in the well. Originally, my perspective started at a horizontal viewpoint but somewhere in the dark tunnel it switched to a vertical, bird’s eye view of the pool, since the tunnel never curved.
In this well of my tears, the original gnomes from my prior experience were lounging. Their eyes were closed, relaxing in the hot, steamy waters of my tears at the base of my optic cord. Abe had questions written to ask the spirit of iboga, but since I wasn’t expecting a deep experience, I had none. After my first vision passed, I opened my eyes and asked, simply, what I could do to best improve myself. It was a very basic, general question, but considering how strongly this iboga was affecting me, it was the best I could muster. I felt compelled to generate at least some kind of question. After I asked the question, I was shown my guide. His face was porcelain smooth, and matching white robes hung from the base of his head down to his feet. I mostly only saw his face, very close to mine. He spoke directly to my mind in a very subtle way, it felt like remembering a conversation, but it happened in real time.
The first lesson he had for me was that I needed to conquer my fear. So I was shown visions upon visions about fear, and how many human problems stemmed from fear. I can’t remember any of the specific visions shown to me in my journey, my guide explained (or conveyed) to me that the visions were for my unconscious mind, my conscious mind only needed to remember the theme of my lessons. So the first lesson was fear.
The second lesson was: love. My guide explained that love is the light that vanquishes fear. Not just the love of other people, but the love of doing things, like the love an artist has for painting. Again I was shown visions to back up my lesson. These visions all seemed to take a long time, although our sense of time was very skewed.
The third lesson I learned was stressing the importance of learning how to focus. Visions also followed this lesson.
The fourth lesson taught me how to extend my perspective. I am a fairly introverted individual with a low self-esteem; I live in my own little world and suffer from the constant thought that no one truly likes or respects me. This vision taught me how to extend my perspective to include not only my self as a lone entity but my self as a part of my immediate surroundings. I learned that I am one with my surroundings just as they are one with me. The further I could learn to extend my perspective, the better off my psyche and my general life would be.
The last of the main lessons stressed the importance of faith. I am not, by any means, a faithless person, but my scientific-leaning mind often has a fair amount of skepticism. My faith in self is severely lacking. I was told that I would achieve a much higher level of life if I could generate faith.
When the last of these visions was over, I asked my guide if I should engage in this certain business venture that Abe and I had been discussing. I was told that it didn’t really matter if I did it or not, but it wasn’t the centrally important aspect I could focus on. The guide then took me to an underground cavern, a very colorful and mystical place. It was the only vision that the guide was with me for, and one of the only vision lessons that I was allowed to remember with my conscious memory. The guide called out, and a small deformed boy came out of hiding. He was very young, perhaps two or three and nearly featureless. The guide explained that it was my writing muse. I should return to writing, and I would eventually succeed. Not just sci-fi writing, which was my long-neglected hobby, but children’s novel writing. But first, I had to teach my muse to write and he would quickly learn from my efforts and assist me in writing from the infinite wisdom and creativity of my sub consciousness. That was the final part of my main ibogaine experience. The rest of the visions were quite minor in comparison.
6 It was as though dreams were happening in my mind, and I could sense them but not quite see them – as though they were separated from the part of my mind that I was consciously identified with by a dark curtain. I’ve had this sort of feeling before, both under the influence of psychedelics and in other altered states, such as in the hypnagogic state.
My thoughts ranged all over the map, from that sort of personal material, to the evolution of consciousness, to how politicians distract us from important issues with spectacular trivia. At the point I was thinking about that, I remembered reading that people will have visions under ibogaine that seem to be about global events, but can more usefully be analyzed as a sort of dream, being symbolically about your own life (For example, someone might imagine a horrible impending war, but it could really mirror a conflict in their own psyche.) I started asking myself if that was true in my case, and thinking about how I might use these same sort of distraction techniques. Around this time I started getting a strange fluttering distortion in the upper left periphery of my visual field, and began to divert my attention to it to see if it would unfold into something more revealing. Then I realized that this was an excellant example of distracting oneself from more important matters. The next day, still thinking of this image, I realized that I often use intellectual thought as a way of distracting myself from a more direct confrontation with my issues.
7 After about an hour I started to feel a great pain in my heart, not unlike the pain you feel when you attend a funeral or hear of someone’s death. This feeling spread like fire all over my body and engulfed my vision. Soon, I was lost in a world of visions that were taking place far away, in many different parts of the world. The eyes of a million people were on us as we tried to function normally. Ibogaine seems to come over like waves of consciousness. We would attempt to get some water and find ourselves unconscious on the floor of the kitchen several hours later never having reached the sink.
[…]My friend was gone for two more days. We watched him carefully and he was sick often, sometimes screaming at the top of his lungs for hours on end. The pain in his voice was intensly evident with each outburst. After his experience, he told me that he really appreciated that I had done it with him, as if I had in come way, absorbed some of his pain through the experience. He didn’t touch heroin or crystal for the remainder of the semester and what’s more, we had many great experiences in a world we were somewhat unfamiliar with: reality. His words after coming down: ‘I’m just starting to find my place. I think I want to live.’
8 As I started to feel the effects of the drug I was suddenly seized with fear. I had taken a hallucinogenic which could confuse the dreaming and iwaking states, my adulthood and childhood, and in doing so break the cellophane between myself and insanity.[…]
I took drugs as an escape from a life which I found unendurable. I took drugs because I enjoyed taking them. The fixing ritual is the sweetest form of pleasure a man can have. The needle, the belt round the arm, the first feeling of the spike sliding through the flesh… The ecstasy of hitting a vein is incomparably pleasurable. Complete happiness is about to be yours. You hear the angels sing. You feel the kiss of God. The whole world is bathed in the luminous glow of entrancement, of contentment, of peace.
Those who have never taken drugs can’t understand this bliss. How could I ever give up? It wasn’t just the pleasure, it was my life. I had always been absorbed by the idea of the decadents – by those doomed visionaries, strutting peacocks possessed of an arrogant lust for life. I wanted to wear their outlaw colours. I wanted to share their fearlessness. Some see addiction as weakness. But for me it was a strength. It was the strength to lose control, to run counter to convention, to escape the banal confines of what I saw as bourgeois life.
Of course, the heroics couldn’t last. In the end, taking crack and heroin is about as glamorous as swigging meths. The irony of the drug experience is that it comes from an outgrowth of genuine longing, a reaching out for meaning, a yearning for transcendence and salvation, and it ends with sitting in a darkened room staring miserably at the wall.
I had wanted freedom, but all I had made was a prison. Just as I can’t describe the pleasure of drug taking, I can’t describe the dead end of loneliness, of abandonment, of the boredom that it led to. So I tried to give up. Then I gave up giving up. The relapses were endless and tedious and sad. […]
I had been reading about ibogaine for some years. And I think, to be honest, I had been put off it for the simple reason that I was afraid – afraid it might work. Who would I be without my addiction? If I kicked out my devils would my angels leave, too? Without my caricature to hide in, how could I find a disguise? I was frightened that I had become a self-parody – but without going to the trouble of acquiring a self first. […]
After an hour of waiting for the sudden drug rush that I had learnt to expect, I felt nothing. A little light-headed perhaps, but nothing dramatic. And then I shut my eyes. And that was it. Sudden images began to emerge out of the darkness like staccato flashes from a film screen. The first was a woman on a raft smiling inanely as she came towards me. I was sceptical at first – you’re not fooling me with this, I thought. This is not real. But then all my self-consciousness was swept away by the sheer force and intensity of the visions.
[…]Face pressed against a window, I watched my mother and my sister inside the study running round and round in circles. I don’t know who was chasing who, but even at the time I took it to mean something about their relationship, eternally unresolved. But I felt that there was nothing that could be done, that I couldn’t interfere.
[…]I was strangely aware I was not alone. I heard voices. They could have been simply manifestations of the mind, but at the same time I was aware of the presence of some sort of guide, the spirit of Igoba, the Africans call it. It comes to you as a teacher.
I wanted to swoop through the front door and into the house. It wouldn’t let me. It kept dragging me round to the side. ‘Everything you need to know is at the side door,’ it kept saying.
[…]After the trip, Hattie quoted Gabriel GarcÀa MÀrquez to me: ‘I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that the real happiness is in how it is scaled.’ This made sense to me. I have spent my life going for the hit, the big experience, the extreme situation. I have always needed a drama from time to time to remind me that I still existed. Was this telling me that I could discover beauty in ordinary things? That I didn’t always have to take centre stage, to be hopping up and down in an attempt to get noticed? I could slip back into my life through a quiet side door. My reading, for what it is worth, is that Iboga was trying to teach me that all men are ordinary men – the extraordinary men are those who know it.
[…]But all the time I was aware of some brooding presence – something that was waiting for me, something I would have to face. It was underneath the surface of everything, glowing away to itself. It was time to face my addiction. […]
And then suddenly I was in an opulent room. The sort where kings banquet in fairy-tale castles. I was waiting for an audience with someone – some god who would reveal everything to me. It was an utter inevitability. I waited, resigned.
Then the door swung open… and I walked in. I got up to meet myself. I walked slowly towards me and kissed myself on the lips. And as I did so the other me disintegrated, crumbled away like a china doll. I stepped forward to find it again. It was gone.
This was the end of the road. No more excuses. No more psychobabble. No more alibis. Father didn’t love me? So what. I’m a failure? Who cares. If you simply put heroin down you are avoiding the issue. It wasn’t the horse. It was the Horsley. It had been me all along
Well, now it was over. Now it was time to be a man. A junkie wouldn’t treat a dog the way he treats himself. And if I had ever believed – as I had – that people are far more interesting if they don’t learn to love themselves, then it was time at least to try and change. I expect that I can’t. I don’t know where I would be without grandiose self-loathing.
But the main thing I realised was the unbearable lightness of addiction. The ball and chain had floated off, light as a feather. It was as simple as the flick of a switch. You just put ‘No’ where ‘Yes’ used to be. So much of my connection with life had always been with the dark side. But throughout my trip I was aware that my death was always with me. I didn’t have to run around looking for it. I didn’t have to open that door any more. I wanted to ask Iboga where I would go instead, and I was shown an image of myself and my girlfriend with a child between us. I have never had a paternal stirring in my life, no desire to breed misfit freaks like myself, so I found this alarming.
[…] I opened my eyes. I guessed that maybe 15 minutes had passed. I saw the room through a veil. Hattie was sitting on the floor by the bed.
‘You were under for more than nine hours,’ she said. She told me that my trip had been one of the most acutely physical that she had witnessed. I had been shaking spasmodically, making weird breathing noises. My arms and hands had assumed infantile gestures for much of the trip.
[…]But after taking ibogaine I was overwhelmed with a feeling that something good had happened. I felt that my brain had been reset. Maybe it is a case of things having to be believed to be seen, but throughout the trip there was a buzzing and fizzing and popping in my head, almost as if nerve endings were being sorted, reconnected, cleaned and ordered into parallel lines like the ploughing of a field.
[…]I am cynical by nature. Spirituality seems to me to be a form of drug pushing. Our age is a hysterical hot zone of trumped up disorders, imaginary illnesses, panic attacks. We are abducted by aliens. We recall false memories. Truth wears a thousand different faces. Religion is an accident of geography. Nothing more. Nothing less.
My ibogaine treatment was the same. It can be interpreted according to any belief system. It could be reincarnation, astral travel, a shamanistic trip. For me it was merely a chemical substance that made me feel a certain way. And the way I felt was that I had been emotionally reintroduced to myself. It was as simple – and as complicated – as that.
Afterwards I didn’t sleep for two days. I burst into tears all the time. I think it felt like mourning. I was confused for a week or two. I didn’t recognise who I was. I used to be woken every morning with stimulants so that I could drift through the day on sedatives. But now what? Hattie had told me not to worry, to ‘find glory in dismemberment’. But I didn’t like it.
It is now more than three months since I took it. After a while I began to notice that I didn’t need as much sleep as I used to. Apparently this is typical. For most of my life I have been plagued by obsessive compulsive disorder. I have been a slave to endless rituals – touching and counting – all to keep control, to stave off the chaos I sensed inside myself. Sometimes these rituals were occupying two hours a day. And now they had all but disappeared. I still feel sad – a melancholy that is probably part of my character. Clean, my outlook remains deathlike, as it was on drugs. On heroin. Off heroin. I am essentially suicidal. But at the same time I feel centred and calm. And that’s new.
But the most extraordinary thing is that my craving for drugs has disappeared – completely, and yet in a quiet way. In the past I always came out of clinics with all guns blazing, on the so-called ‘pink cloud’. If I could take drugs like a demon then I could go straight like a demon. It never worked.
This time I feel I have replaced the habit of using drugs with the habit of not using drugs, but gently. The whisper can be louder than the shout. I don’t for one moment regret the drugs I have taken. If I had to live my life again, I’d take the same drugs, only sooner. And more of them.
But now I hope it’s over. I’m excited. It’s some time since I’ve been excited about anything except the arrival of my dealer. I’m not sure that things ever get lighter, it’s just that we become accustomed to the dark. But I shall try. Now I’ve tasted the bitter root of drug addiction, I’m hoping the fruit will be sweet.
9 A large enough dose is said by the Bwiti to ‘break open the head’. This it did, as I was able to interact with my subconscious mind or logos (collective subconscious), consciously. I felt I was in a pyramidal energetic exchange, where, I discovered, my guide (or conscience – that voice in your head that guides one’s decisions) is located to the right of me (a older male figure – my future self/ancestor?). This presence is located very close to me, and is an ‘independent evaluator’, in which I could be presented with an unbiased review of my actions/thoughts, past and present in a space of unconditional love and acceptance. Above me, in this pyramidal scheme, was logos, which is the storehold of information and creative imagery. To the left of me, I found what I think is the ‘watcher**’. This entity I can describe as an all-seeing eye (pupil only), a dark sphere. It is silent and seems to only ‘record’ my interaction with myself. This entity rests a couple of metres away from me.
[…] I only experienced hallucinations when I got home after purged all the material – the visuals were intensely electric, as if electricity was streaming into my field of vision ending in a rectangular block which was my direct field of vision. This subsided later (couple of hours) to trail hallucinations.
10 What I see with eyes closed is really quite remarkable — I see the earth as a film cel with an overlay and underlay. The underlay portrays a second sister planet which is connected to our planet through dimensions and is affected inversely to the events on earth. I have visions of Germany, 1940s and the pain inflicted upon those hated by Adolf Hitler. During this time of great revulsion on our planet, the sister planet is prospering, glowing with the birth of new culture, new life and peace, the gentle people as Samadhi, enlightened by their inverse Buddha, however ironic the thought seems. The overlay portrays a third world, and upon viewing all three simultaneously, they form a large triangle, with the three moons orbiting in synchronicity. The purpose of the third world is that of governing mind. Every action seen on this planet affects the situations on the other two planets and it is the job of this planet’s patrons to maintain equilibrium between the two. This planet is not host to humans of any description, but to any creature on either planet which has ascended beyond their physical form and opened their ‘third eye’, enabling them to see this planet housed between the stars. One thought entered my brain and brought quite an understanding to the situation. As Mahatma Ghandi once exclaimed, ‘There is orderliness in the universe’, and this, it seems reigns true.
[…] Out the corner of my eye I see horrible creatures, although I do not hear them their appearance is hideous — one-armed maroon beings with short legs and Picasso-esque twisted faces, contorted in exquisite spiritual pain.
[…]I have figured out these beings’ purpose of existence. They have seen that my third eye has opened and come as helpers for the reaper. They want me to work on the third planet helping to maintain equilibrium. ‘I’m not ready to go!’ I say to them, thinking my life would have been in vain if I were to leave this plane of existence now. The creatures acknowledge my state and promptly disappear. I close my eyes and see a vision of death, as portrayed in ‘The reaper and the Flowers’ (I forget the poet who wrote this) and see he has no desire to pluck me from the tree of life yet.
11 A strange repeating sound became hear-able in the back/bott of my head. The same sound you get to hear sometimes while conscious dreaming, or when you wake up at night.
12 To Heaven and Back Methadone & Ibogaine by Jasen
I started to get a little sick in the afternoon and S gave me my first dose of 1 gram of Iboga extract. I laid down and after about 1 hour I started to feel relaxed and more at ease with the Iboga, a slight vibrating sensation, knowing this was a very spiritual plant I gave thanks with each dose and asked for guidance.An hour or or two later I was given 1.8 grams. The vibrating became more intense, I felt a low pitch buzzing in my head and a vibrating in my body, very relaxing,..no withdrawals.
I was then given 3 grams an hour or two later, the low frequency type of vibrating became more intense, then I found myself in the jungle or somewhere similar. I was on a mat on the ground, there were 7 or 8 tribes people on each side of the mat, they picked me up on the mat and started wobbling it,…wobble wobble wobble,..side to side, I knew they were healing me. I was vibrating,..I saw my cells being vibrated, in my cells were dark blockages, little bits of black in these brilliant white cells, as I was being wobbled side to side I could see my cells vibrating more and more,..ummmmmmmm ummmmmmmmm ummmmmmmmmm, the blackness started to vibrate out of my cells, the dark blockages were being dissipated to the sides of the the cells then disappearing.
I was then given 5 grams, after a while there was like an explosion and I found myself on this round medallion type of thing about 8 feet in diameter, like a huge coin. I was spread eagled on this medallion and could not move, arms and legs spread out. One side of this medallion was a brilliant brilliant white and the other side was pitch black.
The medallion started to flip whilst going up, whov whov whov whov whov, then it stopped on an angle, facing up at about a 120 degrees. Then it felt like people put there hands inside my body, my bones from my back and then they ripped away with a crack, as this happened the back of the medallion which was pitch black, snapped away and even though I was still spread eagled on the coin, I felt myself falling into
this pitch black abyss, feeling of falling falling and at the same time knowing I was also on the medallion feeling safe.
The feeling of falling disappeared and I was still on the medallion, the medallion was now only a brilliant white, it started to flip again and go up, whov whov whov whov, making this type of sound as it went up up up. The medallion came to a stop and I was facing this most beautiful light,…love acceptance,..more than light more than love, I do not have the words to explain such a sight,..a vast light,..like a liquid love, so
bright so expansive. I was a little concerned and I was told, there is nothing to fear, face the light,..and as I did the light which was everything in that existence, there was nothing else, it started to move towards me and then went through me and ohhhh, what a feeling, I started to get champagne bubbles of light going through me, up from my stomach splitting at the base of my heart and exiting through my shoulders, shring
It was like I had to be cleansed before going any further,…like trying to mix 14ct gold with 24ct gold,..if one does do they taint the pure gold,..so I was smeltered,..purified so to say.
One of my brothers was killed about 2 years ago. As I was in this light I saw his head,..it was moving from side to side with like white flames coming off his head like locks of white liquid light, his mouth did not move but he was speaking to me, there was light coming from his eyes and from his closed mouth, like he was facing a fan and the fan was blowing his hair but it wasn’t hair, he said to me,’You cannot die, you simply leave your body behind and vibrate into another dimension, I am still alive, just in another dimension, if you want to honour my name, live life fully, and I will live through you until you come home..
The love coming from him was incredible, he was incredible,..so beautiful, I still see him clearly. I was shown I am one with everything, I felt it, I was told I can experience anyone that ever was or is, who do I wish to experience? I wanted to feel what it would be like to be Jesus, as I thought this, I was coming into a body from above this being of light that had white light as hair saddling his shoulders, as I entered this body of light I got this tremendous feeling of love coming out of my mouth and outstretched hands, like beacons of light coming from my hands and a tremendous feeling of love and compassion within and being sent out to the world, wow, I fell in love with love.
Pure and utter bliss.
As I woke up I felt as if my heart was outside of my body, it was turned inside out and twisted a little,..like a gene. I went to get up and as I did it felt like I would leave my heart behind if I moved to fast. Like my stomach would feel as you go down a rollercoaster. For the next 24 hours or so I had to cradle my heart out side of my body, like it was my hearts spirit. I would lay down cradling what looked like an empty space above my chest which I felt was my heart outside my body. It felt red raw, inside out,..twisted and it hurt.
After about 24 hours or so my heart felt like it was untwisting and going back inside me.,..then something started to fill my heart with what looked and felt like liquid golden honey, they filled it until my heart overflowed with love I could feel the liquid honey overflowing and trickling down, the feeling was so filling, the love I felt was more than I can describe.
For the next 7 days I had no withdrawals. My energy was non existent and I could not sleep. After about seven days I started to feel some withdrawals,.about 5%. Not sleeping was driving me mad, I was so bored.
13 Found the ‘On’ Switch in My Soul Ibogaine by allotrope
I am in the deepest part of the visions. I am having an intense communion with a spirit in the shape of a purple-colored, brain-shaped cloud of vapor, which shows me the interconnection of myself and all things in the universe. It must sound comical to read it in words, but it was the most profound and beautiful experience in my life.
[…]D + 3 hours: I am still lying down. I cannot stand, but I cannot find a comfortably lying position. My mouth is unbearably dry. I am focusing all my attention on breathing deeply because I am afraid I will not breathe if I don’t think about it.
[…]D + 7 hours. All the visions are gone. I am able to walk around now. I still feel like total shit. However, something interesting has started happening in my brain. I feel as if there is a distinct second consciousness inside me, and I can carry on internal conversations with it, asking questions, receiving answers. The other consciousness seems extremely wise, I sense it is another part of me that has never been encumbered by fears or doubts, perhaps the enduring intelligence of childhood that has been hidden yet growing for years.
D + 8 hours. This ‘second self’ phenomenon has increased dramatically. From conversing with this inner second self, I am getting tremendous insights, inspiration, uplifting. My mood is now euphoric, physically I feel lighter than air. All physical difficulty from the drug has now disappeared. No interest in food or sleep, too busy talking to myself.
14 In the Arms of the Uncontrolled ibogaine by Caspar
After about an hour I started to feel a great pain in my heart, not unlike the pain you feel when you attend a funeral or hear of someone’s death. This feeling spread like fire all over my body and engulfed my vision. Soon, I was lost in a world of visions that were taking place far away, in many different parts of the world. The eyes of a million people were on us as we tried to function normally. Ibogaine seems to come over like waves of consciousness. We would attempt to get some water and find ourselves unconscious on the floor of the kitchen several hours later never having reached the sink. About 3-6 hours after ingestion I was starting to come down and I was welcomed back into reality in the comforting arms of a good friend. My friend was gone for two more days. We watched him carefully and he was sick often, sometimes screaming at the top of his lungs for hours on end. The pain in his voice was intensly evident with each outburst. After his experience, he told me that he really appreciated that I had done it with him, as if I had in come way, absorbed some of his pain through the experience. He didn’t touch heroin or crystal for the remainder of the semester and what’s more, we had many great experiences in a world we were somewhat unfamiliar with: reality. His words after coming down: ‘I’m just starting to find my place. I think I want to live.’
15 Rebirth Ibogaine by Psychenaut
I start to wonder if this will be a visionary experience when these liquid smoke circles of teal and deep purple start to float into view from around the edge of my vision, condensing as they float into the distance.
This lucid pleasant experience quickly turns into fast moving vision of free association between my heart and head. I see a three 3 demensional black body that I perceive to be myself and within that body this ultra violet purple body which I also see as myself pulsing from that black body, pulsing through the head each time it comes further and further out until I break into this complete visual field, a dream reality that I’m completely rationally aware within. Visions of African jungles and shamans dancing around me, loving me, frustrated with me for not loving myself. In and out of perceptual paradoxes and emotional voids within me, getting closer and closer to the part of me I neglected all these years, my demons, my inner child.
One of the last visions I can remember is of a crocodile eye off in the distance that would peep in on me then run off when I focused on it. Finally I stood my ground, asking for this presence to face me, in the foreground a robed being appears with no face, just a void still I could feel it staring at me. I look at it’s directly back at it’s perceived focus on me and it fades.
For me this being was the part of me I wasn’t listening to, the part of me I was neglecting.. a perceived demon that only wanted my attention.. a feeling.. a thought that only needed to be nurtured and empathized with, within me. A child turned angry after years of its heart being stepped on and mishandled.
So I ‘wake up’ to the nurse coming in to check on my heart monitor and I realize the visions have stopped and I felt really good mentally even though my head was all a buzz
[..]I won’t say it solved all my problems or made life a cinch to deal with, it’s just helped me to find the strength and perspective to cope with life in new ways. Trying to share love and life in a social reality that is fundamentally based on exploitation is next to impossible but to once again see some hope that WE can start the process of healing together.. to find some sort of community that motivates us to embrace this woderful life and create a reality that reflects the beauty of life and each others potential is ‘priceless’.
16 Saved from Addiction Ibogaine by Lightofiboga
Then it REALLY hit me. The whole room started vibrating with a bizarre strobe light effect – it was like plugging your monitor into a 50Hz European outlet and having it go all funky. I started to get dizzy and retired to the darkened bedroom put aside for this purpose. I lay down and my whole body started shaking and twitching. It felt like being electrocuted, and I was convinced that I was going to die. Then, I felt myself rocketing upwards – quite unnerving, but because I had read about this in other people’s reports, I began to relax.
I closed my eyes, and I was floating in space past various orbs, some with dancing gods and goddesses, others with video screens replaying various scenes from my life. A beautiful naked woman came towards me. I welcomed her. But as she approached, beckoning me, I saw that she was covered in sores and grotesque scars. I sent her away. I knew that she represented the seductive temptation of alcohol and drugs, and I would not have it.
Then I came face to face with a young black man. He said he was the spirit of the Iboga plant. I asked him if he would rid me of my addictions. He said he would. I started shaking violently and I asked if I was going to die. He said no. I became nauseous and begged him not to make me vomit. He winked and me, said ‘we’ll see,’ and disappeared.
I saw the inside of my skull, dim and gray. Then, with a tremendous rush, it started to light up, from bottom to top. My vision zoomed in to four colour coded tubes. I knew that these were receptors for different neurotransmitters. They were filled with garbage. As the top of my skull finally lit up, a stream of little roto-rooter like nanobots went into the receptors and cleaned them out. Then some other nanobots filled each of them up with a cement like material, to varying levels. This was the ibogaine working to stabilize my brain chemistry to fix my addictions and make me happier.
With that, the visions stopped abruptly, as did the shaking, the nausea, and the inability to move properly
17 Powerful But Gentle Ibogaine by C.S.
saw how a part of me that was scared to let go of the addiction was creating elaborate storyboards and acting out amazing plays in an attempt to remain addicted. I was amazed at how my mind could be trying to sabotage itself. I found it slightly humorous and saw the attempt as utterly futile. I encouraged that part of my mind to relax and let go. I had some other interesting visions during this time, but mostly I recall being inside my mind, seeing trillions of neurons, my whole neural network, the universe that I am. And then I saw that a part of that neural network was highlighted, it was signifying my addiction, but not just heroin, much more. And then something in my head said watch this, and slowly the pattern was being extracted, slowly pulled out until it finally disappeared in the distance. I was utterly amazed.
[…]I loaded my bong with some fine herb and puffed. I looked about the room, I saw everything as ancient, just as ancient as me, every atom, every subatomic particle of it all, it was just that some parts had forgotten where they came from, what they were. I ate an apple, it tasted beautiful. It felt so good not to be alone anymore. I felt connected, connected to every little bit of this cosmos.
And then I felt it, shit, I SAW it. It took me by surprise. An ancient wave of consciousness percolating through and from everything, moving through our beautiful planet, our gaia. It spoke to me, but not in words, beyond words, it spoke from the very core of my being. It said that I have taken a long hard path, precious beyond imagination, but that I was done with that path and it was time to unite upon another path. This consciousness was a multi-consciousness, a uniting of consciousness. It said the time is NOW and that I was a part of this unity, this wave of consciousness, and that I had always been. It was healing/uniting, they were one and the same. I had always struggled with this idea of a super consciousness, but now it was undeniable, I felt it through every bone in my body. I felt synchronized, I understood it to be an idea that I would not only entertain, but nourish and propagate.
Additional Notes on Ibogaine:
Extreme auditory enhancement – I could hear the minutest of sounds over a very large range and perceive them all simultaneously. This lasted approximately 10-12 hours.
Mild visual enhancement – Vivid colors, more colors, edge detection, a classic tryptamine-induced visual perception of things lasting approximately 10-12 hours.
Ataxia – I definitely had coordination issues, walking took some effort and anything beyond that would’ve been difficult. This lasted approximately 36 hours.
Insomnia – For the following 2 weeks I slept little, a few hours at most in one stretch, but I felt good despite this, waking up feeling motivated and refreshed.
18 A Gift of Freedom Ibogaine by Linda Kay Scott
I remember observing all that was happening to me internally. I was standing in awe watching these African people take my brain and Chant MY life long addiction clean. My brain, my soul, my literally existence was all given a through cleansing. My brain actually shone with a brillance so bright I literally could not look for more than a few seconds at a time.
19 Scratching the Surface Ibogaine by Sugoi
I noticed that my thoughts were becoming quite bizarre, and that’s when I realized I was in fact tripping fairly hard. It was as though dreams were happening in my mind, and I could sense them but not quite see them – as though they were separated from the part of my mind that I was consciously identified with by a dark curtain. I’ve had this sort of feeling before, both under the influence of psychedelics and in other altered states, such as in the hypnagogic state.
The dreamlike thought that triggered my awareness that I was tripping was the following. I ‘saw’ two men facing each other on a city street, making eye contact. They suddenly jump in unison into a void – an infinate black nothingness. Just as suddenly they are back on the street, still making eye contact, at which point they run screaming in opposite directions.
I remembered reading that people will have visions under ibogaine that seem to be about global events, but can more usefully be analyzed as a sort of dream, being symbolically about your own life. (For example, someone might imagine a horrible impending war, but it could really mirror a conflict in their own psyche.) I started asking myself if that was true in my case, and thinking about how I might use these same sort of distraction techniques.
Around this time I started getting a strange fluttering distortion in the upper left periphery of my visual field, and began to divert my attention to it to see if it would unfold into something more revealing. Then I realized that this was an excellant example of distracting oneself from more important matters. The next day, still thinking of this image, I realized that I often use intellectual thought as a way of distracting myself from a more direct confrontation with my issues.
20 Pyramidal Energetic Exchange Tabernanthe iboga by Len
A large enough dose is said by the Bwiti to ‘break open the head’. This it did, as I was able to interact with my subconscious mind or logos (collective subconscious), consciously. I felt I was in a pyramidal energetic exchange, where, I discovered, my guide (or conscience – that voice in your head that guides one’s decisions) is located to the right of me (a older male figure – my future self/ancestor?). This presence is located very close to me, and is an ‘independent evaluator’, in which I could be presented with an unbiased review of my actions/thoughts, past and present in a space of unconditional love and acceptance. Above me, in this pyramidal scheme, was logos, which is the storehold of information and creative imagery. To the left of me, I found what I think is the ‘watcher**’. This entity I can describe as an all-seeing eye (pupil only), a dark sphere. It is silent and seems to only ‘record’ my interaction with myself. This entity rests a couple of metres away from me.
[…]After toxifying myself in this way, I needed a week to recover. It took me a month to get back to my regular operating standard. The spirit seemed to focus itself around my temple area around my eyes, which I felt as intense muscular tension. I see this as the spirit teaching me to relax my eye muscles – completely relevant as I publish for a living. There was another spirit teacher I interacted with on the mountain that day which seemed to try to teach me to focus my attention on my breath, which I did, but I wasn’t able to understand exactly what it was trying to teach me (maybe a language barrier?).
21 Mirrored Worlds Tabernanthe iboga by Peter
This is becoming quite intense now. A large component of CNS / peripheral nervous system stimulation is noted, as is quite a powerful nauseant. Due to the stimulation, if I forget to stay in control my limbs twitch, and I forget where I am. What I see with eyes closed is really quite remarkable — I see the earth as a film cel with an overlay and underlay. The underlay portrays a second sister planet which is connected to our planet through dimensions and is affected inversely to the events on earth. I have visions of Germany, 1940s and the pain inflicted upon those hated by Adolf Hitler. During this time of great revulsion on our planet, the sister planet is prospering, glowing with the birth of new culture, new life and peace, the gentle people as Samadhi, enlightened by their inverse Buddha, however ironic the thought seems. The overlay portrays a third world, and upon viewing all three simultaneously, they form a large triangle, with the three moons orbiting in synchronicity. The purpose of the third world is that of governing mind. Every action seen on this planet affects the situations on the other two planets and it is the job of this planet’s patrons to maintain equilibrium between the two. This planet is not host to humans of any description, but to any creature on either planet which has ascended beyond their physical form and opened their ‘third eye’, enabling them to see this planet housed between the stars. One thought entered my brain and brought quite an understanding to the situation. As Mahatma Ghandi once exclaimed, ‘There is orderliness in the universe’, and this, it seems reigns true.
22 – PTSD – The Quieted Rage (Ibogaine) by D.M. Smith
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a condition that has had limited progress in the creation of viable treatment options for people afflicted with this despair and rage inducing disorder. Conventional medicine has come up with no long-term answers to the problem, which not only has a range of dangers for the person who has PTSD but also for the society at large. Time magazine reported in the article WAR ON SUICIDE?, “While veterans account for about 10% of all U.S. adults, they account for 20% of U.S. suicides.” (Gibbs and Thompson) This is a startling percentage, 1 in 5 deaths caused by suicide are veterans of war. Another 1:5 ratio is important to note when discussing the burgeoning problem of PTSD, “Nearly 20 percent of military service members who have returned from Iraq and Afghanistan — 300,000 in all — report symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder or major depression, yet only slightly more than half have sought treatment, according to a new RAND Corporation study.” (www.rand.org) This study was the first of its kind to look at this epidemic in all branches of the US military, and its implications are terrifying. This is a mental health crisis that neither traditional psychology/psychiatry nor the VA and military leaders have provided any real solutions as the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan drag on. The situation is dire.
I went to the first War in Iraq in 1990-91 as an Army Combat Medic. It was given the catchy nicknames of first Desert Shield and then, when the US started the air assault, Desert Storm. After coming back stateside, I started to suffer from bouts of rage, severe depression, thoughts of suicide (one botched attempt with pills and a bottle of whiskey), and more and more self-medication with alcohol. When I was discharged in 1998, I was in college full time and had a supportive family and group of friends, but still my alcohol abuse and difficulty containing my bouts of rage and the aftermath of chronic depression was accelerating. I battled through and achieved some academic and personal success, earning two undergraduate degrees and one graduate degree, getting married to my longtime girlfriend, and finding my first adjunct teaching positions.
About 2 hours in, I noticed a very strange thing. I could close my eyes and see the room, not just imagine the room, but see every single detail. I kept opening my eyes, not sure if they were open already, to find every time I closed them again I would emerge out of the darkness with eyes closed into a clear picture of the room, details as fine as the buttons of the TV and DVD on the dresser, the folds of the curtain, my journal and tablet computer on the bedside table with a uncapped pen hanging precariously onto the far right corner.
It was only after I accepted this strange new ability, this closed-eye seeing, that the visions really started: swirling vortexes that would swallow me and spit me out into my past and future, movie screen images of both who I was at my soul’s center and who I wasn’t but through the sickness of experience had told myself I was. I was taught how to literally set fire to those images of the false me, the injured me, the manipulative me, the addicted me, and send the smoke and ashes into an ominous, dark black hole. Mr Iboga taught me how.
I called my ethereal guide Mr. Iboga, after many before me. I have also heard of him referred to as Dr. Iboga, as he offers awe inspiring healing to all that meet him. He was very real, palpable, and a being of obvious power and universal wisdom. He first appeared to me when my eyes were open or shut as an intricate wooden mask similar to the Thai mask I have over my front door at home but more detailed. Then he appeared to me as these eyes surrounded by white paint on pitch black skin.
The eyes were shocking at first, zooming in then out of my perception, wide open and intense. I had the feeling this was all in preparation for a direct face to face meeting with this plant spirit. I was right. Once I had acclimated to the onslaught of eyes, he appeared to me, a large presence with white striped face paint and an enormous feathered headdress. He would take me on a journey through the lattice work of my very soul, jump time and dimensions with me in a process reminiscent of Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol. I was allowed to see with intense clarity scenes from my life, moments of triumph and kindness, but more importantly times when I was monstrous and unkind…times when my PTSD reared its ugly head and I felt psychotically obligated to show the rest of the world my pain. I was shown also possible futures, outcomes both apocalyptic and serene, and I knew in those moments Mr. Iboga was showing me not simply my pathways through time, my life path, but the choice for us all to live in the light or perish in the darkness.
I understood in that moment that my fear had put me off the path towards the light, that all engulfing fear that possessed me with thoughts of worthlessness and suicide had become my temporal vehicle into a dismal and deadly future that wasn’t going to stop until it tore me away from every bit of love and light I held in the core of my heart. Mr. Iboga showed me how to open the door of this vessel of doom, how to send it careening into the abyss without me, and at the end of my arduous journey, 31 hrs. in total, how to let go of my affliction.
As of the writing of this, I have had no PTSD attacks, triggers have become inert and without the power they once held over a fearful me, and I am by all accounts a brand new man. My wife is now pregnant with our second child, my outlook on the future is no longer desperate and despairing, and I am enjoying life outside of the constant threat of that all-encompassing rage that defined more than half of my life. The rage has quieted, the memories of trauma not frantic specters choking my present life with guilt, regret, and horror, and thanks to this powerful plant medicine, Mr. Iboga, and the wonderful providers and medical staff that worked with me. I am finally free of PTSD .
Defragmentation and Factory Restore (Ibogaine, 2C-C) by Morninggloryseed
As soon as I swallowed it, I finished preparing around my bed for a long night…found a long selection of Bwiti music looped to play indefinitely, then turned off the lights. No sooner did I do that, the experience began.
Suddenly, I was no longer in the room on the floor. With eyes closed, I could see shades of green that gradually became a discernible forest. I was traveling down towards the canopy of the trees, now past them and I approach the hills and valleys below. There were hundreds of people, maybe more, down there singling and drumming, and praying, and creating this energy that echoed and reverberated from everywhere around me. I was part of this huge ibogaine divination, there to experience it as one of the tribe. There was little time emotionally to reflect on this remarkable transformation of time and space.
Soon with eyes closed, I began to see masks and faces of people that I assume were Bwiti initiates. The images became more rapid and more detailed. Soon, the images changed from masks and faces to scenes more familiar to me. I was now a part of this inner show, instead of an observer. Sadly, the content of these visions is still completely fresh but I am at a loss to try to describe this phase of the trip. Gradually things began to intensify and the energy and buzzing began to light up all existence. Is this redemption? Is this forgiveness?
1 (A. colubrina + champignons + syrian rue) : Sometimes when I turned my head my vision visual field was not following at the same speed. If I looked something on my left, then turned my head to the my right, the left-vision I had maintaind itself on my visual field, with some parts of it blowing into very little mosaics pieces, then my vision accorded to my visual field, it was very strange. In the darkness, my visual field was filled with colourfull, VERY COMPLICATED elaborate mosaics, with still those so tiny pieces. Sometimes it was not coherent going everywhere from anywhere, other times, it represented NAZCA-like drawings or kind of big monstruously deformated gods’ faces (Latin American style, but with some thing different, something VERY OLD, even PRIMITIVE !, not in its shape, but within the energy coming out from them. Music was still running, but sooo speedly, the rythm was considerably accelerated, as the voices were, how strange !
[…]The day after, I woke up in an inabitual state of mind, Sure I was physically tired, but I felt strange like I would have been disconnected from some levels of the reality surrounding us, It’s not easy to describe. I was considering things and events coldly, with no feelings (good or bad, lovely or awfull) no point of view, i was seeing them just as they are, not how, why, with which goals, etc. Only they are parts of something very big running and which has to run without feeling, or if it has some, it’s of another kind unreachable to human being.
1 Dr. Holmes [of Harvard Medical School] inhaled ether at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce mystical or ‘mind-expanding’ experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
‘I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the knowledge of a cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. The words were these (children may smile; the wise ponder): ‘A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout’
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Mechanism in Thought and Morals, Phi Beta Kappa address, Harvard Univeristy, June 29, 1870 (Boston: J.R. Osgood and Company, 1871).
2 by Universal U In this area we sprayed the ether into the rags and began huffing. My other friend did not huff which turned out to be helpful later, but back to the story. After about a minute everything I saw became very glossy and soon i was higher then I’d ever been in my entire life. My friend who was huffing with me stared acting very strangely I merely became confused. At this point I realized he was the devil. Which is stange becuase I’m an atheist. But I became convinced the devil was trying to kill me and just as i was preparing to do something about it the ether kicked into high gear.
First i will tell you what my friends saw during this period of time. They noticed me twitch a little and then fall to the ground. After a while they started to worry about me so the one who was huffing poked me. I quickly got up and tackled him. Then started running after my other friend trying to tell him something. After a while I calmed down and told them what I’m about to tell you.
Here is what I saw. First I realized I was the universe and all this time I had just been playing a trick on myself. Nothing truly exsisted except for my thought. In my mind I just kept falling and trying to catch myself however this was impossible. After a few minutes of this I started to come to. I saw my friends, but I couldn’t move. I WAS DEAD! He was the devil, and he had succeeded in killing me! At least I thought that. I thought I was a ghost so I would go right through him. So I attacked my friend. At this point I knew I wasn’t dead. And that’s when I knew everything. Literally everything. Thats why I tried to chase my non-huffing friend so I could explain everything to him. But at the exact second I caught him I forgot.
ANADENANTHERA COLUBRINA :
1 I sat with swollen nostrils as bright sensations started to match the sharp pain with closed eye colour play. My eyes streamed tears down my face, my body gained more feeling, more weight – but my head felt light. A space opened up with tessellating colour changing walls generating a sensation of looking out into a vast rectangular room. They rushed either side of me while thin bright squiggly lines poured thru me. I enjoyed a spectacular horizontal showering of strange shapes then suddenly puked, letting out a groan that felt amazingly good. I vocalized AUM type noises for a while; they brightened the visions and brought heightened sensations to my body. My thinking process was completely normal but was engaged in a dialogue with the felt presence of the snuff – I opened my eyes for a second and saw one of my paintings shifting around, then it thought in me: “He likes painting, let’s show him ours”.
Eventually I was left in a black void where suddenly I began to feel completely free, enlightened, and as if my body was pure energy exisitng in a void. […]
One extremely interesting fact is that most of the details of the dreams are completely accurate to some part of my reality, but then there is always a strange anomaly thrown into the mix which causes the almost spiritual experience or insight. Keep in mind I have repeated this many times and have always had these same strange yet very welcome results. Also, instead of waking up tired, I now wake up refreshed and happy instead of not wanting to get out of bed like I used to do. […]
Once again, we spend 1/3 to 1/4 of our lives asleep, make the most of it.
2 (+ Syrian Rue) I decided to lay in bed so when my roomates came home they wouldn’t see how fucked up I was. As I lay in bed the twtiching got more intense.
I had weird conversations in my bed with a female my age who was not even there. But she was. I don’t know what we said to each other, but it was more rhythnic than logic. I could feel her lips and skin and we had an exchange of sexual energy. I cannot recall intercourse but an intense orgasmic electrical surge that left me breathless. We then cuddled in a weird vibration and I was carried to a different realm. There were people walking all around, none I ever saw before. They taught me things I can hardly remember. At that point there was no way to determine how long the trip went. I was shown pieces of my current life and where I succeeding and where I was failing.
3 (+Valerian) My dreams were so vivid I Cannot believe they were only dreams. I traveled a lot. All 6 senses were intact. I could predict what people were thinking. In one instance I was in an orgy with two females that had colored hair. As soon as we were finished I felt a bigger presence. I saw a shadow from behind us, and turned around. A very tall man with a weird high-tech outfit who claimed to be the devil commanded me to leave. I told him to go to hell, and he said this wAS hell. I laughed as he made flies cover me. Next he grew in size and was almost transparent in the scenery like he was superimposed. The whole realm blew up as I awoke.
Love, Truth, and Ecstacy MDMA (Ecstacy) by Lux
I was totally aware of what i was doing but at the same time, I didn’t care, so filled with joy and happiness, My body moved how it wanted to. I looked at people’s faces. I loved everyone.
Temporary Remission of Stutter MDMA (Ecstasy) by HeatGuy
I have noted that when I take MDMA, my stutter, which I have had my entire life completely and utterly dissapears for 4-8 hours. The only time I have been fluent in my entire life has been on ecstasy. After 30 years of stuttering, MDMA has allowed me for the first time be able to say whatever I want, whenever I want, to whomever I want. It’s a pretty profound experience one doesn’t soon forget.
I have also read other accounts of this on the internet. So clearly there is some mechanism involved that allows an ordinarily non-fluent individual to suddenly be able to speak fluently. I can only hope someone in a position to use this information reads this and I also hope this thread helps spur other individuals with similar experiences with stuttering and mdma to report here.
The Mond of the Organism MDMA (Ecstasy), Nitrous Oxide, Cannabis & Alcohol by Rodney
my mind entered into an advanced state of thinking. I began to feel that the entire world we know is only an illusion of a greater truth and design. As this happened my state of conscious began to open into what seemed to be true existence without regard to emotions or desires. While in this trance state I began to merge all the areas of knowledge known to me. I mixed western science, cosmology, Buddhist philosophy, western atheism, and Islamic thinking into a single hegemony of thought.
I began to see the entire human species as a developing chemical compound that is organizing into a living organism. I began to see that religion and political ideology is the mind of the organism. I began to realize that depending on what state of consciousness or ideology humanity accepts will be the life cycle and function of the organism. Then I began to realize this is the illusion of reality the Buddhist talk about. Different religions have called this evolving organism different things. Jesus called the organism the body of Christ.
I then began to see history with a different view. Nations falling and nations developing are actually different parts of the organism establishing itself as the equivalent of organs. Nazi Germany was actually a part of the organism that tried establishing itself as the brain but the other parts of the organism did not recognize it as the brain because the physics of the earth were not in submission to Germany.
I then realized the true nature of the system of Islam. Islam is a program that’s entire purpose is to design the organism. The Mosque is the think tank or brain of the organism, where all politics and economics are discussed. The Quran is actually the physical programming of the organism. The Quran is the social equivalent of DNA. It is a health standard that regulates every area of the organism and ensure that the organism never destroys itself but only destroy the “parasites” or “infidels” that seek to harm the overall benefit of the organism.
I could not leave this state of thought. My friends tried to get me to rave with them; but I did not have any desire to party. I lost interest in everything around me and began to write all the ideas that came to my mind. During this entire time I did not leave my trance, but wrote for three hours straight. I would have continued to write more but the drugs in combination with the emotions I was experiencing made it too difficult to continue. Around 3:00 am I smoked enough marijuana to allow me to relax and lie down.
I believe it was the combination of drugs, alcohol, summer heat, and the unfamiliar environment that created this unusual state of conscious in me. It took one week for my mind to get back to its normal state and even now the psychological impact is with me. This experience was in every since spiritual but just as dangerous as it was spiritual.
The Secret of Now: A Simple Teaching MDMA (Ecstasy) by Disciple
what once was known can again be found. […] Taking the teachings of this aqueos soul, I turned away. Though the fish and I had been constantly aware of one another and all we felt, it did not attatch to our contact as I have done. It turned away, twitched slightly and was then, again a simple fish. Part of me desired more knowledge, right then, right there. But this is a childish, fanciful ‘want of it all, right now.’ This is a part of me that is falling away. […]
Detatch from what you call known to yourself. Experience without comparison. Occupy with what the world has to offer you, right now, worrying not about future responsibilities or past dissatisfactions.
And though this fish’s teaching lasted no more than a half-hour, I took not the fish, but it’s lessons with me into the night. Rather than having a burden of some new knowledge, I simply knew truth. I will do my best not to remember such teachings, but to know them. Dissolution of body was what was achieved for both the fish and myself. Rather than the body exclusive focus extasy has been popularly stigmatized with, I truly believe that MDMA offers the mind what the mind has forgotten.
A Great Revelation DXM, Nitrous Oxide & Inhalants (Chloroethane) by Alkaloidaholic
I completely blacked out and was placed into the awareness of myself as a child. The same imagery and memories kept repeating. I usually see pictures of my childhood while on nitrous but not this vividly and not this far back. I heard a voice say ‘is this what it takes to wake you up!?’ A bright white flashed and I was tunneling and spiralling back to a semi-aware state. I heard the other people at the party trying to wake me up. I thought I was dying. I screamed really loud then started crying. i finally came to awareness. It felt like being pulled out of a pool after nearly drowning to death. The spirit of nitrous oxide told me that its time to retire
Crohn’s Disease Cannabis by Waters
I have been diagnosed with Crohn’s desease in 2005 (snr year of highschool). Though I have medication, Asacol, my stomach would never be settled and I would have to run to the bathroom several times a day. I felt like a prisoner of this disease as I could only eat certain foods and go to places that had bathrooms.
I started smoking weed frequently in college and noticed that it would take away my stomach pain and even settle it. I began to smoke it every night around 1 or 2 am to sooth my stomach for the following day and it worked. For the first time in over a year I was able to go about my day in a normal fashion due to the weed I had smoked in the early morning.
Is it a cure? no, but it certainly helped me cope with eating disgusting campus food.
Relieved My Grandmother’s Legs Cannabis by Herbal Healer
I’m going to keep it short. My grandmother was luckily able to get from one of my dealers a 750ml bottle with cannabis stems and leaves and rubbing alchohol. I also saw some garlic in the bottle.
Well, my grandmother for as long as I can remember has been complaining about pain in her knees. Every time she would get up and walk you could feel her pain because she would let you know. The first day we got that bottle, I applied it all around her knees, both front and back, and in fifteen minutes we were walking around the block with great relief. She says there’s still a little pain in the knees, but it relieves all muscular pain and most of the knee’s pain.
SALVIA DIVINORUM :
Many, Many Lives Salvia Divinorum (20x Extract) by Turning
In the last year, I have developed a real interest in Buddhism, conducted a great deal of reading and began to meditate every day. For some reason, I stumbled across Salvia on line and read thru many accounts of its use. When I read about how it was supposed to be conducive to meditation and may lead to insight, I decided that it might be helpful to give it a try. I had a fair amount of experience with psychedelics during college.
In fact, all that I remember is a kaleidoscope explosion of thousands of pinwheel patterns. Like thru a kaleidoscope, if I looked at the individual pieces of the pattern, I could recognizes that they were the steeple of a church that I lived next to when I was 5 years old and hadn’t seen for over 33 years.
I became aware of the fact that I could travel into the edges of these steeples and it would lead to a whole new reality and an entirely different life. As I peered into these edges, it was like a video would play snippets of the scenes in a life – knees, hips, a room, faces. There were thousands of millions of lives. At the end of some scenes, a deep authoritative voice would say, “Wrather, wrather, wrather”. I did not understand the word at first (or the idea of language), but then realized that it was saying “would you rather”.
Somehow, I knew that I could go into any of these realities and it would become my own and would begin to make sense as a full world to me. I understood that if I chose any of these, it would become my new life – memories would return to me from that life and I would simply “come down” there and pick up living that life. […]
In fact, I did not know where to find my old reality. It was somewhere lost in the countless lives flashing in front of me. I couldn’t even remember which one was my reality. I couldn’t remember who I was or what my life was like – I had no idea if I would recognize it any better than any other reality. “Wrather, wrather, wrather, wrather” […]
But, the pattern just kept on coming. It was like I had moved to the side of it now. The pattern was flipping at me like the pages of a book with more and more lives on rubbery orange sheets. I was completely lost. I began to panic that I was never coming down. I was panicked that could not find my old reality. Every image had something familiar for me to latch onto. I knew that I could assume any of these lives before me and it would come to feel completely normal.
Finally, I latched onto something that looked familiar and comforting. I had to fight my way back into that reality to see what more was there. It was a struggle to stay in that reality with more and more lives flipping at me from a book that was so full of lives that it was round like a rolodex. I saw more familiar things and then lost them again. I fought back and saw more. […]
Even now, the next afternoon, I am not entirely sure that this was my old life or if I chose a new one during this experience. I am sure that if I saw something that looked familiar in any of the lives that I was shown and fought to go there like I fought to come here, I would be there now and it would all make as much sense, be full of memories and be as normal as this reality. There is no essential self.)
In this reality, only 10 minutes had passed and I was, somehow, pacing around on the other side of the room. I had no memory of moving away from the window. I was drenched in sweat. As the memories of this reality flooded back and things began to make more and more sense to me, I just wanted to turn on the light and get back to normal.
However, the book of lives kept on flipping at me in the back of my mind. Sometimes, visuals of it would come back. I became afraid that I would hurt myself and that I would not move from where I was pacing safely back and forth until it was 10:15 and I came down a bit more. The next 5 minutes passed like an eternity as I began to remember this whole life. Thinking back on what I saw, I started saying to myself over and over, “Many, many, many, many, many.”
Slowly, I was becoming more capable of rational thought and understood that I had been catapulted into a terrifying vision of Samsara, the endless cycle of birth and death. I was looking at my origins, my future and the whole of the endlessly and violently changing universe. There is no such thing as the essential self. There is nothing but everything, every form is temporary and endlessly changing. So, what was “I” could assume any part of the universe, any life and play that role perfectly normally. “I” was only here in this reality for a while and then I would go back to this wheel and assume another reality some day.
With this, I breathed and realized that there was experience outside of this cycle – that I could pull away from it a bit. I could not see what was outside of the wheel, but I realized that the vision didn’t need to completely occupy my experience, at some time, I could turn away from it and see else was there. […]
According to the clock in the room, only 25 minutes had passed.
Walking From Arm to Arm Salvia divinorum (purple extract) by Alptraum
I lost all connection with reality. I essentially got ‘lost’ in my second hit. I suddenly felt as though God himself had played a cruel trick on me, and that I had been like this forever, and I was destined to remain in this state of nothingness until I died. There were instant feelings of dread that nothing in my life could ever compare to, but as quickly as they had appeared, they drifted away […]
Was I destined to move back to my right arm and into the living room again, for all eternity? Would time only progress by seconds as it had after what seemed like 10 minutes?
Scary Second Time Salvia divinorum (10x extract) by ChRoNiCk
don’t remember much if anything from the beginning, but when I became aware I was in my room again. Again, even in the pitch dark, I was able to see my whole room. This time there were several entities in my room, my guess is they were smelves. They were busy working, I think rearranging furniture or something like that. Then I realized that in the corner of the room that I was in, the walls were lowered, so I could see over the top. And this is where I got scared: my room was no longer in my house!
It looked like my room was in some big convention room, filled with other rooms like mine. The smelves were still busy, and I started yelling at them. I don’t remember exactly what I said, or if I really said it, but I asked them what they were doing, why they were doing it, why me, etc. I remember sitting up and leaning over towards my couch and telling them that it was my room, and to stop. Then I started thinking. Usually, when I find myself in a psychedelic state that is scary and too intense for me, I can calm myself down. This time, no. I knew that smoking the salvia had done this to me, but the thought that things would go back to normal never crossed my mind. I thought I was in some kind of twilight zone, never to return. I was soooooooo distressed at the prospect of never getting my life back.
Being Tortured From Beyond Salvia divinorum (20x extract) & MDMA (Ecstasy) by Ellis Dee
the next second I was in a strange world where I was surrounded by millions of people. They all looked exactly alike and they were wearing all white clothing with red scarves wrapped around their necks. They seemed intrigued by my presence, but not surprised. They gathered around me and I started to get very claustrophobic. I could see in this strange salvia world that I was near the bed I had been in before I smoked. I desperately tried to scramble back into the area of the bed because I recognized it subconsciously as something familiar. As I crawled towards it, the weird salvia people got right up in my face and kept repeating ‘You can’t do that here, only we can move around.’ As hard as I tried to move they kept restraining me in different ways. For instance, one time I finally started to get close to the bed and then I fell through a hole in the universe and fell back into the room through the ceiling. I was, predictably, on the other side of the room from where I had been going.
There was also a lot of space distortion during this trip. I would be trying to walk on the ground and then suddenly I’d be on the wall or the ceiling. The people kept taunting me, but in a really sinister way. Imagine you were in a world where everything you said was right, but all the millions of people in the world agreed that you were totally wrong. How can you talk to such people? I’ll never forget the evil looks on their faces.
Soon the millions of people became a maze that I had to get through. A maze of people is trickier than it sounds, however, because the maze is constantly changing as they move. People would try to grab me, tackle me, yell at me, argue with me, etc. By this time I realized I was never going to get back to the bed I had started at and I started to freak out a lot. The people around me slowly evolved (devolved?) into living things made out of edible clay that started breaking off everywhere as the trip continued. I got an overwhelming feel that the world was going to end. Before I could mention it to the people around me, however, they all started repeating ‘Only YOUR World Is Going To End’ over and over.
Shot Through Time Salvia divinorum (20x extract) by Marc
the entire front side of my body felt like it had pressure against it, a pretty hard pressure, which made it hard to breath, like something or someone was on me/ pushing on me. I remember not liking it at all, and just wanting it to go away. […] I wasn’t hallucinating (blurry vision though), just everything looked as if I hadn’t seen it before, just like as if it was my first time being in that apartment. Just visually though, I knew I had been there before, and recognized everything individually, just seeing it was altogether weird. Like being away for a long time and seeing it all again, but I can’t compare it to anything I’ve felt before. […]I seriously have no memory of what happened between blowing out the smoke and suddenly standing up in confusion. It was almost like being launched from a cannon, or into another world, where I had no consciousness, and then suddenly being thrust back into the real world. I like to compare it to being launched through time as the time from standing up, and going to bed only lasted maybe 2 minutes at the most, and the time from taking it standing up seemed maybe like either 100 years, or like 4 seconds, but 20 mins had gone by on the movie. It kinda made me think about being physically pushed through 20 minutes of time, compressed in 4 seconds. Now imagine what that would feel like on your body and your mind. A friend of mine who did a big hit like this once, said he was standing there, and people looked/felt like they were moving by him and mach 5, when really they were just walking by him normally.
All That Is Salvia divinorum (10x extract), Cannabis & Psychiatric Medication by Silliamii
As I exhaled, I suddenly ceased to exist. I can remember it, but I was so far divorced from normal conscious experience, that I can’t get my mind to wrap around it. It was a place and time without any normally perceivable objects or events. It appeared that there was light, but that is just my description. What I perceived was not related to physical reality, so there was no timescale or objects and events to perceive, yet there were events and feelings. That existence was singularly frustrating as I wanted to be able to think and make sense of it. Saying that I wanted something is still only an interpretation. My existence was far too malleable, tenuous, and homogeneous to separate out such concepts. I suspect that I perceived existence both before and after my current life. That is when I began to attempt to find out if I could find and re-enter my current life in this cosmos.
Even now, my mind still screams, ‘Oh My God!’ when I remember what I experienced there.
The next existence I found myself in was a sort of wall made of multi-colored, fine-grained patterns. That pattern was all there was to existence. Even my entire being was an abstract concept in a universe where there were no such things as sentient beings with memories and minds. There were ‘thoughts’ in that medium, but let us use that word lightly. Let us call those ‘movements in the medium.’ Those movements were associated with parts of my former identity, memories, and thoughts. All of the movements had feelings associated with them, and those feelings could be equated with dismay, desperation, confusion, surprise, and more. My time in that medium was literally timeless. There, I could perceive events not at all related to my former cosmos, though we shall use those words loosely, too. One of the movements was associated with my death, and so, quite naturally, my counter movement had to do with assuming I was not among the living in my former cosmos.
Over eons (or microseconds) I started to become aware of other perceptions. The colored pattern began to overlay objects not of the universe I was just in. Those objects were things such as a bed, nightstand, dresser, and other accoutrement of a bedroom. I didn’t know what those new objects were, as there was not yet language and thinking in this new place. Presently, primitive harbingers of thought began to form, though there was still not language with which to express them. My first real feelings associated with those early thoughts were incomprehensible confusion, disorientation, dread, fear and a need to go.
There was now a woman in the room with me. Not one that I could literally see with my eyes, but definitely there. [I was so far gone that I didn’t remember this woman until later.] She had long black hair, scant clothes, and her, ah, private area was a mouth with sharp triangular teeth. It was biting open and closed. In a manner I can’t describe well, it was biting my whole stomach and lower chest area, but not in a painful way. It was erotic, but not in a way anyone would normally think of eroticism. I felt she was drawing me away from reality with each powerful bite, not in line with what I wanted. The biting feeling in my abdomen, as I said, was not painful. What it did was pull my upper body and hips together, so that I felt like I wanted to keep hunching over. She was on me and that biting thing was her whole being consuming me. The experience was that of two parts of the same being interacting though, not that of, say, a predator eating prey.
I stood up and struggled to understand what was happening to me. I began to walk toward the bedroom door. Everything I could perceive had far deeper meanings and implications that met the eye. Even my movements had profound indescribable meanings attached that had to do with distorted memories and imagery from my past life.
This particular phenomenon is the most confusing and confounding aspect of my experience. I couldn’t see or do anything without a sort of profound interference pattern overlaying everything I could see and my every movement.
I desperately needed to get away from something, and with the same desperation, to find something. Those intensely needed things were not in the room I was in. I lose memory at this point, but I must have had the forethought to put on a robe, as I found myself next at the front door, still in utter need to get away and find that thing.
Bear in mind, thought had not been introduced to this new universe. I saw an object before me and went through it. There were sudden strange visions having to do with my former life interlaced with the still-persistent pattern, and of things like trees, snow, sky and my feet on a cold wet porch. I still didn’t have concepts of what any objects were, though.
Presently, I was on the other side of that portal. Suddenly, someone must have said, ‘Let there be concepts and thought!’ For I thought that I might be able to get away from whatever it was and find the other thing. I opened and went through the door again. Outside once again, I saw my old friend, Tootsie, the husky. Tootsie was quite obviously afraid of what she saw. No matter, The Desperation was still on me in a very profound way. I must keep moving so the one thing does not catch me, and I can find the other. Back through the strange portal I went. Suddenly, I knew where I must go. I must seek out the presence of my daughter. Perhaps she will be able to help me. I staggered down the short hallway to her space and opened the portal. I said her name (language and the spoken word in one sudden miracle!) and she responded. New hope and relief exploded into me! Here for sure I could find that thing and perhaps my beloved daughter could stave off the horror chasing me. I fell on my beloved daughter’s bed and said, ‘Sorry for barging in, but I [have] taken a plant.’ ‘Ohhhh Kayyy..?’ she replied, obviously worried. My other dog, Spirit, was in the room with my daughter, and he too was obviously spooked in no small way. ‘Am I alive?’ I asked my daughter. ‘Yeah you are,’ said my beloved daughter.
At last, I had found what I had been seeking through the ages: My mind. I had also escaped that which chased me: Insanity and death. My love and appreciation for my daughter was indeed profound. Those two precious things addressed, I set about to get dressed and to get my life back together.
*Later Thoughts and Interpretations*
I took many more less intense trips over the course of about 4 months. None of them came close to pushing the limits of the first one. I am afraid of falling down and hurting myself, but more importantly, I am afraid of finding myself alone with no one to tell me that I am a human being and that I am alive.
When I took my first and only really big hit, I was instantly transported away from any kind of familiar existence. That is merely a convenient description of the journey. I suspect the plant strips away or completely blocks the mind (that part of consciousness associated with the brain/body), along with its identity and memories.
What I was left with was existence devoid of beliefs, concepts, and the history of physical existence. I believe that time/space really is illusory. Our experience of physical reality may be a state brought about by our species’ particular focus in consciousness.
If time and space really are illusory, then it would make sense that the removal of the normal functions of the mind would also remove the illusion. All time and space would contract into a sort of singularity that is the most basic consciousness of all: our inmost being. If all time exists in this one moment, then what we might perceive would be the actual moment of creation itself. I believe that is what I experienced: All That Is creating not only me, but all of reality, right before my eyes.
My horrible journey back to what I call my own cosmos or reality was a metaphor for the creation of individuated consciousness. The terrible and overwhelming déjà vu is nothing less than my own inmost self remembering what it is.
Knowing, or at least believing these things do not help much when a hit comes on, though. I forget everything and plunge toward the One again. What does help, I have found, is to not go in kicking and screaming, but to let my identity go in peace and trust that I will be re-created the way I was before.
The Boundary (Salvia divinorum, Fasting & Mushrooms – P. cubensis) by chycho
fear is a self-manifestation and is as powerful as we choose it to be. The intensity of Salvia can be summed up in the following phrase: ‘There are times in our journey through this existence when certain events change our lives forever and set us on paths that we could never have imagined, Salvia takes all those moments and makes them seem completely irrelevant.’
Three of the main lessons that I have learned from the cleanse are that we consume much more food then what our body requires, that once the body is starved it becomes efficient at absorbing everything that we consumes, and that food is energy in the form of matter.
Living Fast, Dying Slow Methamphetamine by Jokers Kick
‘with the stuff I do…you don’t escape…you face all of your fears and weaknesses and you just beat ’em up. But the biggest weakness just gets bigger without you knowing it.’
The Weekend At The Edge Of The Universe Mushrooms – P. cubensis, LSD, 2C-B, MDMA (Ecstasy), DMT, Ketamine, Mescaline & Cannabis by Sparticus
I could hear frogs croaking, but they sounded like machines or something, I closed my eyes and focused on their croaks. They seemed to get louder until it was unbearable, I screamed and they stopped. In my head I imagined that my scream had ended everything.
I wanted to see what I had done, as it was so quiet, I could not even hear the sound of the music, only my heartbeat. Instead I decided I would re-create the world in my mind. At this point I became immersed in my own mind, I was creating the earth like a god it was swirling masses of rocks and I compacted them. I formed mountains, I flew through canyons I was carving with my mind. All in all I was the Universe, I was God, I was The God’s, I could understand everything that had happened, everything that was to happen and why. I knew I had a place in the world, and that I was just as important as a god because I came from something resembling a god. […]
Everything was closing in on me, I could hear people laughing at me outside. The world was mocking me. […]
I washed quickly as it was freezing. While drying myself It felt like the towel was re-juvinating me while I rubbed it vigorously over my body. […]
The tent swirled like ice cream at a parlour and before I knew it I was engulfed in whiteness and marbled lines like the architecture of a distant world far beyond our understanding. I could hear singing/ringing everywhere. And could hear my name (although it wasn’t, but I simply recognized it as my name). It was a woman’s voice and I tried to locate it, but there were patterns swirling everywhere in my vision, it was getting hard to focus on anything for longer than a second before it moved away. There were pulsating (not correct word, but closest to what I saw) colours everywhere, bright yellows and oranges they were changing shades and eventually I managed to move past them and was met by a massive tower like structure, the woman’s voice was coming from inside the tower. I tried to walk but was held back by something. The colours were fading and as I turned to see what it was the tent became clear again. I remember sitting up and I was sweating quite a bit. I relaxed for the next 10 minutes trying to understand what was going on. I tried to write down the experience, in point form but lost interest half way through.
My visuals were getting more intense and people were melting and moving to the music. I focused on one girl in particular who was dancing like she was loving life to the max. I watched her for ages, she was a goddess, a nymph, my ultimate desire. […]
I heard the woman’s voice from earlier, it was very distant this time. I turned and could see nothing but pulsating glowing colours and architectural fractals. I turned once more and there she was, a woman naked and dripping water/mercury. She was pure, she was beautiful. I reached for her and tried to grab her hand, it was impossible to, she moved away as I moved towards her. I was getting frustrated, she whispered the word no. I felt happy as I knew now that she was unobtainable.
The Event-Informational Singularity (DPT & Ketamine) by Adaviri in 2013
Within 10 minutes of snorting the DPT, something happened. I’m still not quite sure what it was, there was some sort of contradiction or impossibility in my conscious experience […]
I somehow got confused about the temporal order of events. I was overcome with the ridiculous belief that I had actually already thrown up, and was somehow rewinding reality as I reached for the bucket. I’m quite certain that this could have never happened with the DPT alone – manic belief-construction (though usually within the general constraints of reality) is something I associate more with strong dissociative experiences.
From this started my slide into absolute insanity, a model of psychosis. Cognitive and personal anarchy: a complete loss of my sense of reality. I’ll attempt to describe the phases of my insanity in as much detail as possible.
THE ‘EVENT-INFORMATIONAL SINGULARITY’:
In a matter of minutes the situation escalated so that my person, my name, my loved ones and my life in general, had totally lost their meaning. Reality – external reality, or so I thought – collapsed into a vaguely McKennaish event-singularity, in which everything that can happen happens at the same time. The severity of this situation is nearly impossible to comprehend, even to me: in an instant, reality in its totality collapsed into a messy slump of chaotic information.
I looked upon this terrible tear in the fabric of space-time with horror: I was one of billions of separate consciousnesses or souls in this novel space of pure anarchy. I was fully overwhelmed by the belief that this was not just happening to me, this is not myself breaking down, this is consensus-reality itself breaking down.
One soul after another seemed to realize that [I]it[/I] had finally happened, the singularity, and in the midst of this chaos they apparently stopped caring about the upkeeping of this reality. In this newfound belief-model of mine, reality was a construct upkept by the totality of all souls in unison, with each and every separate soul being an essential part of the overall agreement of what the world is and how it is constructed. Now these separate souls seemed to abandon the project altogether, one after another. In the face of this disastrous cataclysm, there seemed, for many, to be no further hope in upholding the consensus.
There were bickering housewives, beer-gulping drunkards, academics; there were the young, and the old, those still in infancy and those on their death-beds – and they were all screaming at each other, blaming each other for what had happened.
I myself was furious: this could not be, no way, I refused to believe that our wonderful, carefully delineated reality with its beautiful structure had been permanently lost. I and many others like me organized an attempt to reconstruct the universe from its beginning. It all began with the Big Bang, indeed a singularity much like the one we had found ourselves in now. The entire history of the universe, just like it had been, was now relived at an astonishing speed, closing in on what had been our carefully planned present – but as the now was reached, the same collapse happened again.
This process was repeated dozens of times, each happening within a second of experience. The Big Bang, the primordial cosmos, the forming of planets, Earth, abiogenesis and, ultimately, human civilization, everything as it had been. But the event-informational-singularity could not be avoided.
As these attempts of complete reconstruction were once again abandoned, a new form of reality altogether was starting to form within the anarchy. Monadic souls formed larger individuals, which desperately attempted to communicate to each other in what seemed to be some form of asiatic neo-languages resembling Japanese, to cling to a shadow of the former life we all had had. These attempts were laughable, vulgar mockeries of the beauty now lost.
I was naturally shattered. I had the vague idea that reality had been something much better. In a moment of brilliance I managed to capture some more fundamental semblance of sanity and opened my eyes.
My bedroom was still there, and somewhat recognizable, but with a slew of anomalies. The edges of objects seemed to hinge loosely at their places, falling out of focus every now and then, and the quantities and positions of objects seemed to arbitrarily vary. From a clothes rack there seemed to hang, at one moment, a vast quantity of extremely fine clothes, beautifully detailed and in pristine condition – and an instant later, just a few rotten drags. The length of walls multiplied as I blinked. If I focused enough, this variance seemed to slightly dissipate.
This led me to believe that although objective reality had indeed collapsed, I could at least do my part in reconstruction via rewinding my own life backwards instead of attempting to build the world again from scratch with the others. This new method brought some hope of salvation, and I began to walk backwards, first out of my room, then down the stairs… but decided not to venture out the door to the streets, a blessed moment of sanity. I thus proceeded to once again fast forward reality, up the stairs, into my bedroom, and into my bed. What I had managed to construct once again collapsed into chaos.
However, the effect of the drug itself was beginning to wane by now. As a result, my belief of the collapse of objective reality was, for the first time, about to be replaced by a fear that it was just my own sanity that was compromised, not reality itself.
FEAR OF INSANITY:
In the first phase of my fear for my own sanity, I had the realization that objective reality itself was probably stable, but my conception of it was and always had been, in a chronic manner, at fault. On this interpretation, my life as I had known it had indeed been a mere illusion, a complex artifact of my own design, built to avert my eyes from the true reality: that I was and had always been insane, possibly an inmate in some ghastly mental institution, drooling catatonically in some padded chamber. I had never grown up to be a sane and functioning adult. The illusion I had created to distract myself from this terrible reality was beginning to fragment, and indeed for a reason: it was the only way I could get better in the real world.
This scenario seemed highly plausible, but indeed grim, and I was understandably reluctant to accept it as the truth. I began to shout obscenities to my bedroom, pacing the space I had created, and cursing to myself:
– ‘No, no, not like this, no…’
– ‘No, no! It wasn’t supposed to be like this…’
I, in turn, recognized my own behaviour as matching the memetic, traditional image of insane behaviour, which resulted in a feedback loop of despair. My attempts to fight reality were beginning to seem laughable, childish tantrums against the truth.
I have later recognized this fear of personal insanity to be something I have been afraid of as a very young child – the fear that whatever concept of myself and whatever coherence I had managed to bring into being was a lie. I had a word for it, which I remembered during the trip, an idiologism I had come up with as a child. It began with an S, but I sadly cannot remember it any longer.
At any rate, over time as the effects of the substance wore off further, I was beginning to regain my hope. At around 02:40 I remembered for the first time that I had actually taken DPT, a psychedelic. My fear of my life being an illusion turned into a more acute fear: that although my previous life had, indeed, been real and wonderful, it had now been permanently shattered and thrown to waste by my foolish administration of the drug. This phase lasted only for a short while, and common sense was beginning to triumph over the madness. Every now and then some worry or another began the slide to chaos all over again, but these were brought to a close swiftly and efficiently.
At around 03:00 I finally recognized myself as what I had been and was once more: I was given back to myself in my entirety, in all my glory, my life was given back to me. The pheonix-like feeling of rebirth, and of gratitude and immense relief, was indescribable, and I wept. I did not fall asleep until around 07:00, but this was hardly a problem after the troubles behind.
Now, this wasn’t at all such a tough nut to crack afterwards. What I feel had actually happened was indeed a violent form of ego loss and internal anarchy. What were initially regarded as separate souls in the anarchy of the event-singularity were parts of myself, of my own mind, that had somehow gained at least partial autonomy. This potentially pluralistic conception of the human mind is something that I’ve held for a long time, and it seems to me to be, both from an experiential and a philosophical point of view, the most natural way to view the human mind as a fundamentally material entity. The human nervous system, and indeed the human being in its entirety, is a whole composed of various hierarchies of potential individuality, which normally lend their autonomy fully to the totality of the system. The solidity of human experience and the very existence of a coherent self and a coherent reality are, indeed, matters of consensus within the system, and between its many parts.
This consensus was shattered by the outlandish impact of the psychedelic, compounded by the somewhat manic and belief-revisionary effects of Ketamine, leading to an inner anarchy. They weren’t the billions of souls that make up humanity that abandoned the effort of upholding the totality of reality – they were individuals within myself, parts of myself, that first lost the ball, and then all hope of finding it again. That is, until the consensus-inhibiting effects of the DPT began to wear off.
Many different forms of reality and world-view were attempted. The first one was the mockery of civilization as a whole, with its asiatic neo-languages and such – an attempt that was doomed to failure, since it was not reality or civilization as a whole that needed reconstruction, it was just me. The grim view of chronic psychosis and personal illusion was the second attempt, but it was so hideous and just so wrong that it would have fortunately ended in time anyway, via communication with my loved ones at the latest. The third attempt had the target right: by then I remembered enough of what I had been, and what I had done, to drop the belief in illusion, but without much hope of actually regaining sanity. And finally I got it right, and reconstructed myself as I had been, and as I was supposed to be.
I’m understandably quite nervous about attempting a combination like this in the future. I’ve never lost my grip on reality like this before, never actually fallen into full-blown psychosis. I can well imagine that a chronic state like what I experienced can be experienced without drugs, and how terrible a spontaneous psychotic episode, especially feelings of relapse after momentary reconstruction of the ego, must be. Internal coherence and the functionality required to operate in our shared world is a blessed gift, and one that shouldn’t be tampered with carelessly.